Birthday woes

[polexiaaphrodesia]

Feeling a bit annoyed this evening and I know this doesn't compare to a lot of the issues on this board so apologies for being trivial. I also know that on Mumsnet being an adult and wanting to celebrate your birthday isn't the done thing.

It's my birthday this weekend. Not a milestone birthday but I was hoping it would be slightly better than last year's full lockdown birthday when the highlight of my day was a dystopian trip to Sainsburys and where I had no presents as DH "forgot".

DH got into a massive flap this evening about getting me a present. Claimed I hadn't given him any ideas of what to buy (I have sent him several links over the past few weeks which he has ignored.) For his birthday, if he doesn't have anything he specifically wants then I research and buy him something related to one of his hobbies (of which he has many). I suggested that he might do the same for me.

The response I got was that according to DH I don't have any hobbies or interests and the only thing I do is watch reality TV.. (I watch about 1 hour of TV twice a week and usually a nature programe or bake-off or sewing bee so not exactly glued to the Kardashians.)

In reality, I do a lot of yoga, weights, spin biking, enjoy reading, I collect a specific style of pottery, love houseplants, unusual teas, chocolate, perfume etc. All things that I would consider to be easy to buy for!

I feel completely invisible, like he doesn't know anything about me and the things I enjoy doing. I also feel that with a 2 and 5 year old, working a demanding job and taking care of 90% of the mental load (apparently including sorting my own birthday out) that perhaps on one day a year I should have a little bit of a fuss made of me and also that my husband who I have lived with for 15 years and been married to for 8 year might have more ideas about my interests than "reality tv".

To be honest, this is mainly about me taking on the mental load and feeling fairly resentful about it but also feeling like I don't have an identity in his eyes isn't great either.

That totally sucks.

Yes you are totally justified. Also very articulate btw, lovely writing. The problem is, what to do about it. Either accept that this is how he is or scare the living daylights out of him. He doesn't sound abusive or even particularly unpleasant so he might respond well to a heartfelt but calm cold discussion of this relationship how it's going to end if it doesn't become equal pretty damn quickly.

Another case of zero effort !

I think adults should celebrate their birthdays.

That sounds strange. As in why is he saying you watch reality tv when you don't. Or that you don't have hobbies when you do. Surely there are issues the rest of the time if he really isn't 'seeing' you. So your birthday may be the least issue here. It feels like you really need to talk about this, forget reminders etc Maybe later you could ask him why he doesn't think you have hobbies or wants to acknowledge your birthday.

I think yes, stop the reminders, just step back and see what happens. And maybe don't put so much effort into his birthday. Is there a friend who could make a fuss of you? Or maybe just do something nice (I know its limited) for yourself that day. It feels like there's a fascination with his utter shitness. And this is shit. But don't get fascinated by it.

Either way, @polexiaaphrodesia have a really lovely birthday weekend!!!

Happy birthday 🎂 you deserve better

Just tell him exactly what you want. My DH always gets me the wrong thing so I spell it out. What is the point in expecting anything different after 15 years.

This isn’t about your birthday at all. It’s about his inability to want to really see who you are and know you. This is not trivial and you have every right to be upset.

He sounds really rude - daytime television indeed.
Leave him to do the 90% load you do and see how much time he has left for television.

You could really celebrate your birthday with a spectacular celebration just by recording your husband talking-everyone would want to observe a talking jackass! Seriously, though order yourself a great gift and a takeaway meal and ignore the idiot you married!

I think what I'd find hurtful is being underestimated like that. Ouch.

How on earth is it possible that an adult man cant' think of an appropriate present for his wife ! He could come up with any "generic" present like perfume, a nice set of toiletries, plants or flowers,...
He's your husband since 15 years. He should be able to come up with much more authentic ideas.
It's that he's just not bothered and doesn't care.
Next time he has his birthday, ignore it. I'd even say, dont wait for his birthday to ignore him.

I don't think it's trivial, if I had a partner that didn't bother with my birthday I would think he wasn't into me anymore, he should want to surprise you with a gift and it's more than just a gift isn't it? It's the thought behind it.
This might sound extreme but he would be gone if I was treated like that.
Anyway I hope you go have a good birthday and treat yourself too.

You deserve better than this. At the core it’s laziness and disrespect. It’s not hard to go on Amazon and order a yoga book or bits and pieces to do with fitness. He doesn’t know you at all. What’s the point in being with someone like this

Maybe he has got you something really good. I wouldn't hold my breath though.

Its sad I think. I think hes just put no effort in at all

What did he say when you listed all your interests and hobbies? He is lazy.

Not trivial. It’s not just the birthday like you say it’s the fact he doesn’t know you and cba making any effort. I’d send him an email a version of what you’ve put well here and say you need to talk.

My DH was similar. My birthday is in August so we are sometimes away. Apparently he's too busy beforehand and can't be expected to find anything when we are away.... but it was the same when we were at home.

So for DH's next birthday instead of balloons, gifts and cards from all, I just got him a card. He was very shocked because I always make a fuss, but he got the point.

This year I got a card and a couple of gifts, and balloons in the kitchen..

I'd recommend you try the same. It's really hard not getting them anything but for me it got the message across.

Happy Birthday!

It’s just laziness and disrespectful as someone already said. He lives with you so surely it’s not hard to take a basic amount of notice of the things you like and buy them for you. He should easily be able to work out what you like and buy it. He just doesn’t because he’s shit. You can do much better and you deserve much better

Hope you have a good day anyway

Happy birthday op.

For my birthday I got oh look it's your birthday not long after midnight and that was it. It is upsetting isn't it when you make a fuss of others. Can you buy yourself a gift?

For my next birthday I'm going to buy myself something really nice

That’s shit. Happy birthday.

My husband is shit at presents too, in fact we decided some time ago that we wouldn't really bother with birthdays and Xmas etc as our "surprises" for each other never quite match the specific preferences we'd have spelt out if asked. I nearly died of disappointment when he got me an office printer once, with all kinds of fancy features I'd never need!

However, this doesn't matter to me because in all other respects he is the most considerate and loving person imaginable, who never has a cross word for me, always supportive etc etc bla bla bla I won't keep banging on, you get the idea. Basically demonstrates the utmost respect for me on a daily basis.

When you worry about feeling like I don't have an identity in his eyes, that suggests the lack of birthday present represents a bit more here really. (The "reality TV" was a bit of an ouch.) I hope you feel able to talk to him about this, and that he is able to reassure you by making you feel fully understood and appreciated.

Happy Birthday! There is no excuse for his lack of effort. No excuse really. How can you live with someone for that long and know not a single thing about them. This would bother me alot.

Honestly this stuff really upsets me. My DH didn't get it when we met. Presents / fuss isn't very important to him. Our birthdays fall close together. I had a big one the year after we met and had genuinely been quite excited to see what he got me, it had been mentioned a lot. I was keen for him not to feel pressurised to spend a lot but we are fairly comfortable financially and he would spend money on eating out etc so I didn't expect a non gift. His birthday falls a few days before mine. He opened the gift, looked delighted then said "I thought we weren't really doing gifts". I was confused and asked him what he meant. He responded that there was so much going on (there was a lot going on but it was with his family and as our years together have passed I've realised there is always a lot going on.) I was taken aback and then after a bit of reflection in shower I came back and said actually we never agreed that and I'm quite hurt you seem to have decided to not get me a present. The evening before my birthday we were on our way somewhere and he stopped off at a shopping centre and said let's go choose you a birthday present.

Now to some I may sound very ungrateful and I did not let it show but this only made me feel a bit better. It is a shopping centre full of shops for teenagers, it was an afterthought and no inconvenience to him. I picked out a pair of trainers, thanked him for them and gave myself a talking to about being grateful for the good things in my life.

Fast forward to my first mother's Day to wake up to nothing despite making it clear (or so I thought) that I was expecting something and when questioned "you're not my mother". By this stage I had had enough. He has teenage children from a previous marriage that arrived on father's Day empty handed, I bought cards and small gifts with instructions to give to him. I organised lunches and fuss for his occasions.

Really I felt completely taken for granted and it's not about getting 'things'. He is very good to me day to day but knowing he put some thought and effort into my celebrations was really important to me.

I have driven my point home now and birthdays, mother's Day (till DC can do it themselves) are given due attention.

I don't think you should drop this or say "I only wanted a token" or say you will buy your own present next time or whatever. Why should you? Unless of course you that is the norm vice versa but I suspect it isn't.

This is what I would do (might be an overreaction but f**k it). I would dedicate HIS birthday to myself. I would order myself a nice breakfast, buy a present for myself and all the rest. Seriously I would. And I would cheerfully tell him I was dedicating this day to myself and have something booked so he could have some time with his kids. He should get the point then

Just wanted to add to the above - the evening before my birthday when I said we were on our way somewhere, we were just picking up his kids as per usual, we weren't on our way out for my birthday as it might have read.