Deal breaker moments (in non abusive relationships)

[Arcadia]

I'm really on the fence about my relationship and have started to fantasise about having my own place. More irritations and differences in personality than anything more serious, not abusive but DP tends to nag me a bit. He is also the most unenthusiastic person ever, and really dampens me down when I'm excited about something.
I've got a big goal professionally that I've been working towards and if I achieve it I will be over the moon (will find out in the summer). I've told myself that his (lack of) reaction to this (will be a sudden yes or no) if I do get it may determine how I feel about continuing the relationship.
Together 16 years, 1DC.

Has anyone had a sudden moment of realisation like that, but not in terms of actual abusive behaviour?

I think if you're hanging your relationship on one reaction to one thing, it's over already. Relationships are about a general feeling of being supported and loved and engaged with in ways that satisfy your emotional needs.

So, in short, no, that's not happened for me, because I would realise before it got to that stage that it was already too late to save things.

Good luck with your big goal

I think there a pivotal moments in relationships.
Mine was when we I was planning retirement trips of a lifetime, he drip feed reasons not to, didn't want to go to New Zealand, didn't want to fly anymore, didn't want to have the type of holidays we'd been having for the last 40 years (cultural city breaks and activity holidays), wanted to have different holidays.
So I (pre-covid) identified a trip of a lifetime alone and then he said he wanted to come along.
I then realised that I didn't want to go with him.
He had made all these decisions without consulting me and served them up as a fait accompli.
It was the moment that the relationship ended for me.

@Eckhart I see what you mean but the good and bad are so well balanced that it's really hard to make a decision. I suppose I'm just putting it off again. I think we need a 'big talk'. We drift along and it's so hard to come to any resolution as I am a very up and down person and am like this about everything (except my thankfully!) so it's so hard to know if the relationship is not right or whether it's a flaw of mine that I am so up and down about things.

@nofreshair I can relate to that, I get more excited about planning trips without him as he gets stressy about things and everything has to be 'just so'. He won't do city breaks at all as he doesn't like cities.

[quote Arcadia]@Eckhart I see what you mean but the good and bad are so well balanced that it's really hard to make a decision. I suppose I'm just putting it off again. I think we need a 'big talk'. We drift along and it's so hard to come to any resolution as I am a very up and down person and am like this about everything (except my thankfully!) so it's so hard to know if the relationship is not right or whether it's a flaw of mine that I am so up and down about things. [/quote]
You're the right level of everything for you, Arcadia. Everybody fluctuates. Some people more than you, some people less than you. There is no 'correct' level. We all have to find situations where our levels of things fit in.

It's not 'my moods fluctuate too much for me to know whether I'm happy in this situation', it's 'this situation makes me feel unhappy about my fluctuating feelings'.

And if the good and the bad are well balanced... well, there needs to be a heavy weight of good and just a feather or two of bad for a healthy relationship.

You're not avoid making 'a' decision. You make the decision every day you stay. You're avoiding making the other decision. Your relationship sounds like a real drag, from your OP. Dampening your enthusiasm, nagging, personality differences, irritation... what is he doing for you? How does he inspire you, support you, buoy you up, how does he show you that he cherishes you and that he cares deeply about how you feel? How does he demonstrate his respect for you and the choices you make in your life?

@Eckhart he does support me by being a steady and fixed point in my life, he's a kind person and thoughtful in his own way. He isn't one for romantic displays but is loving. I can't say I'm particularly supportive of him as we just seem to be focusing on different things. I can be a bit abrupt and not always kind. I don't like the thought of being a separated family with one child I've always wanted lots of people around me

The thing is, if the good and the bad were balanced right, you wouldn't be posting here, would you.