Struggling with ‘new’ life

[milkandcream]

I don’t think there’s a solution here. Or at least not one I’m happy with.

I only met my now partner summer 2019. Got pregnant at the start of the first lockdown. I can’t pretend I wasn’t delighted. I realised he might not feel the same and I did make it clear I expected nothing but wanted everything - that I’d be overjoyed if he wanted to be involved but I wouldn’t ask for anything. He was happy and supportive.

Initially things seemed to go really well but when I had the baby there were struggles. I think one of the problems is we are almost too nice to one another. We don’t seem able to be brutally honest. I found it really hard at first as the birth was a disaster and I’m sure I wasn’t easy to live with initially. But things are a lot more settled now.

But recently I’ve struggled. He’s a lovely, kind man, but really small little things are starting to grate. He does something my own dad used to do and I hated which is make inane jokes in the middle of you telling him something. So you’ll say something like ‘oh I used to know someone who lived down here, I think he lived on Blair Drive and he moved to -’ and he’ll say ‘oh did he know Tony?’ So you have to stop and dutifully ha ha and carry on but then it happens again and again and it starts to feel a bit like you’re not having a proper conversation.

We haven’t had sex since baby was born, I guess that’s normal to a point but we don’t sleep in the same room. He works from home so he’s always here (which is difficult) but also not really here.

I cried last night because he was working until half six then briefly spoke to me and baby and then went back on the laptop to work. I just felt so lonely.

Some of this probably is adjustment. And he is lovely in many ways/ works really hard, helps loads with household stuff (not chores but I mean things like fixed the bathroom in my old house ... really ‘handy.’) But i feel a bit ignored and taken for granted.

Even the most well established relationships can come under immense strain when a planned child is born. You guys were ou together about 9 months before you got pregnant. You say you were delighted.. How 'accidental' was it really? If he is a really nice bloke he might well be trying to do the 'right thing' by staying and making the best of things but you could be fundamentally unsuited and would have split up a few months further down the line. A long established relationship can usually weather these storms, no sex post baby etc for a while but you've not got much to fall back on have you. I think some honesty is needed from both of you. If you do separate there's no reason he can't still be involved, have 50/50 care even and you'll both be free to pursue new relationships.

That’s what I mean when I say there’s not a solution I’m happy with. I don’t want 50/50 care, to be away from my child half the time is awful. I’m also not interested in pursuing new relationships. I just explained that because he was free to not be with me - to not be a father, I wouldn’t have asked for anything.

Would he want 50/50? Many dads don't even with older 'easier' children. Could he live pretty close to you so he can be involved and supportive but not in a couple? You may not want a new relationship now but being single is an option too you know. It sounds like you are on very shaky ground. I'm not sure I'd advocate flogging a dead horse on this one. Some honesty and kindness now might give you an amicable co-parenting set up for years and the freedom, in time, to find a more suitable match.

Do you love him and do you want tp be in a committed relationship with him, for reasons other than the child?

If yes to both, there are things you can try in order to try to get your emotional needs met. Nothing you’ve said makes that sound impossible. Basically a combination of telling him what you do appreciate, and what you need / want more of, could get you either improvement or at least clarity.

But if the answer is actually no, you’d rather not be with him for his own sake, then it sounds as though you already know that holding on to him will not make either of you happy.