Has anyone here had a really abusive childhood? How do you cope as an adult? (Obviously upsetting content).

[Bagelsandbrie]

I find myself writing this because I don’t really fit anywhere at the moment and I need to just let it out. I’m 40. My mum died in 2019 and due to Covid happening shortly after that I haven’t really processed any of it. I just put it all to the back of my head.

This isn’t a “stately homes” type thread. I’ve popped my head into there a few times and whilst I have so much empathy for those there, I don’t fit.

My childhood was horrendous really. My mum had schizophrenia and was an alcoholic who was sectioned on and off throughout my childhood. I was looked after by my workaholic dad who couldn’t really be bothered and who was also an alcoholic. At times I would go into foster care. These are my happier memories. And then back home again. My mum trying to stab my dad or screaming at him thinking he was trying to poison her etc. If my mum was well enough for me to be at home with her she was like a zombie on the sofa and I learned to make myself as quiet and inconsequential as possible because I was scared of her. When she was nice she could be nice but when she was bad she was really horrid.

I could go on all day about all this but the point is, despite all this my Mum was really the pinnacle of my world right up until I met my now dh over ten years ago, and Mum and I lived together all that time. Her basically controlling me and me not realising this until I met dh (despite being married before and him and my dd also living with my Mum, long story, I guess I felt responsible for her). Now she has died I find myself very unsure of who I am as a person. My identity was and is so intrinsically linked to her. My sense of “being” etc.

I am trying to find myself and it’s very hard because I am also feeling that life itself seems very pointless - someone I put on such a pedestal (wrongly) has just been snubbed out as if they do not exist and that makes me question the point of everything. I know that sounds very despairing and I don’t mean it to, I’m not at risk of harming myself etc I just mean the futility of everything.

When I close my eyes I can often just see her face either just before she died or at random times during my childhood like little fires of flicking flashbacks. Sometimes I push them down and sometimes I can’t.

I have had counselling but it hasn’t helped. It always seems to focus on cbt type stuff and I think actually I need to go over things, to talk about things rather than push them down and to brush them away.

I’ve made a good life for myself. I have two lovely children and I try and be a good mum. I have a happy marriage.

But yet in my quiet moments I am still that child and it’s very hard. I feel I can’t relate to other people in general because not many people (thankfully) have had that experience of being both the child and the adult at the same time, of having to survive. I have learnt to be so self reliant I don’t know how to relate to anyone else.

Is that something I can learn? I don’t even know where to start. It’s all hugely complicated but I guess I’m wondering how others manage, cope, let go. Make sense of any of it. Or is there no letting go, no real end to the suffering.

I guess part of what I’m feeling is anger. I feel angry that even at the end of my life my Mum wasn’t sorry for anything. And I feel angry with myself for wanting her to be sorry because some aspects like the mental illness she had no control over. I feel torn with myself.

*her life. Freudian slip!!

I completely understand what you mean. My mum was very similar, except we were never close. She used to batter me right up until my late teens when I started hitting her back. She was a gambling addict and I bailed her out constantly, she moved in with me every time she lost her home. She died a few years ago and I was simultaneously furious that she’d not tried to make amends, and relieved she hadn’t tried. I miss her, but honestly her being gone was so freeing. The weight of what we should’ve had was gone.

OP.

The anger I sort of understand. I got told a few times I should forgive her. I was like you what?! I haven't got started with being angry yet!

Not relating to others. Yeh, kinda. Never asked for help, ever, about anything, for years. Still not good at it now. I once got lost late at night riding a horse, figured we'd find a farm or something eventually, taxi home, return with trailer in the morning. They found me. They'd been searching for hours. Someone else had come late and found the empty stable and my car. Nobody had my number except one person and it took a while for word to get round to that person. They asked why didn't I phone. I lied said I didn't have number for the stables, no signal earlier etc. The truth? I didn't want to bother them, figured I'd sort it somehow. It hadn't occurred to me that anyone would notice or give a shit if they did, never mind be worried and searching.

I don't have any advice really. It's not a CBT thing, that's for changing your mindset where your thinking is flawed. You're not angry because your perception of how you were treated is flawed, you're angry because of how you were treated and things you experienced which you should never have had to.

It sounds like there was some emotional abuse. I've yet to meet an alcoholic who isn't abusive. And neglect, physically and emotionally. That's real.

CBT is for challenging what you thought was reality and reframing your flawed thinking. You can't CBT away stuff that's actually real and it would cause you harm to try because you'd be invalidating yourself. There's enough people in life will kick you down without you doing it to yourself!

You need to come to terms with this harmful relationship where you were abused neglected and totally let down by the people who are supposed to care about you the most. Journalling, art therapy, unsent letters, trauma therapy? Just guessing.

I think sometimes there's an assumption you've been angry since it happened ie since childhood. But maybe you blocked all that out, surely must have to maintain a relationship all those years living with her?

I’m so sorry OP.
My mother was abusive - physical, emotional, coercive, sexual. She and both my father and step father (who were both also violent) were alcoholics I ran away at 14 and ended up in care.

Does it ever fully go away? Honestly, not totally. BUT I can let myself be happy now and live a proper life, which-for a long time- I never thought was possible. .

I do find things hard, and there are times which are harder than others, but I am working hard to feel the pain and deal with it well so my children don’t have to. I’m also much more able to untangle me then with me now, and untangle myself from my mother.

OP I really do get what you are saying. My mum has schizophrenia and for a long time when I was a kid it was just me and her and she was undiagnosed so....the thing is you believe everything your mum tells you when you're a child, don't you. Some things I only realised were not my fault as recently as ten years ago when I was 30! For example my mum told me it was my fault she had to go to court - when I was being taken into care and I carried that guilt for years. Other things have stayed with me in odd ways too - whenever the front door goes my stomach is automatically in knots because she taught me to be fearful of that. Or that a man was hiding out in the loft and might get us when we were asleep.
Most things I have overcome but some stuff seems ingrained even now. My mum has never had or refuses to have any insight into her mental health problems so she cannot apologise and a lot of stuff she genuinely doesn't seem to remember. So that leaves me in a weird place with anger that I don't know what to do with. Because can she really be held responsible?
Another facet to our fractured relationship is that she invariably stops taking her medicine and I have only just in the last six months decided to get off the merry-go-round that is me desperately trying to get her back on her meds or just trying not to stress out about the harm she will be doing to herself. The futility of going through the whole cycle several times a year every single year since I was a teenager has caused me depression, lots of things. I just refuse now to get involved but it does mean I am keeping my distance from her emotionally. Anyway, I am writing all this but you asked for practical ideas on how to heal. I do try to get my feelings down on paper - better that than in my head, I don't know - I've done exercises like writing to the child I was when things were rough - I'm pretty much of a "woo" person anyway 😁 but it's not for everyone.
It's definitely a niche experience - being a child of a seriously mentally ill parent and whenever I've met someone with a similar background there's been a lot to talk about and it's been comforting to have that in common.
I would suggest either asking your GP for a recommendation for therapy that's not CBT - because as a pp said - your thinking is not flawed. Also bereavement counseling might be useful because even though you're conflicted you've still lost your mum and it can't be easy. I am sorry for your loss op, should have said that at the start. Regardless of your incredibly difficult start in life it sounds as though you have made a success of life with your relationships with your children and dh. Much love (not very MN but don't care 😁) to you and everyone on this thread. X

It sounds as though you may have complex PTSD. Have a look. And find a therapist who can help you work through trauma, not just CBT.

I always thought ptsd was for one off incidents, but it’s not. This has been a revelation to me! Might help 💐

Just pointing out anger at a situation and anger at a person are two different things. They might go together or they might not. Maybe that helps with what to do about anger?

I can relate, alcoholic and schizophrenic father, sectioned several times. We were taken to visit him in the psychiatric hospital at young ages. I became support for my mother while also hearing about my birth 'that should never have happened'.

There is a quote from the book/film 'Damage' which can be summed up as 'damaged people are different, they know they can survive'.

That's me.

I also have a nice life now but it is always there in the background. I attended my aunt's online funeral recently and the happy memories and family photographs were completely alien to me from a child's point of view. We had zero photographs like that we could share when my mother died. It's not fixable is it? Just have to find a way to live with it.

I come from a very violent, chaotic, and abusive family (dm's side). The men were all abusive alcoholics (especially my grandad) and he was awful to his kids when they were growing up. As a result, my dm turned out unstable, and was very physically emotionally abusive to me at times.

Honestly, it effects me quite a lot. I made loads of mistakes as a teen through both influence, and turmoil, and I now have a personality disorder.

My life is a lot different now thank god, but I still fall down the rabbit-hole of memories occasionally.

. I had a horrible early childhood. Before being taken by my GPs at 7 my siblings and I were abused by our parents. My father was a violent and nasty man who got worse when he developed a drink and drug problem. My mother was selfish and happy to use us as a shield (she’d encourage him to deflect his anger to us if she annoyed him) and was deliberately cruel when drunk.

Therapy got me through it

Not “how to cope each day” therapy, but proper letting it all out, admitting how bad it really was, how scared I was, how it affected me and what I still feared sessions.

It was utterly exhausting, and there were points I worried I was making it worse, but working through it all got me to a point where I could say “that was wrong, it wasn’t my fault, I deserved better and I’m right to be angry that no-one stepped in sooner”.

Finding a therapist who didn’t believe that forgiveness was the key to moving on was massive for me. I was angry and hurt. Speaking to someone who say “of course, that’s understandable” and didn’t add on any “but you need to forgive” or “but you need to let go” or any “but” actually, was massive.

I’m still angry and hurt at my childhood, but it doesn’t haunt me. It doesn’t affect me every day.

You might actually benefit from some E-MDR therapy. It sounds like you have C-PTSD. My childhood was somewhat similar and I feel like I don’t have a fully-formed identity. It is like I am either playing a role or am a ghost watching my own life happen. I am exhausted. A lot was triggered by the death of my very abusive mother. EMDR therapy has helped a lot.

I just wanted to come back and say thank you so much to each and every one of you that has replied. I am sorry for those of you who have similar experiences, it is a lot to carry.

I am going to come back and write a better reply later on when I have the time and space to give it my full attention but I didn’t want anyone to feel I’d not appreciated the replies.

There's the NAPAC website too. I've never looked on there except very briefly (dealing with too much else at the moment) but I've known about it for a while and I will one day.

I just found it such a relief to understand why I felt the way I did; and truly to understand that it wasn’t me, but them.

Good luck @Bagelsandbrie

Just thought I’d share this with you. Not this particular episode, but this YouTuber. She’s an American counsellor who specialises in C-PTSD. You might find some helpful (and specific) episodes to listen to when you have some ACTUAL space away from Jerkface. (Even pop some headphones on in another room when he’s having another VERY BUSY AND IMPORTANT work from home day.)