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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Separated from H but he was verbally abusive tonight how can I enforce boundaries

10 replies

womaninatightspot · 31/03/2021 00:54

Separated from H, he lives next door though in what used to be a holiday cottage which is now a separate residential dwelling. He was horrible tonight yelling abuse and wouldn't let me leave like physically cornered me and screaming in my face.

I've just got a job and I think he knows his control is slipping so he's using childcare as a way to control me. Really would rather not have to deal with him at all but children.

Accuses me of all sorts, apparently I'm scheming and manipulative and lacking in conscience. He said he should kill me and the children would go to care and they'd have the same prospects as being with me. Thing is when the children were smaller I was so ground down by him that I was suicidal. Not anymore I think because I'm emotionally detached.

He's actually really manipulative himself and is always planning so many moves ahead. I assume he will now either try to fuck up my new job for me; or insist I sign over assets to demonstrate I'm not a scheming golddigger :). Make sure I'm poor and desperate I suppose.

I had hoped we could be amicable but I think I'm going to need to sell the house to get some space. I've just got myself a cheapie car and was really looking forward to starting work now I'm full of twitchy adrenalin.

Tomorrow I'm going to contact Womens aid and record his threats against me. Then I'm going to let my job coach at the DWP know that I've suffered domestic abuse. That way if he does cost me my new job I think I won't be sanctioned.

www.gov.uk/government/publications/domestic-violence-and-abuse-help-from-dwp/help-available-from-the-department-for-work-and-pensions-for-people-who-are-victims-of-domestic-violence-and-abuse

I just don't really know what else to do; I could call the police but I don't think I'd get anywhere as he didn't hit me. I think I'd just aggravate him and he's unpleasant enough as it is.

OP posts:
DPotter · 31/03/2021 01:00

Sounds dreadful - so lease you're getting away from him. If he's prevented you from leaving and was screaming in your face that's enough for a call to the police, especially as he's backed it up with a threat to kill you.

Appreciate you may not want to go down that road, in which case suggest you also tell your GP as well as Women's Aid and the DWP. Don't sign over anything and get to see a solicitor as soon as so you can get divorce proceedings going.

womaninatightspot · 31/03/2021 01:21

Good point about the GP. I'll also speak to them to have it recorded I did speak to woman's aid last time but not the GP and I think it'd be good to have on my notes.

I've learnt not to be embarrassed I think, whereas before I didn't want anyone to know. Now I feel stronger and a lot more matter of fact. Since we no longer live together I feel like I've taken appropriate steps to protect myself whereas before I was such a doormat I'd be ashamed to tell the truth.

In a convoluted way we are already divorced (quickie divorce abroad when he wanted to protect assets, I wasn't sure if it was legal here but it is) then I found out he was married before me and lied about it so I also wonder if he failed to divorce wife number 1 and we were never married at all?

It's all so complicated, I feel in a way that I need to protect him for the sake of the children so he doesn't lose his job. The other part of me thinks I should go to the police and if he loses his job it's his actions and his responsibility. That part of me also knows he's vindictive as fuck and I'd rather not take my chances.

OP posts:
thenewduchessofhastings · 31/03/2021 01:26

He threatened to kill you and you've not gone to the police?

Also have you considered he's committed bigamy which is a crime?

Wanderlusto · 31/03/2021 01:29

He threatened to kill you!? That's straight to the police territory. I'd also be recording voice on my phone any time he is around you in future. And never go into his home or let him into yours again.

Ardvark111 · 31/03/2021 01:30

Hi try and record his rants next time, have your phone covertly placed if possible,? Have on video setting but only for the audio, as it's possible this may happen again,, it'll help build proof for police you can log this event on non emergency 101 to begin with, as he lives so close it's impossible to avoid him tbh and with children it'll be really difficult to with a restraining order,!! As a stay away from you. Is there a 3rd party for children handovers on your behalf,? Him saying he will kill you is quite alarming, WA will help and support you and give you options, good luck

womaninatightspot · 31/03/2021 01:50

He didn't say he would kill me but that he should. I know it's subtle difference but he'll have thought about it.

I don't know if he has committed bigamy, it's pretty much a slap on the wrist thing, again I feel like it's poking a bear.

I'm going to stop going into his house, he's not welcome in mine. I went over because he wanted to discuss my shifts/ childcare and then he started shouting and wouldn't let me leave.

I think he records me tbh he yells and screams and then gets calm and has me say things i.e. it's my fault, it's because I'm a liar etc. I dare say there's an edited version of my greatest hits somewhere.

There isn't a 3rd party we're v. isolated. It's a worry.

OP posts:
Ardvark111 · 31/03/2021 02:37

Hi that did make me laugh 're edited version of your greatest hits,!! 😄 you do have the odds stacked against you. 1 of them being your isolated. And that he lives next door,!! the only real good news is the new job and that it will get you away from him and a good distraction will be a confidence boost for you and meeting new people and maybe form friendships, in meantime good idea 're logging with DWP work coach and meeting with WA .. finally congrats landing a job,,

MrsTerryPratchett · 31/03/2021 02:48

I'm going to stop going into his house, he's not welcome in mine. I went over because he wanted to discuss my shifts/ childcare and then he started shouting and wouldn't let me leave.

Everything 'in writing' from now on. No verbal communication, he can't be trusted.

Mintjulia · 31/03/2021 03:07

Do everything by email from now on. And report the exchange to the police, they won't be bothered by the should/will wording, that was a threat to kill, clear & simple. Plus unlawful imprisonment.

Have you made sure your house is secure, and he hasn't kept copies of keys. Talk to the police about your and your DC's security. Please don't minimise what he did. Brew

fearfulexchange · 31/03/2021 03:37

Report it, report everything and keep a personal log.
He is only going to get worse. Don't bother with solicitors he'll drag this out, go straight to the courts. Financial order, child arrangement and make sure your divorce is legal. Dont leave any room for him to have any hold over you.
Sell everything and get as far away from him as possible he will be committed to making your life a misery.

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