Relationships are Transactional?

[Flowers7463784]

I'm struggling to understand relationships - both my own relationship with my husband, extended family and friends. I am awaiting some therapy to try and help me make sense of it all but I've come to the conclusion that relationships work on a transactional basis.

After 20 years with my husband and going through the perimenopause and having a toddler my libido crashed through the floor. I didn't realise what was happening and just put it down to tiredness. My husband began to watch porn - it took me several months to discover this. I became very angry - the secrecy aspect certainly didn't help this. However, what shocked me was that as soon as sex stopped so did any emotional support for me. I was facing a health diagnosis and was pretty scared (fortunately it turned out okay) but I had to ask him to hold my hand. Now, I'm asking myself what has our relationship been based on and surely I should have been supported rather than shunned emotionally. We have dcs which I am forever grateful for - I wanted them more than he did and I'm glad I went on to have them. Maybe it is just how I feel...but I feel like our relationship has been based on a transaction - sex = emotional support/being listened too etc. I always thought we were good friends and probably put my husband on a pedestal a bit. Now entering the early stages of the menopause it is like my rose tinted glasses have well and truly come off and I am left feeling very alone, abandoned. There are many reasons why I don't want to leave my relationship, at least not yet. I have huge trust issues stemming back to childhood where my parents unfortunately were incapable of providing the love, support and nurturing I required...even now they have very little to do with me and it feels like I am back in this place. The few friends I have seem to like the fact that I am a good listener, however thinking about it, they also listen to me so it is a two way thing. The love I feel for my children is unconditional, so this probably isn't transactional. I have major trust issues because I was bullied relentlessly as as teenager. I think I am struggling to understand relationships and feeling 'not good enough' to be in them. I want to connect with others but then a part of me thinks I will just be let down and lack trust. Thinking I am better off sticking to animals! Hopefully therapy will help me understand this a bit more but right now it feels like the world is a very lonely place to be.
Anyone?

I'm sorry you're feeling so alone. Therapy will help but it's not a quick fix. I can promise you that no matter who you are or what your experiences have been, you are 'good enough' for relationships or anything else. To 'be' is all the justification you need. You are, so you are worthy. It's not unusual for women to grow in understanding as they reach menopause. Keep growing, trust yourself.

Thank you Hail. I am trying to truly believe what you have written but it is so difficult when I have been faced with so much rejection - and I realise I have been faced with lots of the years. It is only recently that I have started to talk to myself in a better way and be kind to myself (I'm heading toward late forties). I feel like I am changing not just physically but in many ways. Reading these boards (okay not reflective of the whole population) and looking at the men I know reasonably well family members etc. there are very few who actually act respectfully toward women. Perhaps we don't see this when we are younger...perhaps our hormones and our desire to have a family lead us to act in a different way. I would like to make more female friends...lovely friends who I can be honest with. The friends I have got, I have known for quite a while and strangely, I find it difficult to discuss my relationship issues with my husband, I think I want to maintain the image of having a happy life. After all of the issues with my parents, I felt proud to have achieved a happy family and to be loved. The one person I did try and open up to seemed to minimise my feelings. I think this is where I need to talk to a therapist in an anonymous capacity.