My Son, DH and the battle over reading.

[MrsSwears2Much]

My oldest is 11. He reads at a 12 year old level which is average for his age group. Therefore there are zero concerns about his reading skills. He doesn't enjoy reading though.
His father however is constantly (and I mean in every conversation) going on at him about reading more. He asks him everyday what he has been reading and when my son says nothing, he gets lectured on the importance of reading. This is fracturing their relationship, as now my son hardly ever wants to talk to his dad. (His dad works out of the country and they talk via FaceTime and phone calls)
I want his dad to back off with the pressure but he won't. Help.

Can you talk to DH about it, maybe see if he can lay off it for a couple of months and then make it a bit more exciting like sending him comics or books every now and again.

Did you tell his dad what you have told us? It would make sense to if you haven't. Tell him you are concerned about their relationship as its pushing him away from your son.
I am a big believer when a child says they don't enjoy reading its because they have not yet found a book or a series they enjoy. My son refused to read for years and this was particularly challenging as his school said he was suitable for grammar school. So we hired him an english tutor - within two weeks he was staying up reading spy series - I found him still reading at 2am in the morning. He is still an avid reader of spy series at 14.
Children also don't have to read to improve their vocabulary. If he won't read you can say he needs to watch a nature documentary each week, or you will read to him or he can listen to audio books.

My 12yo stopped reading books about then. It’s really not the end of the world.

@SarahBellam

My 12yo stopped reading books about then. It’s really not the end of the world.

I agree with @SarahBellam

He's eighteen now and reads again.

Can't imagine much worse than nagging him each day tbh, it'd be miserable. Reading is obviously great but there's also a lot of snobbery about it. My son listens to loads, watches stuff and is no idiot, he just didn't fancy reading at that stage.

My son is exactly the same, same age too. We've decided not to fight the battle anymore, he reads at school, that's it.

I never read for fun as a child, I'd find it odd at secondary school when classmates would read books at break times.

I ended up taking English literature A Level! I found a love for books later on. I'm still not a big reader though.

Best way to inspire reading especially in boys is for them to see their parents reading, can just be a paper but for pleasure is more effective.

Perhaps you suggest H tells him about what he has been reading for a week or two instead of barking orders.

Lead by example. It's usually the best place to start.

@ittakes2 yeah, I've spoken with him a few times on the subject. It turns into an argument though as he fully believes he is doing the right thing. It stems from his own childhood though. He didn't learn to read until adulthood and has faced struggles in life because of it.

@ErleighBird I'm hoping my boy will find his love for reading naturally like most adults do. I can't help but think that he is being pushed in the opposite direction by the nagging from his dad though.

My boy loved reading when he was younger but as pp has said stopped about 12ish. Now at almost 29 (not sure how that happened) he ask for books as presents and he always has a list for me to find in the library, useful as I work there. He'll come back to it in his own time 📖📖

You need to tell your Dh that this isn't about reading this is about his relationship with his son and his son is not him. If you hear him ask you need to shut it down, you need to show your son that you have his back and this will also help reinforce it to your Dh.

He is quite frankly, an idiot if he thinks you can force someone to read. Is it about literacy or about stories? ie the act of reading or being immersed into new adventures? Would audio books be better? Or you or Dh reading to him?

Does he read other things? A lot of people only count books, but lots of children who don't read are actually reading - comics, computer games (some of the story ones have lots of words), things on the internet (ie how to do things he wants to do or about something that's interesting to him.
But yes at 12 this is not the hill to die on and if your dh doesn't drop it his relationship with his son will be irreparably damaged.

Reading is for enjoyment. Being pushed into something is more likely to put him off. I have a book worm and my only role in that was reading to him as a small child, regular library trips and letting him see me reading. I hate incentives or rewards for reading too. Let it be what it is, a pleasure.

One of the most important factors is role modelling. Does his dad read for pleasure? Does he talk to you about it?

I think that you need to advise your ds to lie through his teeth and tell his dad that yes, he has been reading.

Explain to your DS how you've described it on here, and the reason your DH is so keen for him to be reading. Your DS is old enough to understand why a white lie would be necessary in this case.

My DS didn't read at your DS age. He was perfectly capable, just didn't enjoy it. He is now 22 and really enjoys reading, all be it historical/ factual books. However, he came to it in his own time, when he found books that interested him. We always had books in the house and I was forever buying him ones I thought he would like. Eventually, I realised I had to leave it to DS to find his genre.

My DS is incredibly bright, has a fantastic level of general knowledge and is currently completing an MEng. Your DH should really not force the issue, I'm sure your DS will develop his own book interests and if he doesn't, it is not the end of the world, there are plenty of other mediums available.

Reading Manga/graphic novels/comics is as valuable as books.

I’m a teacher ( not an English teacher) and during silent reading at secondary my colleagues encourage reading of anything. Boys can be reluctant to read books.

So what has your husband been reading this week?

Just to say that role modelling isn't a magic bullet. Our house is packed with books, DH and I read loads, we have always read to them at bedtime, I take the kids to the library once a week (in normal times) and have done every week of their lives.

DS1 (14yo) is a total bookworm, however DS2 (11yo) really couldn't care less about books. He has a perfectly capable reading age, does well in English at school, but he simply does not read books for pleasure. No amount of nagging will change this.

He does like comics so we get him the Beano and the Phoenix - these are well-written and he learns plenty about narrative structure, dialogue, character building... And most of all he enjoys it.

Also at 11 he is not too old for bedtime stories. Could his dad read a book or comic to him over FaceTime at bedtimes?

It's not a magic bullet but it's a lot more effective than nagging!

Your husband is going the right way to turn your son off reading totally. Please tell him to back off and stop pressuring his son, your husband's struggles with reading and the issues that arose from that are his and he must stop projecting them onto his son.

Don't force your son to speak to his dad either and if he asks why tell him your son is sick of being lectured. Don't hesitate to point out to your dh that as well as damaging his relationship with his son his lectures are damaging his son's interest in reading.

Does his father understand the negative impact this is having?
Can you suggest other topics for discussion?
What does your son do if he doesn’t read?
Can your DH make appropriate suggestions for books/magazines/comics your son could try.
Would your son sit and listen to his dad read to him over FaceTime?
Does you son understand why this is so important to his father?
Sounds to me like they need to find a compromise.
What about audio books?

I think you could do one of two things: be absolutely clear with your DH that he is NOT to talk to your son about reading because it doesn't enhance their relationship.

Let your son say it.