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Original poster

Relationship over?

10 replies

MumofLandD · 28/03/2021 14:22

Hi all,
I'll try and keep this brief... Me and OH have been together almost 25 years and have 2nkids, 10 and 6 yrs old.
We're quite different, I'm emotional, emotionally intelligent, like to plan meticulously, am super organised and have lots of friends whereas he doesn't express emotions well, is calm, doesn't like to plan things ahead like holidays, has a few close friends. During lockdown this has been all the more apparent, I am a front line health worker and had a stressful time during Covid and also did the lions share of homeschooling along with the usual cleaning, cooking, shopping, etc. When I've tried to ask him to help out, I get told that 'dust doesn't matter' and we end up rowing because I feel under appreciated. He also takes anything I say as a criticism even though I try to word it so I'm not 'nagging' which he says I do a lot.
Lockdown has got me thinking a lot about our relationship, we haven't talked about anything for a long time, he never says he loves me or asks how day is, isn't interested in what I've done with the kids and doesn't help around the house. I am the one who sorts out homework, friends birthday presents, sorts out the bills, does the supermarket shopping, does the laundry, etc, etc. We had a big row 5 months ago and he ended up shouting that nothing he does is good enough and he was leaving. He didn't. He's been on the sofa ever since and we barely speak.
I tried to speak to him after the row and he refused for weeks. I booked a Relate session for me and she wanted to speak to him too. He refused. Then he changed his mind and said he would have counselling but when he finally booked my profile wasn't available anymore and he didn't book.
Yesterday we had another row because I wanted to get the kids off their screens and out to the park and he said they didn't want to and I need to stop.controlling them. Then he turned nasty and said I am a control freak, I'm mental and I need to see a doctor to be medicated!
I'm about done in. He lets the kids have what they want when they want and I'm the bad cop trying to get them out in the fresh air and do their homework!!

OP posts:
RandomMess · 28/03/2021 14:32

It does sound like he has opted out.

Perhaps serving divorce papers will let him know that you are serious and he can either book relate or accept it's over?

Purplecatshopaholic · 28/03/2021 14:36

Yup, sounds like it’s over to me op. Sorry but you need to bite the bullet - you could be stuck like this for ages otherwise. Get a lawyer.

Wanderlusto · 28/03/2021 14:37

He sounds like a right wanker. I wouldnt want my kids growing up seeing him treat me like that. They might grow up to think that's the way relationships are meant to be.

The issue isnt that he is a lazy git, it's that he is repeated gaslighting you when you ask him not to be a lazy git.

I'd leave. I'd I'd make it clear to the kids that men are not allowed to speak to their wives the way he has spoke to mummy and that is why you are leaving. Because no one should stay with someone who is not nice to them.

Crystalvas · 28/03/2021 14:45

Hes toxic for you and the children to be around not to mention abusive. Get your ducks ina row and tell him to leave.

Shehasadiamondinthesky · 28/03/2021 14:46

I would not put up with this crap, and accusing you of nagging because he never pulls his weight would be the final straw for me.
He sounds like a sullen man child who professionally gaslights you for a living.
I'd be serving divorce papers on him.

PassionForFashion · 28/03/2021 19:07

What a nightmare. He’s using the kids to undermine you. Letting them do as they like isn’t proper parenting. He doesn’t care enough about them not to use them to hurt you. Delightful guy.

What exactly does he contribute to the household?

RainingZen · 28/03/2021 19:27

I'm really sorry, it sounds like you're the one doing all the heavy lifting in this family. He sounds unpleasant, and not even any use round the house or with the kids. You are the only adult around really, aren't you? And that makes you always the one who has to remember everything, to be the buzzkill with the kids, because he won't ever be bad cop etc.

I do honestly think it is probably time to call it a day and tell him you want to separate. I would, in this situation, ask him to leave. Don't offer to leave with the kids.
I'm sorry for your children, having to go through this. It is very tough.

He will realise FAR too late what he has lost. No woman will put up with this rubbish, so he will be totally alone.

Original poster
MumofLandD · 28/03/2021 20:54

@RainingZen

I'm really sorry, it sounds like you're the one doing all the heavy lifting in this family. He sounds unpleasant, and not even any use round the house or with the kids. You are the only adult around really, aren't you? And that makes you always the one who has to remember everything, to be the buzzkill with the kids, because he won't ever be bad cop etc.

I do honestly think it is probably time to call it a day and tell him you want to separate. I would, in this situation, ask him to leave. Don't offer to leave with the kids.
I'm sorry for your children, having to go through this. It is very tough.

He will realise FAR too late what he has lost. No woman will put up with this rubbish, so he will be totally alone.

Thank you. He's actually a good dad of sorts but I've realised recently that I do all the bad cop stuff like discipling and homework and he doesn't get involved in it. He says that I enjoy the controlling part of running the house and kids and he can't get a look in with it but I have asked and asked and then I get accused of nagging. That drives me bonkers when he says that because I feel that I should be able to say if something is upsetting / frustrating me and we should be able to talk about it and come to a solution. But he doesn't /can't talk about things. I think this is because he is adopted and needs therapy. If I gently try to say this then he says I'm mental and I need help. I genuinely think he needs help with his emotions but I have tried and tried to to
OP posts:
Original poster
MumofLandD · 28/03/2021 20:56

@Purplecatshopaholic

Yup, sounds like it’s over to me op. Sorry but you need to bite the bullet - you could be stuck like this for ages otherwise. Get a lawyer.
This is what I don't want. To be stuck like this for ages. But it's a.massive step to up and leave :( We aren't married but have mortgage together
OP posts:
Original poster
MumofLandD · 28/03/2021 20:59

@RainingZen

I'm really sorry, it sounds like you're the one doing all the heavy lifting in this family. He sounds unpleasant, and not even any use round the house or with the kids. You are the only adult around really, aren't you? And that makes you always the one who has to remember everything, to be the buzzkill with the kids, because he won't ever be bad cop etc.

I do honestly think it is probably time to call it a day and tell him you want to separate. I would, in this situation, ask him to leave. Don't offer to leave with the kids.
I'm sorry for your children, having to go through this. It is very tough.

He will realise FAR too late what he has lost. No woman will put up with this rubbish, so he will be totally alone.

I have asked him to go but he said if I want to go that's my choice and he is keeping the kids!
OP posts:
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