Strained mother-daughter relations

[Jayfluffybigboots]

Hey all,
Not sure if this is the right place for this topic but anyway.... I need some insight/advice.
I was born in 1990, my mum in 1963 (to give some context).
I basically can’t tell if she was abusive to me or not, I feel like she gave up on me after I was 10 and ‘done’ with being a child, though I have memories that stand out as her not really being interested in me before then.
She never told me about my period, when I did get it I hid it from her for a few months before deciding I had to tell her, and when I did she just said there’s stuff in the bathroom drawer for that and never said anything more.
When I had my first boyfriend and he was an arsehole to my friends, I told her I broke up with him because friends are more important, right? Looking for some advice or reassurance, she just smirked like she was holding back a laugh, said nothing and carried on with washing up like if said nothing.
She frequently told me I ruined nice things, and belittled my education choices and interests, often saying in front of me to friends and relatives ‘God knows why she’s studying languages’ and ‘Knowing my luck if she was a boy she’d have turned out gay’ and when I expressed a change in studies to nursing ‘for God’s sake, It’s not like on TV you know’.
I felt like I could never do anything right, and she has never said she is proud of me, not that I’ve achieved much but I’m still alive considering all the things that happened to us/me.
I’m questioning all this now because her partner died this time last year, and I’ve really tried my best to support her, but the way she speaks to me and my younger sister sometimes is just unacceptable, even screaming at my sister for wanting to get a takeaway (with her own money) saying she is lazy and there is food in the house, when I challenged her behaviour she stormed out saying she didn’t need this shit.
I don’t really remember her ever being happy, or wanting to spend time with me, when I went to uni she never kept in touch with me, and would send me the odd text saying ‘Are you still alive?’ but to this day never really responds to the messages I send her. She never made a phone call or a real effort to stay in touch.
I’m realising that this might have had a long term effect on how I view myself and interact with others, and I can’t fix this without being really sure, I don’t necessarily want a proper relationship with her, as she is so closed off, if I tried to talk to her about everything she would either ignore me or just shrug it off, there’s no way in hell she would come to counselling with me.
Anyway, is this abusive? Or normal? Or, I don’t know what, am I being stupid?

Definitely not normal. Sounds like she has huge issues of her own. What way was she parented?
I had a dd around that same time and this is completely opposite to our relationship and l am no model mother just regular..l hope.
She won't change but counselling on your own would help as you would have an opportunity to talk these things through. I think any mother would be proud to have their dd studying languages or becoming a nurse so her comments show a complete lack in her for whatever reason. You haven't done anything wrong. Expecting your dm to tell you about periods/ give you advice/ call you in college/ encourage your steps in life are all very normal needs and l am sorry you got none of those. Stop expecting anything else as you will only be disappointed.
Plan some counselling for yourself.

Sorry to hear this op. I don’t think it’s normal no. Yes it sounds abusive. Perhaps you could research personality disorders to see if anything seems to fit. Not to try and fix her but to get some understanding and closure in it yourself. Maybe check out the stately homes thread too. Good luck.

She sounds emotionally abusive to me OP. I wouldn't bother asking her to go to counselling with you because it sounds like she wouldn't be willing to admit to her behaviour but it might be worth going on your own for counselling and sorting through any issues and making sense of your memories it certainly helped me see things more clearly about my abusive father who I'm NC with because of his disgusting behaviour over the years.

God OP do we have the same mum???
I mean, mine has differences to yours (mine likes to play favourites) but so similar to mine. You have my sympathy as it is so baffling, especially once you have children of your own
I've always wondered if my mum had undiagnosed and untreated pnd or perhaps a sociopath. She masks very well at work though and does well although has never really had any friends.

My only advice would be to keep her at an arms length, and accept her for what she is. You didn't cause her to be the way she is and you can't change her.

Hey, thank you for your comment, it really helped.
I’m not expecting anything from her anymore, just sometimes I can’t stop questioning our relationship you know?!
I’m not sure how she was brought up, but once I accidentally shut the car door on my grandmother’s fingers and she told me I did it on purpose, so I don’t suspect she had a great time with her mum either, I don’t want to accidentally fall into the same pattern when I have children.

Thanks for your comment, I think she does have some mental health issues but I can’t really place her, probably because I’m too close but I hope counselling for myself will help to shed some light on this.

Gosh yes she seems so kind and normal to the outside world, and her job is to support children with special needs(!) so I feel like anyone close would think I was crazy! She has had friends but she never really keeps them, though she seemed to prioritise them when I was living at home, it was like I stole her life from her. I want to be super conscious I don’t do the same thing to my children, because I feel like it’s changed the way I interact with myself and the world, I don’t want that for my future kids.

And I’m sorry you had a similar experience too, I’m practising the right length to keep her haha, I know I probably can’t change or influence her to change, she’s nearly 60 now so what are the chances.
It might sound stupid but I only realised this wasn’t normal when I was watching the Kardashians and thought oh shit, they really talk and look after each other, is that how it’s supposed to be? Serious face palm 🤦‍♀️

She sounds similar to mine, now we are both a lot older I have chosen to accept her and not let her get to me but there are definitely occasions in my childhood when she behaved towards me in ways that can only be described as emotionally abusive. She had a shit upbringing herself.