If your marriage went through a "bad patch", how did you get through it?

[introuble2021]

NC'd for this as I don't want it linked to my other posts.

I think my marriage is in trouble, but I really don't want it to be terminal. I think events of the past year haven't helped. I don't want to give too many details as it would definitely be outing, but I think this is how we're feeling in summary;

Me;

• unloved and unappreciated
• like he has no respect for me whilst I've been on furlough
• no appreciation/accommodation for a medical condition I'm currently going through. This impacts on my mobility & energy levels
• everything on his terms & to his standards
• there is no compromise. Feel like I sometimes walk on eggshells and try to keep the peace
• I do all food preparation and don't feel it's appreciated
• he's had a friendship with a colleague which I think has got too emotionally close

Him;

• I don't pull my weight enough around the house
• I don't do jobs to his standard, or "see" what needs doing
• I forget things, and forget things that he had previously told me
• I eat the wrong things, don't exercise enough
• there's little sitting, relaxing and watching tv at the weekends. We have to get jobs done.
• I don't do things when I should or quickly enough
• all this frustrates him

I think being in lockdown & having no distractions (days out, holidays, me being at work) has brought some of this to the fore. I have tried to talk to him, but he refuses to discuss.

I don't want to LTB, but am interested in how others have got over bad patches.

Thank you.

First of all, is the friendship with the colleague over? An EA situation needs nipping in the bud immediately.

We were in a very similar state (we’d also had a hard couple of years) , his EA with a colleague turned into an actual affair , and when I discovered it we separated for two months. He’d confessed to the EA but we were in such a bad place I didn’t have the energy to care about it - if I had taken a much firmer position (insisted on a job move for one) I believe we could have avoided much of what followed.

A long stint of marriage counselling and some very painful honest conversations resolved it - but it very easily could have ended in divorce.

We had a bit of a rough patch last year - lockdown doesn't help.

Reassessing your long term goals.
Lay your cards on the table. Tell him you think he is unfair.
Ask each other what you think a marriage is and should be like.
Try and get romantic it's easier to face the details of daily life if you are close in the bedroom. We that works for us.

Tell him Friday evening is movie night. End of.

One step at a time.

Open honest communication and both admitting we needed to work harder at our relationship. It was quite literally a sit down and a very very honest talk with both of us promising not to get cross at the other person and whether we agreed or not we had to listen to each other. We had to both apologies and set in place some ground rules for change.

We also "dated" each other again. We made meals for each other, watched films together and went for walks together. This was hard due to kids.

It took months of hard work and we still have to do the same thing from time to time. Communication, listening and both wanting the marriage to work are a must. Without that it's utterly pointless.

@TweeterandtheMonkeyman The colleague has since moved to another site so they don't see each other at work any more. TBH, I don't think it escalated too far but I think there are still the occasional message and emotionally it has crossed a line. For various reasons, I don't really think it will go beyond that. DH won't discuss it though, & I'm wary of pushing it further underground.

Also like you, I don't really feel like I have the energy to push the topic either.

@frozendaisy @Crakeandoryx

It sounds like your DHs were prepared to communicate and put in some work. I'm really glad for you.

I would like to have a "lay your cards out" conversation but I don't think he will agree. I don't think he knows how much is actually at stake here, or I'm worried he does and doesn't care. There's no attempt at any reflection or insight into his own role in this.

I'm also worried about opening a can of worms and hastening the end of our marriage. Once it's said, it can't be unsaid.

@TweeterandtheMonkeyman I would love to go to marriage counselling but again he wouldn't entertain it. He has some issues that I think he would really benefit with some help, but he's refused that when I've tried to raise it before.

If he’s not prepared to consider counselling or at the very least have an open and honest conversation there honestly isn’t much you can do by yourself. Plenty of marriages get through a bad patch, but both people need to be engaged in working on it. Even if one person drives it to begin with, both of you need to be working to address it, and you can’t do that without talking about it.

For us honest conversations and the fact that we both wanted to make it work. I think that is key, unless you're both committed to making it work it just won't.

Dh and I are nice to each other and respect each other. I think that's key. We went through a time when we both resented each other, in reality we were both tired and stressed, so tied up in our own difficulties that we both felt hard done by. Talking helped.

It has been proven time and time and time again if the females in a society are equal and happy the men are happier at the same time.

Either he cares about you as a spouse should or he doesn't.

You need to know. Forget about what he wants. You need to know if he cares about you as an equal spouse. So just ask him and go from there. You need to know. You are an equal partnership in this marriage or you should be otherwise what is the point.