So as the title says my marraige seems to be coming to the longest slowest halt.
I am married to a good and kind man. He is a great father and he does his best in life, within the constrained parameters of how he wants to live, constrained of course being my opinion.
We married 6 years ago and have two small kids, reasonable steady jobs and a lovely home. We have it all and I know we are lucky in so many ways.
When we met he was a good natured steady guy, who was such a gentleman (and he is still such a gentle man). But almost to the marraiges detriment, he is so polite, curtious and obliging I dont know who he is, whether what he says he really means and i have no idea what he wants from us on an adult level. When we met I was bowled over but he good nature. His family were going through a funny patch where a aignificant illness came out of the woodworks and I remember being intensly protective of him. I knew we were different, but I thought that was a good thing, put me on a calm steady footing. I adored him but now when i look back in hindsight i was thr leader and he followed or amicably and agreeable went along with me. I didnt see at the time how this would drain me these years later.
I do not think of myself as right or perfect or blameless. I speak my mind, thinkink about life, I'm curious and while enjoying the pleasures of life and people and work hard, I look forward.
But the situation at home is grinding me down and really has been for years, but of course Covid has put an even bigger apot light on it. We have nothing to talk about
I mean he doesnt seem to have anything to say and i see now as weve talked about it, he tries but it feels so forced it feels wrong. We dont have any conversations or small giggle or adult connection at all. I thought for a long time that it must have been me, unrealistic expectation, unfair bordem, or just me generally dissapointed with life even though i had so much, i felt and still feel so ungrateful.
We I am so god damn lonely. I have wonderful friends and i had good relationships, i love getting to know people and occaisionally digging deep or just acting the tit. But with him, ita nothing. I cobsidered ASD, he is extremly monotone, doesnt really ever let go (if he ever laughs out loud it just sounds strange to me, like its a performance for a second). There is no flow or understanding between us. And right now, even though Im even and steady at home it just feels like me being myself just intimidates him. Just having normal banter just seems to make him uncomfortable. Though at a surface, polite and practical level he is comfortable. And i am at a loss.
Doing something special together doesnt really occur to him, and if i say anything he says he can never come up with anything. I mean how is fun and joy between a husband and wife such hard work consistently. How do i figure this out?
I feel like i have no option but i cannot bring myself to ruin our home life (which save for the kids is pretty lifeless) and essentially punish him for being himself. He has done nothing wrong.
He has brought me to dinner twice since we married and to the cinema once. 6 years! I feel a large part of me has died.
Please please help me ....