He’s going to do it again, right?

[Thedogissnoring]

I’ve found myself in a bit of a panic and need some help / home truths.

DH and I had a very strained relationship due to my behaviour (now diagnosed and undergoing therapy). 2 years ago I found out he was on a chat room secretly - it is a chat room where you can talk innocently but also a lot talk sexually. When I first found it, he said he deleted it and he used it for innocent reasons with the occasional sexual talks (I knew this was a lie but I didn’t care as long as he stopped)

I knew it wasn’t sitting right and I felt he was hiding it still. Then almost a year ago now I caught him again. This time he came clean, gave me the account and I read it all. It was actually quite pathetic and I almost didn’t mind too much. He then went to therapy to understand why and how to stop.

He claims he’s not been on it since. I’ve no reason to believe he has.

I have no concerns regarding it becoming real life. He lied about who he was, his age etc on the account because he wanted it to be as anonymous as possible. I also know where he is always and he is very transparent with his phone.

I just also know the advice on here, that he’ll do it again. Honestly the worst part is the secrecy and lies. I almost see what he does as an interactive porn which is why I have tried to forgive but it does cross a line and I would not know what to do if it happened again.

It is a difficult one. An affair you know where you stand, mostly unforgivable but this - crossing the line, isn't as bad. I've been in a similar situation and was livid and ended the relationship. However, when I understood his reasons and knew there was no actual sex, I tried to forgive him. I say try, as it's difficult to trust again and we're working on it. A cliché but it helps to talk it out. Explain your fears and make it clear what would happen if he did it again - kick him out. Personally I don't think I'll ever have that blind trust again, will always be in the back of my mind, at least for now. Is everything else OK and otherwise happy OP?

I wouldn't like it of my boyfriend was having sex chats with other people. But I trust him and his integrity and I know that if we had agreed on something he would keep his word.

But some of my exes I wouldn't have trusted because they frequently lied and lied by omission.

I guess it's just his way of coping in a challenging relationship ? Maybe he is depressed and in need of general company / chat?

OP what I know about chat rooms is this, people use them to fill a hole in their lives usually, be this loneliness, feeling unhappy in a relationship/marriage, lack of sex in or out of a relationship, to escape their reality, to troll and be nasty because they have internalised rage for whatever the reason may be, or to play out sexual links/RP etc.

It sounds like your husband is using them for a bit of a reality escape, and to fulfil a sexual need if you say some of them are explicit. What is your sexual relationship like?
The thing with chat rooms is they can become very addictive, very quickly. It sounds like you need to rebuild your marriage and that will take a lot of effort from both of you, is that something you want to do? Is it something he wants to do? If so I’d look into relate therapy. Try some dating again which will be possible soon when things reopen. You need to reconnect and find your footing as a couple again.

@DeathToCovid I think you’re right about the escape.

We are getting there. Sometimes we are great and sometimes it’s awful. He gets very frustrated with how controlling I’ve become since then (around technology). We’ve been in lockdown the entire time I knew the truth so it’s been hard. I have hope but I also don’t want to be stupid.

I find the chat rooms hurtful and gross but likewise it almost feels like an alternate reality and fake. I have no worries about him ever doing anything in person and trust him explicitly there since this transpired. I also don’t worry about emotional affairs. Physical or emotional affairs would definitely make me leave and he knows that. He feels like he did the right thing ensuring it could never be either using a chat room.

I would be interested to know what you mean by things being under strain because of your behaviour?

You can do better than some idiot who talks to other women sexually online