Permission from bf to try...

[fake1990]

Ok. I don't really know what I'm asking for: guidance, advice, someone to tell me to go for it, someone to tell me I'm stupid???

It's an essay...

I've been with my bf for 9 years. We've just bought our first house. HOWEVER, our sex life is non-existent and there is very little physical contact (the last time we had sex was December 20). This is down to me- I try to want him like that, I really do, but feel like it's something I'm allowing more than something I want. In every other way, he is perfect.

I've become more aware of women over the last year or two: I've always noticed them, but I can't get the idea of an actual girlfriend out of my head. I also fantasise about men, so I'm potentially bi.

I finally admitted this to my bf and he has suggested I go on a date/have a one night stand with a woman to find out for sure. If nothing comes of it, we work on us. If I realise it's what I want, then ???????

What would you do?

What would you do?

I'd dump my bf/flatmate, then date around.

You're not sexually compatible. I would leave him so he can find someone who does fancy him, and so you can find someone (regardless of gender) more matched.

If you can’t see your (lack of) feelings for him changing, then the best course would be to split up. Sell the house and move on.

I dont think that suggestion from bf is a good one!!! I think you have to work out what you want but I dont think its him...

Split up and find out what you do want. This arrangement isn't fair on him.

You can't test out your sexuality on some poor unsuspecting woman. I would presume this woman would be dating to find a partner, while you're just checking if you fancy women. What are you going to say "thanks for the shag, but I was just seeing if I'm bi and realised I'm not."

Do you think your none existant sexual attraction to your partner is magically going to reappear if you discover you don't fancy women afterall? What happens if you realise your straight/bi and just don't fancy him?

If you are bi, that would not stop you wanting sex with a man. It sounds very much like you just don't want sex with him specifically.

So you don't even fancy your bf of 9 years. Why on earth are you with him then? Why are you doing this to yourself and him?

What else you might like is an irrelevant cop out. Face facts, grow a pair, let him go.

Firstly, lesbian and bisexual women don’t want to be test cases for bicurious women who want to test the waters whilst retaining the safety and security of their existing relationships. It’s disrespectful and offensive and is treating people like toys.

Secondly, if you haven’t had a sex life in years, going off out to look for sex with other people is not going to improve your already poor relationship, which sounds as though it’s going nowhere. Do the right thing for both of you, and separate.

I can understand why that would be confusing.

First of all, I think you seriously need to figure out why you don't want to have sex with your boyfriend. Factors like

1. has the relationship always been this way?
2. is that a sudden change in you recently?
3. Maybe you're unsatisfied sexually which is why you're contemplating other avenues?
4. Are you still sexually attracted to him?
5. Do you find women sexually attractive?

Your boyfriend sounds as if he maybe doesn't understand the severity of it, a lot of young men would probably find a kink in their girlfriend being attracted to other women, hence the encouragement. However, I think if he realised how heavily this was weighing on you, I don't think he would have been as supportive of the idea of you meeting and dating other women.

I'm not saying it is any of the above but I think these are things you should definitely consider, I hope you figure it out, you both deserve to be happy.

1. Sounds like you don't fancy him anymore so grow a pair and leave him will be kinder for you both.

1. You clearly need to find yourself.

Don’t do it. Nothing good will come of it. Either end things with him and explore your feelings for women or try to work on your sex life with him in other ways. If you start experimenting with a woman while you’re with him it will cause heartache all round. You may well be gay and not realise until you’ve been with a woman, and it honestly causes so much pain for everybody (been there, done that). Also, lesbians are not there for bi-curious women to experiment on or use like that - it wouldn’t be fair to the hypothetical woman either.

I’d break up with him. You don’t want to have sex with him and are up for meeting someone new, so just split up now.
What happens if you go out and don’t find anyone interested to date you while you have a boyfriend? You’re not going to magically want to have sex with him again.

Either

Dump him

Or

Ask the question again in readers wives it similar (sure that doesn't exist any more but )

Firstly, lesbian and bisexual women don’t want to be test cases for bicurious women who want to test the waters whilst retaining the safety and security of their existing relationships. It’s disrespectful and offensive and is treating people like toys.

This^.

You only get one life, OP. Stop settling for a mediocre relationship with someone you're not attracted to and stopping both you and him from having full and better relationships.

Go date mena, women, whoever. But don't treat people like objects in the process.

Op you need to get your head out of the sand and stop wasting your bf’s time. Your bf’s desperate is showing and so is your lazy/ selfishness.

Sounds like he must be very much in love with you and cares about you enough to let you 'try' something else rather than just dumping you on the spot.

I think PP's are right- he's not the man for you anyway. You shouldn't spend any more time with anyone you don't fancy. He's letting you do this because he's desparate to keep you in any way, shape or form. Whereas you really aren't into him in that way.

You'll have better luck dating etc if you don't have to say you're living with your 'boyfriend.' He could also get annoyingly upset when faced with the reality of it.

So, best to separate now.

I'm bi too BTW, I think you definitely can't/shouldn't ignore it your whole life, unless maybe you had a fulfilling sex life with someone you adored.

Regardless of whether you’re gay or bi or straight, you’re with someone who doesn’t do it for you. Let him go to find someone who can be mad about him while you work out what you want. Whatever it is, it’s not him.

You need to leave him.

A man who says to his partner ok Go and have sex with someone else see what you think and then either leave me or we'll work at our relationship

Is one who is so desperate/ in love/ keen to keep you that to do it would be cruel

Or really doesn't give a toss

Either way, leave.

Also. Sex can be good bad mediocre. Whether you fancy then loads, or not, you just click etc. How is a one off a good idea to make a decision about sexuality?

I thought if you were open to the idea that you might be xyz then. If you fancy men/ women/ both and you want to have sex with some you've met (not just a fantasy) then you as a woman would be straight/ lesbian/ bi.

I mean I know in real life all sorts of things, history upbringing experiences etc all add in.

But for your purposes it's not tricky is it?

Why do you need to as others say use another woman for your curiosity?

I agree with most others. It really doesn't matter why you don't fancy your Bf sexually, you don't & that's that. It's not going to change if you experiment with others.

You're using him as a security blanket & that's not fair on him. Kind of even more so as he's 'letting' you 'try'.

You need to pull up your big girl pants & split up with him, sort your life out a bit then start meeting new people and see where it takes you.

The dynamics of your relationship, to me scream out neither of you actually love one another.
I can’t imagine my DH telling me he doesn’t fancy me anymore and he wants to try out men😕. I certainty wouldn’t encourage him (if I genuinely cared) to go and shag some random man to figure out his sexuality.

You need to break off your relationship

I can’t imagine my DH telling me he doesn’t fancy me anymore and he wants to try out men

@Leigh12x I hadn't imagined it as OP has outright admitted to her boyf she doesn't fancy him. She's 'just' told him that she could be attracted to both men and women.

Why on earth did you buy a house with him?

Does he know the truth about how you don't want him physically, but that you just allow it rather than want it? or have you made up excuses to avoid telling the truth over the years? Don't you think that he would have been better off with someone who did want him in that way?

I really don't think it's fair to do any kind of exploration on your sexuality while you're in a relationship with him, you know for sure that you don't want him in that way so straight or bi or gay then why the hell would you stay with him?

@Parky04

Split up and find out what you do want. This arrangement isn't fair on him.

^^ this

Split up. If he's otherwise perfect, you can stay friends.