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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

What will Women's Aid tell me?

16 replies

ChanandlerBongsNeighbour · 29/03/2021 22:25

Making plans to leave abusive husband after 19 years together (15 married). Two kids. I'm shitting a brick about it.

All secret so far. I have made contact with WA, my first appt is this week. What will they tell me?

My family v supportive, turns out they've all hated him from day 1.

How the fuck do I do it?! I have a loose plan in place (depending on what WA tell me) but when I think about actually doing the plan I am paralysed with fear about what will happen.

I HAVE to do it for my children's sake. And mine, if I ever want a chance at a normal happy life.

Guess I just need a handhold and some cheerleading. X

OP posts:
MNHQ
FlissMumsnet · 29/03/2021 23:02

Evening,

We're just bobbing on here to say that we're so sorry to hear you're going through this, OP.

We hope you don't mind, but when these threads are flagged to us we like to link to our web-guides, which we hope may be helpful. If you'd like to, please do feel free to take a look at our [[https://www.mumsnet.com/webguide/domestic-violence Domestic
Violence]] page.

Very best wishes from all at MNHQ Flowers

Ardvark111 · 29/03/2021 23:04

Hi well it's possible WA may find you accommodation in a refuge for you and your children if they deem abuse serious enough and if your prepared to go down that route,? But you will have a strong and supportive ally in your corner things will be more clearer and options put to you at meeting, good luck

ismiseeire · 29/03/2021 23:05

It really depends on the circumstances. Keep safe.

Original poster
ChanandlerBongsNeighbour · 30/03/2021 10:17

Thank you x

OP posts:
Colourmeclear · 30/03/2021 12:07

When I approached a DV charity they asked me some questions to complete a risk assessment which was quite upsetting seeing it there in black and white. I had already left so we didn't talk through options but I imagine they will go through this with you. Take care.

JovialNickname · 03/04/2021 15:12

We can't tell you what they are going to say, because they are an authority on domestic violence, and we are not. But, what they do say will be in your best interests, helpful, and delivered very kindly. They will be there to help and support you. It is natural that with all the fear you are experiencing, you feel you need to "know" what they are going to say so that you can plan to deal with it. But it will not be like that, they are not your adversary. They are there only to help you, in a way you're comfortable with. You don't have to be "prepared", you just have to be willing to engage with them as far as you feel able to. Their advisors are used to communicating with women that are paralysed with fear, as you are. They will be on your side and you will feel better once you've talked to them. Good luck with it x

Original poster
ChanandlerBongsNeighbour · 04/04/2021 08:34

I've done it. I'm out. It happened very quickly in the end. There was a window of opportunity and I took it.

He is still not accepting the reality and is refusing anything was wrong with our marriage. Minimising and rationalising all of my experiences. Thinking promises to change and do better will win me back (they won't).

But what comes next? I know the current situation can't last, I can't keep the kids from him forever (& I don't intend or want to). I'm terrified that his family will help him (legally/financially) get the kids somehow.

I will be ringing WA for advice as soon as my support worker is back on Tuesday.

OP posts:
ConfusedNC · 04/04/2021 08:41

God well done OP. He can't just " get the kids". It's absolutely the hardest thing handing them over for contact when you've left but you will manage.

If you have genuine concerns that he won't return them then you don't hand them over. Think carefully about that though.

Try and deal with things a day at a time or just an hour or so if a day is too much.

You've done brilliantly to leave. You can do this. Keep going. It will be worth it. Flowers

Ardvark111 · 04/04/2021 12:46

Hi I can tell by your words your pure relief just take each day as it comes and go with the flow, WA will guide / help / support you

sashh · 04/04/2021 12:50

Well done OP, it's a huge step. Welcome to your new, better, life.

Original poster
ChanandlerBongsNeighbour · 05/04/2021 11:28

It still doesn't feel real yet. I'm in a non-reality bubble but the real world is looming large!

The kids are accepting things so well, haven't even asked to see or speak to their dad yet, just accepted my explanation that he and I are making plans for us not to live together after the Easter holidays.

I'm cautiously relieved but I feel it/he may yet get worse. Handholds definitely appreciated!

OP posts:
Queenie6655 · 05/04/2021 12:04

Oh gosh poor you this was me not so long ago

Follow all the advice from WA

Be careful with child contact as my abuser used this to attack me
Ask WA
Get good legal advice

Do you need a non mol?

Do not fall for his nonsense he will cry and beg
They all do

Block him!!

Original poster
ChanandlerBongsNeighbour · 07/04/2021 22:25

Thank you, he and his family are blocked on everything except he can contact my brother for anything urgent.

Been ringing round solicitors today but no one seems to have immediate availability.

Have got an appt with the WA solicitor on 14th but wanted to try and find something sooner if I could.

Got a feeling he's not going to leave the family home quietly before the girls and I need to return to school at the end of the holidays. Definitely need to get something sorted ASAP.

He's still not accepting the end of the relationship and is disputing there was anything wrong in our marriage (apparently we had our ups and downs like any marriage he said!). It all feels such a mess.

OP posts:
Original poster
ChanandlerBongsNeighbour · 07/04/2021 22:27

HOWEVER I am finding tiny joys that I didn't even know I was missing, like being able to sleep in any position I want, and to change position as many times as I want during the night! It's bliss!

Choosing what the kids and I want to eat each evening! Buying the food of my choice in the shop!

Just having actual FREEDOM!!! I truly didn't know what a shadow I had become.

OP posts:
Ardvark111 · 08/04/2021 00:35

@chanandlerbongsneighbour. Good to see your feeling so positive. That also good you have left a line of comms open. He won't be able to sweet talk your bro as he would you... think of your life now as a blank canvas and begin creating your future with it,!! Best wishes x

NaePies · 08/04/2021 00:50

@ChanandlerBongsNeighbour

HOWEVER I am finding tiny joys that I didn't even know I was missing, like being able to sleep in any position I want, and to change position as many times as I want during the night! It's bliss!

Choosing what the kids and I want to eat each evening! Buying the food of my choice in the shop!

Just having actual FREEDOM!!! I truly didn't know what a shadow I had become.

So nice to read this..... remember this feeling of freedom now and at any point in the future when you may waver, whenever you doubt yourself, when things get messy! Remember it and know that you will never give it up! Been there OP and that sense of freedom still gets me through tough times many years later. Wishing you all the best Flowers
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