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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

His morals

9 replies

BitterButterFly · 29/03/2021 10:40

Where do I even start. I was originally going to post this in parenting thread but it's not really parental advice I need. I wanted to ask what morals or boundaries you set for children who are old enough to understand. I'm asking because my partner has shoddy morals. Examples are, and setting for his children Inc, life works on a tit for tat basis, they were having a moment when oldest wasn't listening to him so in return he says he won't listen to the child. Oldest doesn't do as he's told so he won't do anything for the child. If someone won't help you, you shouldn't help them. Another one is about earning respect, we give respect when it's earned, because our boy won't listen or does what he's asked he has no respect it will have to be earned back yet partner will swear or get annoyed very easily. Another is about money, when our boy acts up if he can't get a game or a gamepass or sweets etc, he says your must work hard for what you have or want (more to do with the future thinking and adult life) but this is very contradictive since partner doesn't work or earn for what he has. He has all sorts of morals and boundaries that just seem shoddy to me. I try to intervene but he can be quite passive aggressive saying to child 'have it then I'm not being the bad guy because you can't get what you want'. I don't give in to our boy I just try to explain to parter you can't implement ideas and boundaries if you don't do them also. Same with respect he gets angry and annoyed quickly and swear so I understand why our child has no respect. I'm at my wits end with telling them both to stop bickering, like they just don't get on, I don't know what to do

OP posts:
noirchatsdeux · 29/03/2021 11:02

So basically you are saying your partner is a hypocrite - he ascribes to a certain set of morals, but doesn't actually practice this in real life.

You also have conflicting parenting styles - he says no, you say yes, he makes passive aggressive remarks. It's probably confusing the heck out of the children...how old is the oldest child?

BitterButterFly · 29/03/2021 11:13

@noirchatsdeux If dad says no its no, I don't give in as I don't want to confuse my child. But I speak to partner about how he addresses why our boy can or can't have something, because I say your withholding things for unnecessary reasons he will then change his mind to our boy and let him have it so it's my partner confusing the child. Our child is 7

OP posts:
Regularsizedrudy · 29/03/2021 11:35

Why are you with a horrible person?

BitterButterFly · 29/03/2021 11:48

I've told him he's a horrible person, it gets me no where or he says he will work on it, or he makes arsey comments like fine let him (our child) walk all over us. I'll address the issue again and says he's trying, he can't do more than that. I repeat myself.

OP posts:
Haffiana · 29/03/2021 16:19

@BitterButterFly

I've told him he's a horrible person, it gets me no where or he says he will work on it, or he makes arsey comments like fine let him (our child) walk all over us. I'll address the issue again and says he's trying, he can't do more than that. I repeat myself.
Yeah, never mind telling him and whatever he does or doesn't do about whatever you tell him - why are YOU putting up with YOUR child being treated like this?

You need to own this. You are a mother and you have to put your child first.

Children learn from the example set by their parents. Not from words. What example are you allowing your children to be exposed to?

Regularsizedrudy · 29/03/2021 19:22

Youre endorsing his morals by being with him though. You had a child with him so it’s clearly not always been a problem for you. Other than leave I don’t see what you can do to protect your child from his world view.

user1471453601 · 29/03/2021 19:37

Your husband seems to see love as a transactional relationships only. So he will only give your child approval when your child is giving him what he wants (behaviour he approves of?)

I'm not sure what the answer is, but many people ( men?) See relationships transactionaly.

category12 · 29/03/2021 19:37

There's only so many times you can talk about things and get nowhere.

BitterButterFly · 30/03/2021 18:29

It's not something that's been ongoing for years. The first time I had to bring it up was late November time, it's just been the last couple of weeks where I feel it's been almost everyday the pettiness and like he's running out of patience with child. Of course I feel awful for my son, but I know too he will get upset if bis dad was to leave. I really should bite the bullet and tell him to leave, I know it's not helping my child being around him

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