Should I stay or go

[Bluegem81]

I’m after some practical and objective advice which I know mumsnetters are great at!

Together with DH for 19 years, married 17, 3 DC. We had our first child very quickly after getting together, I was very young, still living at home etc. My life took a turn that wasn’t planned, but we were very happy for years.

Fast forward to around 5 years ago, cracks began to show. We communicated less, took less notice of each other, no intimacy (largely me to him, he still tried from time to time). That has just got worse and worse and for the past year I have thought seriously about separating. When I first had these thoughts it was scary, overwhelming and I thought I could never see it through. As time has gone on it has become less so, and I almost fantasise about us separating and being on my own with my children.

I have been so scared about bringing this up with him. I don’t want to hurt him or upend my children’s lives, but I am so unhappy. We did touch on it a couple of times last year so he does have an idea of how I feel, but nothing was resolved and we have just carried on going through the motions.
Anyway, last night he brought it up out of the blue. He said I’m making him miserable and I need to decide what I want. He said it’s nobody’s fault and he can’t blame me for how I feel but it’s not fair or healthy for either of us to live like this. This is what I’ve wanted for so long and now I’m terrified. I feel like I have this monumental decision resting in my shoulders that will affect all of ours lives. If I decide we split things will be so difficult. We both have good jobs and earn well, but we have no assets (another long story). We rent a lovely house that neither of us could afford on our own. I read so many threads on here where women are treated terribly by their partners, I’m not, so am I being selfish? But on the other hand I don’t want to wake up in 10 years time and feel like I do now, and regret that I didn’t leave.

It all feels hopeless and I want to bury my head in the sand and not face it but I know I have to. Anyone been in a similar position? What would you do?
(Hope all that makes sense, I feel like it’s a very long ramble!)

I think your husband is right and it’s not healthy to keep living like this when you could split and both have a chance at greater happiness. That would be better for the kids too in the long run. There’s no shame in having a relationship that has run its course, sounds like you may have outgrown each other a bit as you married young. But you’ve had a successful partnership and raised your kids together, and it sounds like you could part amicably and co parent really well from here with mutual respect, which is more than a lot of people have.

Well, it sounds like he's had enough too, so the choice isn't really stay and continue as you are or split - it's make some radical changes in your relationship, or split, or he'll do it for you.

Is it worth going to relationship counselling together? Even if you decide to split, it might be easier to keep amicable with support.

You've fantasized about being single for a year..
He's possibly done the same.
It's scary to make such a big decision.

I think you should sit down and plan out how you would work life if you separate. Where could you afford to live. Where will kids be on which days etc.

Start by looking for rentals you can afford individually.

Thank you for taking the time to reply.

Sallyanne33 your reply was lovely and yes, I think we do have a chance of co parenting successfully.

I just don’t know where to start with it all, it feels as though I have a huge uphill struggle ahead....

This is your big chance, dont waste it. Your husband has given you the opportunity to jump so be brave and take it xx

OP it is scary. Your whole adult life has been lived with the reassurance of him being a team with you. The idea of breaking that up and starting a different era, initially alone, is shocking, I know.

But look at why. Neither of you feel fulfilled. You both feel unloved.

Is this about the sex? That's what I've understood. No sex, no intimacy, no touch, no romance?

He's saying he can't live like that. So either you work on that. Or go your separate ways.

I am not going to rose-tint this: it IS easier to have a life partner (if that works ok), it IS nicer to have someone else sharing the tasks and responsibilities and children. My goodness even just putting out the bins. There being someone else to go out and close a gate banging in the wind. Someone to bury your face in when you go to sleep, and forget about all the rest. Someone to tuck in the other side of the king size bed sheet (and be competitive with over who does the best corners ...).

He's unique too as the father of your children.

So don't make the mistake of yearning for a life you don't fully know and may regret. I suspect this is what's worrying you, and it is a very very real concern.

You will have to rent two houses. Have the costs of two households (well, have to each shoulder the full cost). You and the kids (and him in his place) will have to live somewhere not as nice. He might meet someone and move somewhere great and you're in small rented forever.

Etc.

I'm playing devil's advocate here but I don't know how much you don't want him. Only you know that. Just don't think it's all miraculously cool striking out alone. Because it definitely is not. There are different challenges to now, but at the mo you have it very cosy.

Then again sounds like you may be mid 30s in which case you can have a whole new life and family and even kids if you get going and find someone else.

What about the kids? How do you see this panning out for them?

He sounds very sensible. He also deserves someone who wants him fully. It must have taken courage and humility to speak up. And love. He's had to say I understand if you don't want me. It's not your fault but it's a fact and we need to deal with it. That takes some decency.

I am not you. I would probably see too much solid good in what you have and want to be certain things really can't be fixed before chucking it all in.

But yes, if you're aware of the upheaval and uncertainty, and effect on the children, yes some people do this and are way happier in the end. So maybe you should just go for it.

“I think you should sit down and plan out how you would work life if you separate. Where could you afford to live. Where will kids be on which days etc.”

This is how you should start. One step at a time. Separating out your lives is going to be sad and tough but staying will be harder. It sounds like he will be easy to deal with.

Look at it this way: by splitting you’re giving him the chance to start again with someone else who actively wants to be with him so ultimately it’s better for you both.

How old are the DC?

I don't think anyone should stay in a relationship and be miserable and it sounds like you both are. But by sitting down and working out which properties right now you could rent on your budget, how you are going to co-parent the children and how will you work out Christmas and birthdays and holidays? This is the harsh reality. Day dreaming about being by yourself is one thing, did you also include waking up on Christmas morning without your children? I am not divorced but have had to comfort my friends who are divorced when they spend their first Christmas alone. It is very sad.

I also think you need to look at whether you can work your way back to one another. Could you make changes now that both of you are aware of them?

Ultimately you need to make an informed decision, so talking through two futures, one where you stay and work it out, the second where you split and what that would look like.

It sounds like the opportunity has come to set each other free.

Some people are better off as co-parents and friends than husband and wife.

Take a deep breath and go for it.

Thank you all so much for your advice, you’ve given me lots to think about.

To answer some questions, my children are 18, 14 and 8. I’m in my late 30’s. I find it hard to imagine how my children would feel. My oldest is off to uni later this year. I’m so proud of him and of course am encouraging him to go but he’s my best friend and I’ll miss him terribly. But I suppose ultimately less affected? I just don’t know. My other 2 I’m sure would be upset but I do worry about the relationship model I’m showing them at the moment, that can’t be good for them either. I do know that if we did decide to split, we would do so I’m the most amicable way possible and I’m not concerned that they would be stuck in the middle of warring parents, it just wouldn’t be like that.
I hear what PP have said about setting him free and giving him the chance of being happy with someone else. I have thought about this a lot and weirdly, I feel like I would like this to happen. I think for selfish reasons as it means he would take the choice out of my hands, but still, I’m aware it’s a strange way to think.