Women's advice sought please

[BlueConnoisseur]

Married with children. Wife miscarried 3 times 5 years ago, and has basically gone off the rails. Behaviour got so extreme I suspected bipolar, and after a difficult discussion she decided that a consultation was going to be potentially helpful - saw a psychiatrist, and indeed was diagnosed with this. Given medicines, which she took for a month or so, then stopped. By off the rails I mean increasingly irrational, drinking heavily (infrequently but when she does it's to oblivion) , disappearing and being uncontactable , sexting (with photographs), lying, and infidelity. Currently meeting a lover 2 or 3 times a month, including for blowjobs in his car and fucks at his flat. Denies everything when confronted - violently so.

Not looking for sympathy - what I'd like to know from women is whether this is within the parameters of grief, and if any of you have done the same sort of stuff - and if so, any advice or comments. From where I'm sitting, all seems pretty bleak as regards seeing how to recalibrate things back to what I think a marriage should be about - because this doesn't feel right any more.

Thanks.

Well bipolar and grief are separate issues. And neither excuse shagging someone else whilst married. Of course being off her meds might be a contributing factor. But, so what?

You dont need sympathy dude, you need to stop being a doormat. Encourage her to seek therapy and get back on her meds, but do so from as far away from the batshit, cheating cow as possible.

She is taking you for a right mug.

Whether this is in the parameters of grief/bipolar or not, are you ok with having her cheat on you? As I would not be, no matter what trauma had been experienced.

What on earth are you doing? Why are you seeking out reasons, excuses, advice, etc? Your marriage is over. All you need is a solicitor to get you out of this, and keep your children protected from her instability.

I am no expert of bi-polar but its seems extreme risk taking / impulsive behaviour are common and often leads to repeated infidelity so I’d say its the bi-polar talking.

Personally I’d be done. You cant force her to take medication and she isnt going to stop behaving this way.

You deserve better

It could entirely be behaviours due to her MH diagnosis, but that doesn't mean you're obliged to continue to live with it. And if she is violent towards you, that's completely unacceptable.

If she's not interested in managing her condition, then you have to decide whether this is the life you want to lead and whether it is the right environment for your children. The infidelity is the least of it really.

I would be looking to split and aiming for majority care of the dc tbh.

Are you looking for reasons to stay or reasons to leave?

Hi OP

Sounds more like a prolonged manic episode of some kind to me. The fact she is refusing to take medication means it may escalate too. I think you’re looking for a reason to justify her behaviour and help her. You can’t, she has to be willing to try and make it better. It may very well be that she is finding ways to push you to leave her, probably due to feeling worthless. There’s never an excuse for a betrayal, but there is very often a deeper rooted reason that a lot of people miss.

It’s not grief anymore I don’t think, but that doesn’t mean that it wasn’t the catalyst. Right now your main responsibility is to yourself and your children. I understand marriage is “in sickness and health” however with mental illness you have to put your own oxygen mask on first. You have some big decisions to make but if you can you need to try and talk her honestly and frankly. Preferably ensuring your kids are somewhere they can stay for a few nights if needed.

Good luck.

I used to work on a psychiatric unit for a short while many years ago and we had a lady in her late 20s who was sectioned for this kind of behaviour— in her case it was5 weeks after she had a baby- I think it was called post partum psychosis — it definitely sounds like some kind of mental health trauma to me— I’m not remotely endorsing it— she is behaving appallingly but it could well be some underlying mental health situation that needs urgent attention

Sorry I've not had miscarriages nor suffered from bipolar disorder (if that's the correct name) so can't comment personally.

A lot of women who've had miscarriages have posted on here and, unless they purposefully omitted it; their grief did not seek to lead them to infidelity or promiscuity (if anyone was cheating in the context of fertility issues and pregnancy loss, it was their husbands).

I've heard of people suffering from bipolar going through promiscuous phases; it couldn't be helping that she won't take her medication consistently.

But, even if it's due to that disorder; that really doesn't mean you have to accept bring treated like this. Noone should have to put up with their partner drinking heavily, going AWOL, cheating on them, lying etc. It doesn't matter why. You're still being abused.

Thing is, if you separate from her, this is likely to continue so are you prepared to be resident/main parent to your two kids? (It sounds like you already may be, just not separated yet).

It's likely that you're going to have to be the main carer & resident parent, and it's likely that you're going to have to buffer your kids against her as they grow up.
Do you think she'll agree to you being RP?

You shouldn't have to be at home supervising your kids together while she's off sucking sins other guy's dick in a car, hotel, whatever .... No way, no how. It doesn't matter if mental illness is a factor; that just means you shouldn't be in a relationship with a mentally ill person for your own (and kids) sake.

From where I'm sitting, all seems pretty bleak as regards seeing how to recalibrate things back to what I think a marriage should be about - because this doesn't feel right any more.

From what you've described, little wonder.

Not many people could get past what she's done to date; in fact many men would've left her (and probably taken the kids with them) long before now.

Given medicines, which she took for a month or so, then stopped.

Well, there you have it, don't you? Bipolar can be extremely debilitating, and if she's stopped her meds...well that's pretty serious. Really sad about some of the comments here. Shows that mental health issues aren't taken seriously at all by a lot of people.

My ex sister in law was diagnosed with bi polar a few months after birth of her second child. She displayed violence, irrational behaviours and her husband took it on the chin but said once the kids had flown the nest he would be gone. I don't know how he still says as I know she has challenges and mental health issues and has tried to take her own life a few times. I don't think she ever cheated though.

Only you can decide on your own boundaries, your marriage and what you are willing to tolerate. No one here has the right to tell you what is the best thing for you and what you should do. You will know when you have had enough. I left my ex husband who was diagnosed with borderline personality disorder, it was really difficult being with him as I never knew who would wake up next to me in the morning and I was constantly on egg shells. Best thing I ever did was leave him as being with him made me very codependent. He tried many times to drown himself in alcohol, then drugs, took the family car and drove off places to end his life, called me while driving drunk on country roads and the list of abuse was endless. So it was good when I finally ended my marriage. Bit it took me 3 attempts as I always went back due to quilt. You don't own your wide your life, not like this. BTW, my ex is fine, was fine when I finally left and has made a good life for himself, so will your wife if you decide enough is enough. All the best to you

Hi Blue, I'm more of a lurker here than a poster generally, but I've just read your post to my DP, his response was "bloody hell, I didn't write that love!" because this is exactly the situation he was in xx years ago now with his ex-wife, almost word for word.

I asked what advice he would give himself if he could go back, he said "there is nothing you can do, get the F**k out, and take the kids with you". He waited and waited, tried everything, put up with the alcohol, cheating and abuse for years until his own mental health suffered badly, couldn't be the "bad guy" that left his mentally ill wife, and the situation only ever got worse.

He got out in the end, but he and the children carry scars that probably won't ever heal. With the best will in the world you can't "fix" her, she has to want it, and it appears at the moment that she doesn't. Some advice from me, tell your family and friends what she is doing - I expect you haven't, just like my DP didn't, through embarrassment, and he still has family members who don't understand how he could possibly have split up with his lovely fun loving wife. It's too late to tell them after the fact, it sounds like exaggeration or sour grapes, so he missed out on a lot of support he would otherwise have got.

It isn't a marriage anymore I'm afraid, you need to protect yourself and your children now, their mother isn't capable of putting them first anymore, she may never be again, so you have to. Good Luck xx