Please or to access all these features

Add post

Watch this thread

Save thread

Start a new thread

Flip thread

Hide thread

My feed

Active Unanswered threads

Getting started FAQ's

Unanswered threads Acronyms Talk guidelines

Hide shortcut buttons

Talk

Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Flip

Original poster

Unemployment putting strain on relationship

16 replies

chlozil · 29/03/2021 13:44

Hi all,

So I'm looking for some advice on how to be supportive, understanding on this matter and when to kind of give up. My DP has been unemployed pretty much since the start of the pandemic. I have been very sympathetic and I understand it's a tough market out there at the moment. We don't live together yet so our finances are separate and to his credit, he is very good at saving money and has a healthy amount in his savings account.

He left his last job because it was quite frankly making him miserable before lockdown (not knowing what was to come ofc). He isn't sure really what he wants to do as a lifelong career, we are both early 20s and I am finishing studying at university. I know it's getting to the point where my family are wondering what he's doing with his life and although they haven't directly said that, I know it's probably what they think.

My DP says he is trying hard and that some days it's so draining receiving rejection after rejection that he needs a bit of a break, which I do understand. I just can't help getting frustrated by the situation in general sometimes. I want us both to be earning so that we can build a future together and whilst I know this isn't his fault, I can't help but sometimes feel some resentment towards the situation which spills over on to him. He is quite an anxious person which also doesn't help because I know he is also worried and this is playing on his mind. I'm just praying for the day the right job comes along!

Does anyone have any similar experiences/advice on how to get through this period without feeling so frustrated and disheartened? And aside from this, I love him a lot and things are going well between us, I just know I can't wait forever. What do you think?

OP posts:

BitterButterFly · 29/03/2021 14:09

Does he help in other areas? Like around the home, running errands etc? If the relationship is otherwise good, maybe it's worth giving him more time if he is actively looking for work but of cause this is limited, he cannot rely on savings or you for the rest of your lives. Maybe at some point in the near future you should make a decision about whether you want to carry on, don't put all your eggs in one basket and realise all the years that you've put into a relationship doesn't lead anywhere because he's become reliant on you. I say this from experience. I really hope he finds something soon

Chamomileteaplease · 29/03/2021 14:10

Thank goodness you don't have joint finances .

Has he already been to university?

So he has been out of work for a year and still doesn't know what he wants to do with himself? Sounds very flakey

Do you know what you want to do when you have finished university? Does he realise that he may get left behind?

longtimelurkerfirsttimeposter · 29/03/2021 14:15

I think it depends on his attitude towards it.

My husband was made redundant a few years ago, he has been actively looking and temped for a while in between but not got anything permanent. Rejection is unfortunately par for the course at a time like this.

It works for us as he provided the childcare until the children receive their free hours, and he had his own savings built up, did everything in the house etc

If he was just sitting at home doing nothing then that would probably piss me off.

CuriousaboutSamphire · 29/03/2021 14:23

You may have to face up to the fact that this is the natural end to your relationship. If you can't see a future in common, with shared aspirations etc, you could have just reached the end together.

Whatever you do DO NOT modify your aspirations to appease him or even to stay close to him. If your pefect next step is 100 miles away HE needs to step up to meet you. You NEVER give up any part of your independent future until you are happily married and it's a bloody good compromise for you both.

If he has no idea what he wants to do next then there is NOTHING you do that he can object to, as it won't have any impact whatsoever on his choices - or total lack of them!

lilybetsy · 29/03/2021 14:26

Anxiety to the point of affecting his employment prospects and a 'job that was making his miserable' ( so he left before he had another job to go to ... )

not a good prospect, you will end up carrying this bloke for the rest of your life. Of course its frustrating, but this will not be the worst time. I would dump this loser and look for someone with ambition and drive ...

chloady · 29/03/2021 14:28

To be honest, I'm not entirely sure what I want to do after university either but I have a few ideas! I do think it's hard to know exactly what you want to do for the rest of your life but I certainly wouldn't put my life on hold to suit him. He knows I'm very goal driven and I believe he is too, I do feel he is just in a bit of a rut atm regarding his career. He didn't go to university but did an apprenticeship in engineering and this is a path he is looking for work in but it's not what he truly enjoys.

CuriousaboutSamphire · 29/03/2021 14:30

God, just listen to all of us obviously older and more jaded women!

Sorry OP! But I suspect we have all had to make similar decisions before - maybe many moons ago - and know how hard it is but how freeing it is once you do cut that cord!

I hope you get your head round this with far, far less angst than I did over at least one long term bf in my late teens! I then met now DH, I was 19 am now 55, so it isn't that I think you are too young. Just the wrong man is the wrong man!

ScarfaceCwaw · 29/03/2021 14:31

I think he should focus on getting a job, any job. Driving for a supermarket, care work, whatever is going. If he has no direction at present, he'll be better off financially, practically and emotionally being in work rather than sitting around navel gazing and stressing. And he'll be better positioned for getting a job with prospects if he has a job, even a minimum wage one.

chloady · 29/03/2021 14:31

I 100% agree with this and I would never change my plans to suit him. I am very independent in that sense and my goals are mine and if him or anybody else can't adapt to them, I will have to accept that. If this is what will cause the relationship to end, I will also accept it, however as I said, on the whole our relationship is very good. He is kind, funny and supportive and I would just like to feel that I had given it my all to make it work before giving up.

InkieNecro · 29/03/2021 14:47

Honestly, he can't spend his life waiting for his dream job. He needs to be working as the huge gap in his employment history is a red flag to potential employers. He needs to get any job ASAP to start closing that gap. Then he can begin looking or studying for his dream job.

LivBa · 29/03/2021 18:07

@CuriousaboutSamphire

You may have to face up to the fact that this is the natural end to your relationship. If you can't see a future in common, with shared aspirations etc, you could have just reached the end together.

If he has no idea what he wants to do next then there is NOTHING you do that he can object to, as it won't have any impact whatsoever on his choices - or total lack of them!

100% this.

Too many women tie themselves to men and base their lives around them when the guy is not even legally committed to them! OP remember this is just a boyfriend, you're not married so don't prematurely dedicate yourself to him. There's also no need to live together. Living together often just gives a chance for men to stall even more. You shouldn't be making future plans until he has a job and until it's certain you're actually both clearly on the same page regarding marriage and kids.

LivBa · 29/03/2021 18:14

@lilybetsy

Anxiety to the point of affecting his employment prospects and a 'job that was making his miserable' ( so he left before he had another job to go to ... )

Exactly. The whole point of dating is finding out about the other person and rationally making decisions based on this information. This man is way too flakey. I feel for him of anxiety is genuinely the only reason he's not getting a job but OP is not responsible for his anxiety issues and she has to realise that while easy to say "oh I love him I can conquer anything", the reality is very different when you're well past the honeymoon period and bills and other things have to be paid. It will be even worse with kids on the scene to support.

The time is NOW to leave, not several years and a potential marriage and kids down the line when a divorce will have a devastating impact on everybody.

LivBa · 29/03/2021 18:14

*if anxiety

diwrnachoflleyn · 29/03/2021 18:26

What Curious and Liv said, with bells on. Please re-read those posts and copy them someplace.

Is he going round posting online asking what he can do to support you, change, fix his own problems?

This is the time of your life when you need to be focusing entirely on you, your future, what you want and need. Have a read of the 'regrets' thread.

This type of man, his anxiety will be the reason he leaves job after job, you'll be carrying the can forever, he'll say 'you knew I was anxious' and he'll need breaks, space, not be able to pull his weight in life.

Start investing as much into yourself as you're currently spunking on him and his issues.

diwrnachoflleyn · 29/03/2021 18:32

Note how many posts are about wasting time with unsuitable men:
this

NotAPanda · 30/03/2021 09:18

Has he got any form of degree/qualification? Or working towards getting one?
If none of these I would bail.
20 is a young age and many people even with degrees go travelling etc and come back to good jobs.
But they must have researched sectors and industries.
He can’t have ‘no idea’ at all.

Flip