Fuming at patronising DH

[boopeep76]

I am sat here fuming! Been with DH 20+ years with 2 teenagers. There have been multiple issues over the years with unaddressed MH issues (for 15 years) and DH hadn’t worked for 9+ years (redundancy that lead to lots of vague ideas of what he’d like to do as a job/retrain etc). NOT a SATP as kids at school and I worked term time and fitted most of my work around them (of course he did look after them sometimes but nothing that would have stopped him working – just being a parent), but as we were okay on my wages I just let it slid. Things came to a head a while back and I told him he had to get a job if he wanted us to have a future together (he starts this week on a 6 month contract – I am already worried what he will do at the end of it). This evening a conversation my DC started was about the habits of successful people. He then went off on one about how do we decide what success is, money doesn’t equal happiness and is a Buddhist monk not successful? All things that are good questions except that he completely disregarded what the children were saying (in fact they were talking about good habits and motivation not money), and was really patronising. They have no respect for the fact he hasn’t worked for so long. I am fuming to hear him harp on about how money isn’t important when he hasn’t worked for so long, especially as realistically my children will need to work hard to even buy a house in the future – things that have been handed to him on a plate. There are many things wrong in our relationship, but he does tell me how wonderful and beautiful I am and I feel the heart strings going and that things will be okay because that should be enough right? (Apparently all he needs is me to be happy) But even though he tells me he wants the same post-children future as me I think we have a completely different outlook and basically I will end up supporting us – he has no ambition to even work hard for our future. I am seething with rage – both at him and me. Is it so wrong to expect your partner to work hard to build a future and to be a role model to your children? I don’t believe you should just live to work but surely there is a balance? Sorry - rant over.

Think your DC are old enough to see through him. They have seen you work hard and have a good role model there.
It's very frustrating for you as it's easy for him to say as not starving with no money.
I would let it over my head as he is just talking nonsense and l would say your kids know that. I think its lovely they are having that conversation over dinner so focus on that good part with your teens and ignore the rest.

OP,

He's a waster.
Money is a dirty word because he lives off you.
This is who he is.
You have accepted it for years for some inexplicable reason.

You have very low expectations of a partner and he has happily met them.

You deserve better but have accepted this.
Dreadful example for your children but there you are.

I think your other shoe has finally dropped. You've wasted so many years on a selfish, lazy, entitled waster who throws you the odd compliment from time to time to keep you around. This can't be all you want from this life or a marriage, surely?

@boopeep76

You've posted about your DH before;if I remember rightly he's never really held down a job long term,doesn't see money as important apparantly and wants to live off grid in a shack in the woods............

I think you have 2 options here

1.Stay in your relationship and accept you'll always continue to financially support this man.

2.Ditch him and divorce him.

I think I might have also mentioned on your last thread that there's always the possibility of ADHD/ASD

They can often present as MH issues that don't seem to get any better.

@billy1966
@Aquamarine1029
@thenewduchessofhastings
I agree with all of your sentiments. For some crazy reason I feel like now that I have put my foot down that I need to give him a chance to prove himself (I let it go on without really every confronting it properly before). Not in anyway convinced he can do what I need him to for our long term future, or indeed if it would be enough even if he did as I have so much resentment now. I worked out our total living costs for a year this morning - was shocked it was wat more than I thought when I really accounted for everything (we are lucky to have a fairly small mortgage and this has stopped me seeing how much everything else is ) - feel even more of a mug now.... :(

Try not to beat yourself up for past mistakes. If you feel you can no longer move forward in this relationship, it doesn't matter how long has passed, your future with your children is what should be important. Aside from the financial situation, do you still love him? Is he a good person, does he make you feel special, make you laugh etc? Or do you feel that you could quite easily survive without him and potentially find someone else who ticks the right boxes? It's never too late to change your life, you could wait these next few months out and see if he finds another job but to what end? You need to evaluate your relationship and figure out if it's worth it with everything considered. You've been married a long time and wants and needs naturally do change over time. It's up to you to decide if your paths can continue together or if you'd be better apart.

I agree that beating yourself up serves no purpose.
But now that you know you have been a mug, what are you going to do about it?

You have given him enough chances.
If he doesn't do a full 360 turn around and start pulling his weight, dump his ass.

He is the most appalling example to your children.

He sounds like a one-man lesson in how cheap talk is. Compliments don’t pay the bills.

@chloady Thank you for your wise words! The trouble is I still don't quite know. He has the ability to make me laugh more than anyone when things are good but I have spent 15 years with him in the cycle of depression and the good times are not enough. There is enough love to keep me there for a little while longer but not enough to spend my life this way without change happening. He is not a bad man but I think we have different very views on life. He would say we are very happy (despite conversations where I have laid it down for him where change must happen for our relationship to survive). I would be perfectly happy by myself - couldn't see me wanting to be in another relationship as I would want to please myself without comprise for anyone else at all after so many years of having to do more than my fair share of that.
@billy1966 - My DS is about to do his A level assessments so there is a natural space for me to see what happens over the next few months - but it really is the situation where commitment and responsibly need to proved and continuous (not a flash in the pan). If this doesn't happen it will be over. He basically has to prove himself now