Meet the Other Phone. Flexible and made to last.

Meet the Other Phone.
Flexible and made to last.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

What to do :-(

26 replies

kateshair · 28/03/2021 13:50

Hi all my husband walked out on me last week. This was a total bolt out of the blue to say it’s has floored me is an understatement!
I’m not eating or sleeping only for a few hours at a time.
I have a young daughter who lives with me full time.
As if this wasn’t bad enough I started a job two weeks ago I just can’t see myself facing it at least for a few weeks ....
I’m thinking of asking my gp to sign me off for a fortnight whilst I attempt to get through this a least a little.
Is this unreasonable do you think ? Last thing I want is to lose my job.

OP posts:
Opentooffers · 28/03/2021 14:05

A couple of weeks seems fair, I think I had 4 off, but had been in the job a long time and actually by the time I got back, it was good to have my thoughts distracted by work. You will get over this, and you will develop strength and resilience, he will always be the unreliable flake and has to live with that.

Windmillwhirl · 28/03/2021 14:06

I'm so sorry, op.

Only you know what is best for you. Personally I would keep going to work as I'd need routine and always have in a crisis.

Have you any support in real life? Have you close friends nearby?

kateshair · 28/03/2021 14:36

Yes have a few close supportive friends I’m thankfully for that. Am
Managing to keep it together for my daughter as want to keep it’s as normal as possible for her.
My job is quite a responsible one needs me to be on the ball.
Will speak to the GP tomorrow as am feeling exceptionally panicked at the moment.

OP posts:
edwinbear · 28/03/2021 14:43

If you’re only a couple of weeks into a new job, I’d really try and keep doing it. It’s bad timing but the last thing you need is to fail probation and end up unemployed on top of everything else. Maybe a quiet word with your boss to let them know you’re struggling at the moment but remain committed to the job. Then if you’re not at your best they will at least know why.

whitespotsgreenleaves · 28/03/2021 14:48

Personally if you can go to work, go to work. If this is a new job with a new employer then you effectively have no legal rights. They might decide to just fire you. I worked for a large public sector employee and a new member of staff, a young woman who was lovely, delighted to have the job and clearly very keen, got glandular fever a few weeks after starting. The advice from HR was to fire her, as we didn't know how long she would be off for, and she was. I was absolutely disgusted with her manager for firing her, she'd probably have been back at work before they employed someone else given how slow the recruitment process was, but there we go. She was fired. She was devastated.

(if it is a new job with an existing employer, then yeah, take time off)

So sorry this has happened to you OP Flowers

Insomnia5 · 28/03/2021 14:54

I’m sorry this happened op. How long were you together? Do you know why he left or what his plans are?

I do agree with continuing to go to work. You say you’re trying to keep things normal for your daughter. What would you intend to do with your 2 weeks off? I don’t mean this as harshly as it sounds, but moping around at home is going to make everything worse, you’ll also be at risk of losing your new job, you don’t need more stress. What’s your support network like? Can you have a word with your boss, plus have family and friends rally round to help you?

Alfiemoon1 · 28/03/2021 14:58

Sorry you are going through this I would try and go to work though as you have only been in the role a few weeks

Imjustsootired · 28/03/2021 15:01

I'm so sorry OP.

I would very strongly suggest going to work. The getting up and getting going will be tough but honestly, you'll resort to moping around crying dwelling and panicking otherwise. Allow the distraction. Fall apart when you get home....
It is extraordinarily tough I know and I'm so sorry for you xxx

TheWaif · 28/03/2021 15:04

There is a very high chance of you losing your job if you do this. Almost certain tbh.

kateshair · 28/03/2021 15:18

Hi thanks for all your input appreciate it ...
I’m a teacher and the new role is in the same place just different title...
I’m torn as too what to do really however I know I won’t be able to cope with my job at least for a short while :-(

OP posts:
TaraR2020 · 28/03/2021 15:21

Op I'm so sorry, how awful for you :(

I agree that you should try to continue with work as much as possible and avoid taking time off sick if you. I don't think it would be unreasonable to take a long weekend if you need it but explain to your manager that its a one off and you need a little extra time at the weekend to sort some things out re the split.

Definitely see your gp anyway - take all the support they offer to manage anxiety and sleep etc. I would also look for counselling to help you find your way through the messy shock and emotional fall out.

If you dd can stay with her grandparents for a weekend to give you some space to let loose your emotions I think this would really help. You need a bit of air to let loose your shock and pain without having to be responsible for your child.

I would look at work as a grounding place and something to anchor you during this awful time and then really up your self care out of it, even if that means just doing nothing.

Don't let your ex screw up your new job just because he's thrown a grenade into your life.

Panic is a normal emotion when your world has been turned upside down, its your bodies way of knowing that you need to act but not knowing how. Its a response to shock to tell yourself if its OK to feel this way. Let the feelings come in their waves and wash over you, take a deep breath and think of the next little thing that you can do. It will help stop you getting paralysed by fear.

Obviously if your mental health is really dreadful and hitting crisis point then you need to prioritise it and if it comes to a choice between that and sick leave you need to do whats necessary.

In the interests of your job and not taking sick leave...

Get easy to cook things in - ready meals, one pots, slow cooked dinners, or meals cooked for you by family and friends that you just take out the freezer to bung in the oven.

Get some fresh air as much as possible - a walk or time in the garden if you have one every day if you can. Focus on getting the best sleep you can.

Try and carve out some time each day before bed to sit and be with your thoughts and emotions so that you don't get into bed and have them all circling your mind preventing you from sleeping.

I hope these don't sound empty platitudes but from experience I know how when your world has been blown up like that and you have to carry on, its so important to find ways to protect your health so that you don't break completely. I'm not suggesting for a minute they'll make everything better, just that, however pointless they may seem at first, they can help you manage things. With everything you know rocked, establishing a new routine that prioritises emotional,physical and financial security does help.

You will get through this and things will get better. Flowers

joystir59 · 28/03/2021 15:28

I'd try and carry on working. I think you'll feel more anxious and panicky not going to work and having to cope with work will help you get a sense of perspective and control.over your life. Earning money and looking after your source of income is a very good thing for you to focus on right now.

TwoStepsAhead34 · 28/03/2021 15:38

If I was you, I would carry on working and rip off the plaster in once - it will give you something else to focus on, it will do you good on your career and mostly - you will have less time to waste about thinking that spineless twat.
Your daughter needs you. Put her and your work 1st.
Breaking up is hard- my ex went to work one Monday and never came back. Resurfaced months later. I had two very small children - a baby and a toddler and my maternity leave finished. Best thing I did was to find new job and focus on my life - work, kids, house and me.
Not denying- it was hard AF and I didn't eat or sleep and was a walking wreck, but it was a blessing in disguise.
ATB Flowers

kateshair · 28/03/2021 15:45

All of what your saying makes sense but I really need time to grieve over this. Hate feeling this weak and lost but there it is.
Have great support around me two sisters who are my rocks. Have savings thank god !
Mortgage is small.
Can’t believe he’s done this I can honestly
Say about didn’t see this one coming :-(

OP posts:
seensome · 28/03/2021 16:26

It's a difficult situation isn't it, two years ago I split with my husband of 18 years, he left me but I went to work still, I think it helped a bit to push the thought to back of your mind while I was busy working, I'm sure colleagues will be there to offer you support when you need it. Sitting around for two weeks wallowing won't do your MH any good.

autumnalrain · 28/03/2021 16:26

I know it’s hard but I’d honestly try and keep going. Firstly I don’t think it would look good from a professional point of view but also I think the routine will do you good, and serve as a distraction! If anything sitting around all day will give your more time to ruminate over things.

AiryFairyMum · 28/03/2021 16:41

I'd try to keep busy and go io n to work - time off will only make it worse IME. Hugs to you - I've had similar and it was awful, and now I am so glad it happened. I know it takes a while to get there though!

HollowTalk · 28/03/2021 16:45

What a terrible shock. Is he the father of your children, OP? How are they coping?

Jumpers268 · 28/03/2021 16:59

After my ex of 11 years left me I took 2 weeks off. But actually, I was glad to be back at work once I was at work but my job didn't really need me to talk to anyone too much so it was a distraction rather than difficult. Only you can know what it right for you. The doctor actually signed me off with "grief" as it really was what I, and you, was going through. No judgement whatever you decide. And you will get through this Flowers.

FarFromTheMaddeningToddler · 28/03/2021 17:00

Hi, I’m so sorry to hear what you’re going through. If you are in the UK then the Easter break is almost here so can you struggle on until then? If not then it shouldn’t be too many days to take off, most schools round here (London) break up on Wednesday. My marriage broke down a couple of months ago, I’m also a teacher and school were very supportive. Does your line manager know?

couchparsnip · 28/03/2021 17:01

OP I hope you're OK. What a horrible thing to happen - and such bad timing in his part. Did he do it on purpose?
I assume you're not in the UK as you're be starting Easter holidays soon, which would at least mean you're out if the classroom for a couple of weeks.

kateshair · 28/03/2021 19:24

Gosh am really overwhelmed with all the advice and support from you all ..
Lots of good positive advice here !!
He said we weren’t working anymore . He needs space. I found a text message on his phone it’s someone he works with - urgh !!

OP posts:
Alfiemoon1 · 02/04/2021 15:11

Sorry to see your update op. I hope you are ok

MaLarkinn · 02/04/2021 16:18

Sorry to read this op. If I were you I'd do my best to keep going to work. If not, it will probably just give you another thing to worry about.

Insomnia5 · 02/04/2021 17:53

How are doing op? So he’s been having an affair then?

Swipe left for the next trending thread