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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Did your abuser apologise to you? Possible TW

3 replies

suchafool79 · 30/03/2021 18:21

Many years ago, I was entangled with someone who I believe is a narcissist. There was constant mind games, emotional manipulation, name calling, love bombing, coercing into things I didn't want to do and then sexual assault. The sexual assault was gaslighted away, deflected as being my fault or minimized. To my shame, I still associated with this person although I never accepted a lift home with them anymore after that.

The continued to hoover me after that and like a fool, I thought they were remorseful and I fell for the bait. Every time I went back they'd laugh and devalue me.

I am not in the clear in this situation as I should have known better than to enable him.

They tried hoovering again a few years after repeatedly trying to get my attention on my way to work. I don't think it's a real apology as they made a lame excuse for the way the treated me.

Not sure what I'm trying to get out of writing this but I feel such a fool to have compromised so much for someone completely unworthy of my time. There was no genuine respect and they have absolutely zero remorse for the way they treated me.

Thanks for reading.

OP posts:
suchafool79 · 30/03/2021 19:06

Sorry, I've rambled in about myself that I forgot to ask whether your abuser ever acknowledged the pain they caused you? Did you manage to move on and be at peace with the past?

OP posts:
Greenhamster22 · 30/03/2021 19:15

TW (SA)
No. Never.

Never got an apology. After he raped me I went back one more time, stupidly expecting that he had changed and saw ‘me for me’ or whatever bullshit I was thinking again. I spent years blaming myself for his deplorable behaviour.

After that last meeting I saw sense, clear as day. It was genuinely light a fog had lifted, it was the clearest thing I’d ever thought in my life. He was a rapist and an absolute c**t.

That was seven years ago, I was 18 and he was 25. Still recovering mentally and learnt to forgive myself. I put so much blame on myself for the assault especially. Finally able to move on. Some triggers still set me off but I am doing a lot better.

Sending my love, I promise you those feelings do get better.

suchafool79 · 30/03/2021 20:10

I'm so sorry that happened to you @Greenhamster22.
You should absolutely not blame yourself for his behaviour or even going back after he raped you.

You were trusting and innocent. I think it's common to have contact with the abuser again after the assault. It's like wanting to deny that you were a victim and that your abuser can't be as bad as you think. You are right though, they never change and they are what they are.

Wishing you well in your recovery. Thank you for your kind words.

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