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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Am I a twat ?

22 replies

AngelinaJolie21 · 30/03/2021 10:01

I'm a single mum and started working with this guy a year ago, just before lockdown. We became friends and seem to fancy each other, we spend a lot of time talking on the phone, been out for odd walks together, but nothing has happened yet as we can't meet up really properly. So, at work there was a guy trying to sabotage some work I'd done, and spent a lot of time on. I went completely nuts, over email of course as we're working remotely. I'm worried that I was quite vicious and went way over the top. My problem is I told the guy I fancy the things I said. He was obviously a bit shocked especially as I'm always on my best behaviour around him. I've really been trying to work on my communication skills and be a bit less mad - I really want a nice relationship as I'm sick of being a nutter - but obviously this hasn't worked. I'm so ashamed that the bloke I fancy has seen this side to my character. I basically never want to go back to work, and never want to see him again. I don't know why this has made me feel so bad. It's not like I'm 16...

OP posts:
Rukaya · 30/03/2021 10:03

Surely you should be more worried about being vicious and OTT to a work colleague? You could get fired, never mind about a new potential boyfriend!

Are you "sick of being a nutter" in general, or just with men?

frazzledasarock · 30/03/2021 10:03

Did the going nuts at the sabotage guy, stop him ruining your work/reputation?

Why on earth was guy you fancy shocked you would defend yourself when someone was trying to ruin your work ?

Let things calm down, and see what happens.

ravenmum · 30/03/2021 10:06

You've been genuine with him. If he's put off then he wasn't the one for you.

You need to do something about the fact that you call yourself a nutter and are ashamed of your behaviour, but you need to do that for your own mental health, not to create a fake relationship with a man.

frazzledasarock · 30/03/2021 10:20

Also in this context I'd want to know what going nuts means?

Robustly defending your work is one thing, swearing and making threats probably not a good idea.

Original poster
AngelinaJolie21 · 30/03/2021 10:20

Good point Rukaya! Hadn't thought of that....
Sick of being a nutter in general....not just with men...just general poor emotions regulation which I'd been trying really, really hard to get better on...mindfulness etc

Thank you raven mum and frazzledasarock......I think it's true, women tend to blame themselves, even when someone else is obviously being a twat....

OP posts:
Original poster
AngelinaJolie21 · 30/03/2021 10:23

i didn't swear, but i did threaten to expose him to the managers and make a fool of him and ruin his career

OP posts:
frazzledasarock · 30/03/2021 10:40

Well it was his own fault.

My friend is brilliant in her field and has men constantly trying to take credit for her work, she was being published and had to fight to stop a man in her department who had nothing to do with her work from trying to get his name on her work before hers.

Would a man getting angry in your position be considered vicious and way over the top? I think not.

Original poster
AngelinaJolie21 · 30/03/2021 10:43

oh to be a man, and let all this stuff wash over you!

yes - female aggression is a tricky area in life....

sorry to hear about your friend....that sounds like a nightmare...

OP posts:
ErickBroch · 30/03/2021 10:45

"but i did threaten to expose him to the managers and make a fool of him and ruin his career" that is very extreme. I know people switch genders to see the other perspective but I have definitely never had a man say that to me before either. If you think the guy you fancy is put off - was it more extreme than that?

Moving forward I would just save all evidence and feed it back to your managers if possible rather than threaten someone via work emails which could come back on you very easily.

frazzledasarock · 30/03/2021 10:56

have you tried to sabotage a male colleagues work?

StrudelSoup · 30/03/2021 10:57

@AngelinaJolie21

i didn't swear, but i did threaten to expose him to the managers and make a fool of him and ruin his career
Yeah, that is awful and you sound like a bully tbh. Ruin his career? FFS. Completely out of order.

You need anger management. Not mindfulness.

I think it's good this guy from work has seen that side of you, because it's there isn't it. You sound potentially abusive. If a man was saying the things you do I'd be advising a woman to get the hell away from him and folk on here would be trotting out that Maya Angelou quote yet again about "when someone shows you who they are...."

nitsandwormsdodger · 30/03/2021 11:31

You need therapy as the work email was bonkers and you could ruin your career

Surely you know that there are procedures for feeling with work disputes and this was not it

ravenmum · 30/03/2021 12:07

If this guy has done something that would ruin his career if you told his manager, why not just tell his manager? Then he'd be off your back.

SouthernBounce · 30/03/2021 12:26

How about wanting to shelter your child from this rather than some random man. Do they see the fallouts from some of this?

ravenmum · 30/03/2021 12:35

What fallout would a child see from OP sending an ill-advised email to her work colleague?

StrudelSoup · 30/03/2021 12:49

@ravenmum

What fallout would a child see from OP sending an ill-advised email to her work colleague?
"Sick of being a nutter in general....not just with men...just general poor emotions regulation"

Suggests that OP regularly produces fallout.

ravenmum · 30/03/2021 13:09

I see; yes, that was what I was thinking, too - that she shouldn't be improving her reactions to ensnare a man, but for other, more important reasons - her child, yes, and her own mental health; her entire life.

OP, did you grow up in a home where emotional outbursts were regular, embarrassing and seen as a flaw that couldn't be improved on, so just had to be hidden?

SouthernBounce · 30/03/2021 14:02

Emotional dysregulation can sometimes come from neglect or trauma during childhood (can also be caused by a great number of other things), and this is why it’s important not to repeat the cycle with the next generation.

OP you seem to have good insight into your difficulties, are you receiving any help and support?

CuthbertDibbleandGrubb · 30/03/2021 14:40

Work things should stay at work. If I was the potential boyfriend, I'd run a mile from someone who I thought might be indiscreet. I'd fear if a relationship became intimate some details might be shared with others.

ravenmum · 30/03/2021 15:20

People will have their own personal likes and dislikes, but it's pretty normal to discuss issues you're having at work with your partner. I would think most couples do it at times.

SeasonFinale · 30/03/2021 15:23

I would have been more of a twat and if someone had been sabotaging my work I would have reported them to management anyway for doing that rather than threatening them that I would.

category12 · 30/03/2021 16:41

Maybe you need more support with your MH than just trying not to be a nutter?

Because it sounds like you're trying to keep a lid on your behaviours but don't properly have the tools for it, yet.

Do you have a diagnosis?

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