dm and over-giving choc/money

[caketherapy]

Unlike my siblings I do not have a corporate job or car. But I have 2 jobs where I earn enough money. Also, my ds has digestive issues the last 6 months, we're increasingly concerned and have cut back on sweet stuff. I've told my mother this and shared my concern.
But still she sends him bumper packs of chocolate. I have tried numerous times over the years and she always says I'm 'difficult'. She recently gave me money in an envelope for arranging a zoom call panic room and something else quite small. I started to say how I felt and she got so defensive quite quickly. She doesn't want to hear my view on it.

For years I've always 'given in' but given my ds is older I don't want him seeing me open envelopes with money in, I can pay my way perfectly fine. It's diminishing. And I genuinly feel anxiety as to what is coming through the post or if I see her, what massive bag, she's going to hand me. Honestly, I don't want any of it. I would never dream of patronising her and giving them say 'petrol money' if I saw them. So why should I get 'train/zoom money' in middle age?

I regret going along with this so long, as I was always shut up for being difficult. And yet, I know she wouldn't patronise her friends or my siblings like this by giving them money in envelopes. Her friends won't hear about my ds being ill so they reinforce her belief and tell her choc is harmless.

Things are difficult in many ways as we can't mention the past as she was an abusive alcoholic with anger issues. I have to pretend that didn't happen but I have tried for the sake of my ds to continue a working-ish relationship. Given she won't talk to me and says that a grandparent has every right to give grand children chocolate. And that she's 'just helping me out' with money. I'm at a loss. She's not really capable of just saying 'thanks' or by just spending time someone and enjoying it. I'm thinking how is something a gift, when she doesn't actually care what the other person feels about it, she just wants them to accept with good grace so she feels better about herself. She doesn't care if the chocolate will cause additional stress between me and my ds. Or if I feel patronised, she says she wants to 'help' even though I've never asked for help and it is causing arguments if I 'kick back'. It is anything but helpful.

How do others deal with this? We're at a standpoint where I don't want to budge anymore and she is treating me as either highly difficult or like I'm really uptight. She is saying she's 'had enough' even though as I see it, its been me compromising myself all these years.

You just have to put a firm boundary in place and say no and accept that she may have a tantrum, but that's your boundary. I have a mum like this. I am NC with her now (for reasons that have to do with her abusive partner and safeguarding concerns relating to my dc). But the gifts have long been an issue too.

For us, it was not so much actual gifts given (she did give those, but they were mostly junk), but money. My mum is, however, also like this with her friends. She sends ridiculous amounts of money to friends to pay their rent or flights to travel somewhere, and then uses it as a stick to beat them with. 'How could she be like that, I paid for her flight to visit her sick friend!' She has plenty of money, more than most people could dream of, as she's married rich. With me, it would be thousands of £ and then she would spout off to her friends about how she had to support us financially and what a great person she was - for the record, she didn't have to support us financially, dh and I collectively make over 100K and are perfectly financially comfortable. I had a credit card in our joint names and she would tell everyone that she gave me a credit card so never ran out of money. But it was a card I used to book her trains or hotel or to order her an online shopping order when she came to visit us (she preferred to stay in a hotel or holiday cottage rather than with us).

Anyway, being NC makes it easier now. But for the chocolates, I would just bin them. And I would tell her you're going to bin them. She can choose if she still wants to give them or not. Even if she brings them over in front of your dc, put them away for another time and then bin them when he's forgotten about them. In terms of money, just say no or give it back to her. I started to just reverse the bank transfer to mine. She can be upset about it if she wants to be. If she would really like to give some money, ask her to deposit it in a savings account for your ds.

I would imagine that, like for my mum, it's about creating the feeling of being needed. If you are a source of financial security for someone, they won't abandon you. My mum has very fragile self worth. She's afraid of being abandoned and wants people to need her. She just does it in a really unhealthy way. But I've come to accept that this is about her and the hole she is trying to fill in herself and not about me. The boundaries may be uncomfortable, but you have to protect your peace.

Thank you @mindutopia

I've reached a point finally!! Where I'm willing to stand firm. Ds at his age would notice the sweets and doesn't forget so thats tricky.

It is a boundary issue. I know that. Its just that she'll take it to the bone. So my only choice will be not seeing her. And thats unfair on my ds. But having an 'why are being difficult' 'no I'm not' heated discussion in front of him is also unfair. She currently won't bend and feels she's compromising - say by giving a massive bag of chocolates instead of 2 massive bags of chocolates. She doesn't get thats not compromise from where I'm sitting.

But it's interesting to hear from your experience. Its so sad isn't it that they use money/things like this.

I think this is maybe her way of trying to make it up to you. I think it's a shame you see it as a negative.
Many grandparents like to spoilt their grandchildren, you're not the only mother to have a complain on here, but most see it for what it is, just over indulging. There's also many that would love for their parents to be able to do so, or have the interest to.
Control what you can, put money to one side for the future, by 18 they'll have a car and insurance if you're lucky

My MIL is like this, killing the poor kids with kindness. If they ate what she gave them they'd be 20 stone by now.

I take everything off her at the door now, bin most of it. Save the cash for the kids when they are older. We have huge boundary issues, pre covid she would come in and do my washing / bedding / towels / clean the house (we have a cleaner). I let her got on with it then for any easy life, I don't want to go back to those days.

She needs to be needed, but I'm stepping back now.

You have to stand firm and it's great that you're intending to do that. You can only state your boundaries, and then she can react as she chooses. You can't control her reactions, but you can (and must) choose the path that you want for you and your family. if she wants to maintain a relationship with you she needs to respect your boundaires. Her choice. Tell her you want to continue to see her, and if she rejects you that's her decision. But she doesn't get to force things on you that you don't want.

You can definitely set rules for what she gives to your children. If there are food items you don't want them having, ban these outright. If she is spending too much in general, put a limit on the number of gifts or the value.

Not easy I know. good luck!

Do it back to her. Start going round her house with big bags of chips and tonnes of cakes.