He wants us to get back together but I'm not sure

[crassiers]

I've not posted here much but I'm wondering what to do.

I did make a thread when I was pregnant but I'll give background: me and my ex got together in March 2019, last year just before lockdown I found out I was pregnant. We were both 15 so we were shocked but he said he'd support me if I wanted to keep the baby or have an abortion (he wanted to keep him). I told my mum straight away and she was supportive but his parents weren't and they were quite angry. Lockdown happened so we didn't really see eachother we just texted and FaceTimed but in July we started arguing over silly things and our relationship got toxic. I also found out he was messaging another girl and he was also taking drugs with his new friends so I broke up with him and he got with the other girl. He didn't message me until the end of November asking how I was and apologising and he said he was embarrassed as he was 15 and all his old 'mates' left him because he was going to be a dad.

I gave birth in December and I messaged him and he met our son when he was 5 days old and we spent that day together and he even held son for abit. He was going to see him a few days before Christmas but then he said he couldn't so we saw eachother the Monday after and he gave me some money. We then saw eachother nearly every weekend and he gave me money (not officially though just when he saw me) and he was amazing with son with feeding him etc and he even bathed him a few times.

At the end of January it was his birthday and his mum wanted my ex to have son alone that day, I said no as son was only 7 weeks. His mum then accused me of stopping him from seeing his son (I wasn't and my ex didn't mind anyway as it was his mums idea). His mum then told him to 'leave me to it' and told him to he a teenager and spend time with his mates. He obviously didn't and carried on seeing me without his mum knowing. His mum then found out and was annoyed and took his phone so he couldn't message me. One of my friends said he was probably lying but i don't think he was as if I didn't want to be involved with son I don't think he would've replied when I told him I had given birth (when he replied he asked how me and son were and then we texted abit and then he asked if he could see us that Friday).

After that he still saw us despite his mum. On Saturday he apologised for how he treated me (he already did previously) I told him I forgave him as I have to focus on son and he is an amazing dad to him. Then he asked me if we can get back together as he's grown up and wants to be there for me and son and he told me he wishes he never cheated or got into drugs.

I'm not sure though. Any advice will be appreciated

Congratulations on your baby and sounds like you are doing a great job.

Do you want to get back together as you really like/love him or is it as you feel that's what is best for your son?

I wouldn’t.

What I would go though is get some set agreements for child maintenance and visitation. These are long-term arrangements.

Please be very cautious about this. You said a couple of times "He's an amazing dad". How is he? Because he sees his son occasionally? Because he gives you a few quid occasionally? Ok if you want to give the relationship another chance, but be realistic don't put him on a pedestal. Also, his mother could cause you a lot of stress if she's as interfering as she sounds. May be a good idea to keep them at arms length for now.

@Newchances

Congratulations on your baby and sounds like you are doing a great job.

Do you want to get back together as you really like/love him or is it as you feel that's what is best for your son?

I do love him and he has changed and he's proved he has as when he first messaged me in November I didn't believe him (he hadn't messaged me since July before that) and I do think it'd be better for son

@ContractClockAndCrucible

Please be very cautious about this. You said a couple of times "He's an amazing dad". How is he? Because he sees his son occasionally? Because he gives you a few quid occasionally? Ok if you want to give the relationship another chance, but be realistic don't put him on a pedestal. Also, his mother could cause you a lot of stress if she's as interfering as she sounds. May be a good idea to keep them at arms length for now.

He sees son when he can but he's at school so he can only see him at weekends etc and he did see son a lot more before he went back to school. And he gives me money when he can, he obviously doesn't work so he can't always give me money

Can you meet up with him on your own like date him to see if you work as a couple? And if not consider setting up an arrangement for him to see his son ?

God no.

Also, that stuff about his mum.claining you are stopping him seeing the kid ect...did you actually hear HER say that? Because it sounds more like he is a coward who is hiding behind his parents and telling you bs 'from them' in order to manipulate you.

Either way, you should stay single for a while and focus on your child. He can be a dad without having to be your bf.

Congratulations on your baby.

You say he can only come round at weekends, I have a 15 year old son, school finishes at 2.45pm and comes off tech at 9pm so over 6 hours at home. He therefore has plenty of time to do any homework and any chores he has before having a lot of free time to do whatever he likes.

I think your baby's father needs to be round daily to build a relationship with his child. Admittedly he cannot contribute financially very much but he could be looking toward getting a Saturday job if possible.

Whether you need to be in a relationship with him is another matter entirely. Right now the focus is your baby and the relationship with his Dad. I don't know if your Mum can talk to his Mum about his responsibility as a Dad.

Congratulations on your DS (son).

You're both very young (I'm envious!) if you really believe he's changed then there's no harm in giving him a second chance.

BUT be very clear with him
That this is it! No more chances. Tell him that you'll accept it if he wants to break up in the future & he'll be able to see DS etc that his relationship with you & his relationship with DS are two separate things.

Tell him you expect no less than complete honesty & openness. You will NOT be messed around!

snd mean it

Promise yourself that this is a one off 'forgiving & trying again' and that if he screws it up -that's it. Don't allow yourself to end up on a roller coaster!!

Best of luck.

Is he supportive of you getting back to school (or an apprenticeship etc)?

Yes his mum said to me I was stopping them from seeing son. He is supportive of me going back to school and he told me he's going to try and get a job

You probably don’t want to hear this but I wouldn’t waste your time. What do you mean he’s supportive of you going back to school? It’s all talk, what is he doing to support you practically? Once the novelty of playing Dad wears off, he’ll go back to his single life.

You’re a Mum now and life will be hard a fickle boy will only make it harder. The happy ever after you want with this boy is unlikely to materialise because you’re maturities are mismatched.

I'd just see how it goes - it's only been a few weeks really and he keeps chopping and changing what he's doing and saying. He may easily turn round again and opt out when it suits him.

Better if you don't rely on him emotionally at this stage and just focus on being a mum and working on what your own future will look like, without counting on him to figure into it.

If he demonstrates long term that he wants to be a father and partner, then that's great, but it's a wonder you haven't got whiplash from the amount of u-turns he's doing so far. A few weeks is nothing. Guard your heart a bit.

You are doing an amazing job as a mother...he is not being an amazing father just by holding his son a couple of times and bathing him.
Focus on yourself and your son. Encourage his father to visit more, build his relationship with your son, get a Saturday job, support you both financially; but keep him at arms length for the moment.
Being a mum is hard and it will be harder whilst trying to negotiate a relationship with an immature boy who may stray back to his single life with drugs and other girls.
Congratulations on your baby!

Congratulations on your baby, it sounds like you’re doing a great job. I think you are going to have to accept that he was probably lying about what his mum said, and I very much doubt she would take his phone away because he was in contact with you-the mother of his child. I would advise that co-parent with him, sort out regular maintenance-I don’t care if he is young he can get a part time job or his parents can help and as soon as you can legalise visitation. My ex-boyfriend had a child at sixteen and he did not have anything in place, he did of course pay csa, but not having a legal agreement caused lots of problems with him seeing the child. Concentrate on that rather than getting back together with him-honestly you sound too good for him.