so we have been seperated for 2 weeks wouldnt you think he,d make the effort

[jenk1]

particularly as he told the relate woman he will do anything to save our marriage.

but that does not include being nice to ds.

one of the main reasons for our break up was his possesiveness and jealousy/controlling over me and his blatant favouritism of dd over ds.

nope.

this week when he saw the kids he blanked ds and showered dd with hugs and kisses, he couldnt even bring himself to say goodbye to ds when his bus turned up to take him to school..

i no longer feel guilty over ending our marriage especially when he can treat ds like this, trouble is i think he,s doing it for a reaction, i so far havent given one but i can feel it building up and im going to blow my top sooner or later.

any suggestions.

no ds isnt his biological son, but he,s brought him up since he was 3.

he is very jealous of him and its so blatant how he is towards dd, he is even jealous when i talk about ds doing well at school and ive had enough, he needs to grow up.

do you have another session at relate?

Jealous of your son? Sorry but that is pathetic.

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yes we have another session at relate in 2 weeks time. he admitted he treated ds awfully to the relate woman and she said after everything your ds has been through, he is crying out for love and affection and you push him away, how do you think he feels?

he is like a child, i didnt realise how much anger he feels/felt towards ds these last 2 weeks and he is doing nothing to make an effort.

the fact that he acknowledges he does it and then carries on is horrible.

That is horrible. Maybe he's just got stuck in pattern of behaviour and doesn't know how to change?

yes you are probably right, but he has been doing it for a long time and its getting worse, i knew we had to split when i spent 3 saturdays on the trot in tears at what he had said/treated ds.

he needs to change, but he wont do it while he is living at home, he,s too busy trying to control me and doesnt like ds being near me, i couldnt even have a bath, he would unlock the door from the outside, he was checking my mobile phone,constantly texting me from work asking who i was with and what was i up to, he wouldnt let me go anywhere unless he took me and picked me up and it got too much, i am very sad at my marriage break up but for my own sanity and for the sake of ds i had no other choice, i hate the evenings they are so lonely and ive even thought its better the devil you know but then the next day i remember how he has been and how he can treat an emotionally vulnerable child like ds is after what he has been through and i feel stronger.

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i feel quite depressed today.

DH had the kids on saturday and the agreement was (that the relate lady told him to do) was that he would return dd to me in the afternoon and then take ds to his place and bring him back around 7pm.

no he didnt he kept both kids and brought them back at 5pm. so ds didnt get any time alone with him and ds was moody after DH had gone and told me that dd had got all the attention and he hadnt.

then yesterday he text me im not doing overtime can i come for tea so i sent one back saying no. (he wasnt supposed to be seeing the kids yesterday) he sent me another saying im not trying to annoy you, i just miss your cooking, came round and sat in the house acting normal as if we were together, i spent an hour upstairs and he shouted me down ive made you a cup of tea dd wants you, so then i spent an hour in the kitchen and he ended up having tea cos i didnt want to make an issue, then i went in the bath, he put dd to bed, i went upstairs and he was asleep in my bed.

he is acting like everything is normal, he isnt listening to what i am saying, isnt spending any time with ds, although he did give him a hug yesterday, he has his own place that he can take the kids to, yesterday he was questioning me on what ive been up to.

how can we ever work anything out if he disrespects my opinion and doesnt follow through with what he says he will?

Im sorry you are having such a difficult time. Ive only just come back to your post that behaviour is unbelievable and unacceptable.

Think you have to make it crystal clear that he can not sleep in your bed/make himself cosy and at home because if you continue to let him he will carry on exactly the way he has been and you will continue to feel the way you do.

Make the boundaries clear and dont let them merge. He drops the kids off and has a cup of tea and then leaves. No making him tea/ cosying up with him. He is so trying to manipulate you into accepting the situation and is still controlling you.

yes he is isnt he, i was thinking perhaps i am being mean but then he is using the kids to get to me, getting dd to shout me downstairs and falling asleep in my bed?

i need to set boundaries but i dont have a clue how to go about it, when i tell him not to come around he turns up anyway and when i tell him (like i did yesterday) that we are seperated and he has to accept that and not quesion me and want to come round and spend time he says very quietly and calmly "no you have it wrong im just seeing the kids" but he has his own place to do that.

Like you say jenk he has his own place to see the children and that's where he must see them. I know exactly where you are coming from with having difficulty setting boundaries. Im the same. I can give the advice but Im crap when it comes to my own life. If you think he might overstay his welcome when he drops the kids off tell him that he cant come in and literally don't let him in the door.

Sit him down and arrange when he can see the kids and tell him that he can take them to his place drop them off at a certain time. Tell him you need space and he's intruding on that and if he continues there will be no chance of reconciliation because he isn't making effort to change.

i texted him to see did he want the kids tomorrow and if so does he want to take them for tea at his place as i dont want him just turning up tonight.(i didnt put that though cos that will wind him up)

so he replied and said yes and then "have a dropped a tenner at yours yesterday"?

oh i so hope this wont be his excuse to turn up tonight trying to find his lost money that incidentally isnt in my house. i can see i have a long battle ahead, he has already ignored what relate told him to do, but then this is the 4th counsellor he has seen in just over a year, he doesnt like what they have to say and stops going to see them.

warning bells he didnt like the 4th counsellor so stops seeing them. Sounds even more controlling.

Check your house for the tenner then tell him its not at your house/give it to him. Don't fool for it- you would go and search a friends house with out their permission would you?

My exP from many years ago was ridiculous. I wont compare it to what you are going through because we didnt have Dcs or even live together but he had a massive control issue. When I finally broke up with him he tried every trick in the book to manipulate time together/ a reason to call etc. I foolishly let it continue for years despite us not being together and me seeing other people he constantly called me asking where I was and why I hadnt answered the phone after 2 rings. Questioning me about the people I was seeing and trying to make me jealous by seeing other people.

I had decided that when we broke up that was it there was no going back.Stupidly I thought I could be friends with him but clearly we couldn't. He tried it on countless times and even searched my room while I was at uni (funny thing was he found a picture of some random guy left there by the previous student. He went nuts asking who it was and I PMSL because I didnt even know). I realise now that I should have made clear set boundaries and not even answered the phone because he was still trying to control me for years after the relationship ended. However I take pride in the fact that I split with him and followed it through and I feel so much stronger for it.

Now obviously your situation is different because you do have a Dc and have been married. But he is using the same techniques to control you- excuses to see you/let himself into your house and intrude you personal space (whilst you are separated it is your personal space). Nip it in the bud now.

yes i agree totally with what you are saying staryeyed.

he texted me at 4.20pmsaying as ds to phone me as i have no credit.
so i replied he,s not home from school yet, ill ask him to ring you at 7.30pm tonight when you get home from work.
he texts back "get him to phone me whenever i tell him im on a break from work"
so i said why and he said im just trying to be friendly.
he texts again asking for him to phone so I phoned him and asked him what he was playing at, he said nothing i just want to get close to him and ask him how his day went so i said well he will ring you when you have finished work and he said i finished at 5pm, now this cant be right cos he was texting from 4pm and they are not allowed mobiles on the premises so i presume he,s not going in work again, he lost his last job because he consistently turned up late and was given warning after warning, he doesnt want to work-he,s told me that he,d rather be at home with me.
he is using ds as emotional blackmail to get to me.

Dont get drawn in. If he's got no credit that's a good thing surely. Dont phone him just wait until the appropriate time and ring him for your Ds and hand it straight over. All these little interchanges are feeding the control monster.

should i be thinking about doing anything legally cos i know what he is going to do.

he will leave/get sacked from his job and then come here saying he has no money and this is his home and he will live in it.

yes, i think you should see a solicitor now.

he knows he can take advantage of you. he doesn't have to listen to a damn thing.

you stop it by dropping all necessary contact. don't let him into the house. threaten calling the police if you must. but whatever you do, don't make empty threats otherwise he won't believe a word.

cant get an appointment for at least 2 weeks with the solicitors in my town!

in the meantime is there anything legal i can be doing like writing him a letter to state that we are seperated or what contact agreements for the children?

sorry to sound so thick, my heads all over the place at the moment.

I dont know about the legal side of your situation so I cant help you there but I hope you are feeling better and stronger.