Lies

[JohnDoe1122]

Hello all. I’m pretty sure I know the answer but just wanted to get some outside thoughts as I’m not great at opening up to friends or family...

Adore my gf of ten years. I’m late 30’s. Never in my life have I had reason to believe she was cheating. A few things came to light recently which made it pretty clear she had been cheating earlier on in our relationship.

It damaged me massively seeing what I did but she insists that what i saw was a secret plutonic relationship with an ex. It wasn’t. She had done so much to try and cover her tracks too but she missed a couple of things.

I feel I could forgive her if she admitted what she did but she won’t and this has resulted in the relationship not moving forward. Now she’s repeated the same lies for so long, it’s impossible for her to come clean.

We all make mistakes including me. It’s the continued lies though which hurt more than anything.

Just wondering if anyone else has been in a similar situation and what happened?

Ooft, that's a tough situation. How long ago was the cheating?

You've either got to draw a line under it and walk away. Or, decide to let it slide and get over it. That's the choice. Because otherwise you'll both just continue on miserable.

If it was early in the relationship/a good while ago and there have been no other big problems in the relationship then I think I'd be inclined to let it go. With the decision that any future betrayals however, would be instantly relationship ending.

But it just depends on whether you feel you can do that or not.

Draw a line under it or move on. There’s not much else you can do. How long ago was it? and do you trust her now?

The question OP - is how it makes you feel now? Because that feeling won't leave unless you face this head on. It sounds as though you aren't sure that you can trust her? That's huge isn't it?
You aren't married with children- and you don't have to stay together. So you need to just be honest and explain that you don't believe her explanation-that it's affecting you. She may say that if you don't trust her you should separate- and the import thing is to agree. If she thinks this could end the relationship- she might come clean to try and save it. And if she doesn't-then you may have saved yourself?

Thanks all for your advice. It was about two years ago and while I do think she has changed and learned from her mistakes, I still resent her for not being honest and just telling the truth. I don’t think I can get past this so I’ve pretty much answered my question!

I'd tell her. Tell her you know, and that it will destroy your feelings for her if she isn't able to come clean.

Put the responsibility on her, where it should be.

Let us know how you get on OP. Good luck!

Once your DP lies to you it’s very difficult to have trust again.

If you can't get past it, that's OK - you don't have to stick around. There's no prizes for making yourself miserable.