Splitting from ex- discussing child custody. Advice please

[TitaniumTess]

Hi, last autumn I said I wanted to split from my ex (never married) as he was being emotionally abuse. Shouting, sulking, reading diaries, being over critical etc. It lasted several years and almost finished me to be honest. I was losing myself.

We have a DC who's 4. My ex is just moving out of the house......he's been moving out 'in 2 weeks' for months. It is my house so that bit is easy.

He has been changing between shouting, and then recently being nicer. Very nice. Trying to get back together again.

When I have been at my lowest e.g. after a close family member funeral, he said....'I want half custody,' which terrified me at the time.

Yesterday, he said he would have our DC on Friday night and for me to tot up what I've bought for him over a month and give him a bill for half. I think he means clothes and gifts rather than accommodating him and feeding him.

He also said he will be here whenever I need him....all the time. Whenever I am stuck for childcare, he will be there.

I can't think straight half of the time nowadays. He should pay maintenance though shouldn't he? I also don't want him popping in and out of the house as it hasn't been pleasant sometimes and I need a new chapter with a safe space. Thanks in advance xx

Yes, he should pay maintenance.

www.gov.uk/calculate-child-maintenance

Is he finally moving out now? If it is your property and you are separated, then he cannot pop in and out, no. He needs to return his keys to you.

Regarding his on-going contact with your DC, this should be decided on the best interests of the child. So what would work best for DC? That should be your starting point in any discussion. Contact should be at his new home, not yours. I recall a solicitor saying to me (when my DD’s dad refused to have her to his house) that it was best for DD to be able to see her dad in his everyday environment and share time with him there (presuming that everyday environment is safe, of course). So you can use that argument if you want.

Regarding not being able to think straight, that is because he is messing with your head. I found it helpful to keep a journal and write down what I wanted to achieve. It is quite reasonable to want your own space, a regular contact plan for DC at your ex’s place, and maintenance.

He wants him every Friday night? Until when? Does that suit you?
No he doesn't pay half of the clothes you've bought him at the end of the month - he pays maintenance regularly every month depending on his income.

Maintenance is a different issue to contact and I'd try to keep those discussions separate tbh.

Contact... Think what you'd be happy with as being in your child's best interests and what's your upper limit. Negotiate from below what you'd prefer, accepting you'll need to compromise and appear to concede.
Ultimately, him moving out of its in your name only is a priority and to some extent this will also impact on how much contact is practical and in your child's best interests.

If he'd truly push 5050,then something like
Mon Tues parent A
Weds Thurs parent B
Fri sat sun parent A
Mon Tues parent B
Weds Thurs parent A
Fri sat sun parent B
Maybe better than week on/off. Set days logistically are easier, but 5050 would mean longer periods with no other parent contact.
Every other weekend with either midweek dinner or overnight is typical.
Again though if he moved anf and the journey is 75mins each way its changing things in entirety. So agreement in principal of being local maybe advisable.

That seems a lot of toing and froing? I thought 50/50 would be more like 3 days in a row with dad one week, four days the next.

Anyway op, you don't have to agree to 50/50. And he clearly has downgraded his intentions if he's now saying Friday night. Think about what will work for you and what will benefit your dc, and aim for that. You have as much say over what happens as he does.

There's a child maintenance calculator on the Gov.UK website, which will tell you the minimum he should contribute.

I wrote up a parenting plan from the cafcass website that was really helpful www.cafcass.gov.uk/grown-ups/parents-and-carers/divorce-and-separation/parenting-plan/

And no, he should not be popping in and out of your house. I would change your locks the moment he leaves in case he keeps a key, and do doorstep handovers of dc. You need to reset boundaries so that he doesn't continue to treat your home like his own.

Firm boundaries and routine. Eow weekend gives you both down time with dc. And also gives you ability to plan your time. One night in the week. Is the usual setup.

Children need good routine to feel safe. They know when they are next seeing dad/mum makes them feel safe and secure.

Child support through CMS. None negotiable. It has taken months for mine to get sorted and ex chopped and changed jobs. The child support just got built up and he is accountable to the CMS. Rather than just brushing me off.

Do you think you could get him to go to a mediation session? In my past experience it was so helpful having a non-biased person there to organise it all.

I feel like you need to set boundaries and have a routine in place. From your post he seems to be changing his mind/telling you what HE wants quite a bit..

Yes you need set maintenance each week/month.

Also 50:50 only works really if you can co-parent well. Live close by , can communicate well.

If you want to know our routine it’s :
Sunday-Wednesday
Then Thursday - Saturday.

We alternate Wednesdays so one week I have 3 days one week 4 days. It’s hard as I miss my DC but for them it actually works. Have to be organised with school stuff now as they’re getting older.

You’re saying you can’t think straight... he is messing your head around. You need some help with this. And mediation is a good option.

Thanks everyone. You're right on the boundaries.

He always raises the issue when DC is here so I don't get the chance to think properly. I will take some time to myself and have a walk and decide what's right for DC.

I will then suggest it to my ex. He is buying a new house on the other side of town. It's handy but I don't view it as him popping in and out all of the time. Xx

Of course you cannot discuss matters when DC is there. It needs space and you need to have had time to think of what suits DC and how to respond to his proposals. I think mediation would be a good idea, if you can find someone who has a good reputation.