Please listen to these women who have been through it. They can see it for what it clearly is, AND what it can and will become. Calling it abuse is not overstating it. It may feel that it is at the stage you are in, as you believe he really is just terribly insecure, he gets sad and upset about it (in between the accusations, guilt, manipulation and control) you feel guilty, so you try and be a good parter, reassuring him in every way possible. Constantly restricting yourself further in the hope that this time maybe all the effort, correcting triggering behaviour and the sacrifices you have made will be enough to get him to see sense and the truth. But it is NEVER enough, because IT IS NOT YOU nor your behaviour that is in the wrong. You think on those better times defending him and thinking "but he's not physically abusive", and he's not ALL bad... God do you cling on to those happier times and think if only I do everything he wants we will get that back! Worse if you have children because you convince yourself it's best to stay for them, and he is a loving Dad etc.
Women don't just get with men who they believe or know to be abusive. So how do we end up with them? Why so many stuck for so many years with them? Because it is slow and insidious. They very gradually and very deliberately exert their control over you, as @baileys6904 said, it STARTS with you not going out as much just to keep the peace, it feels like it's not worth the hassle and Agro every time, then not seeing friends and family as much, no male friends, financial control, increasing emotional abuse, sulking, silent treatment, constant bizarre and outrageous accusations of cheating even when it's not humanly possible to have done anything with anyone anywhere with the constant surveillance and picking apart everything you say and do when you have so much as been to the supermarket. Eventually they don't even allow that on your own. These days there are spyware apps put on your phone and computer, trackers on your car if you are even allowed to drive as well as checking exact mileage. Using terms like fearing for yours and the kids safety so he wants CCTV inside your house where he can see you are 'safe' when he is at work.They don't want you to work, they don't want you to dress nice, or wear make up or it becomes accusations of "who are you getting dressed up for?!" They belittle you with name calling and attacking everything about your character, they use your own insecurities against you, anything you told him once upon a time in trust and confidence become just another weapon against you. It's like they are a boa constrictor snake that has their prey in their grip. Every time you are grasping for air they squeeze a little tighter and tighter... They blame you for everything and wear you down in every possible way. They get you isolated from friends by not allowing you to go out with them, and by insulting them and saying they don't like or approve of particular friends, that so and so is a slut and a bad influence on you, or hates your single friend/s and you don't get to act like them by going out all the time socially - and by all the time - they mean that daytime cup of tea you had with another mum once or twice, and that one girls night you had to go to that time no matter how much he tried to spoil and sabotage your evening by fighting beforehand, belittling how you look, accusing you of going out to cheat, calling you fifty times, leaving angry verbally abusive texts and voicemails, finding excuses that he needs you home NOW... such as looking after his own child bf baby despite having plenty notice and the efforts you made to show him bottle feeds. They turn you against your family with similar tactics to the friends, or use those things you have said against your own family when you felt hurt when they may have let you down in some way or had a fall out like normal families do, but they use these things as reasons to hate them and not want your family around or you to see or speak to them... you aren't allowed to be around at your family's home for a visit or special occasion without him but yet he also doesn't want to go with you. He hovers around you giving you "that look" when you are on the phone to them, or anyone, monitoring your every word, wanting you to put them on speaker so you can no longer even speak freely and privately to your own family. Checking your phone calls, texts, social media. Accuse you when you have any male like or comment, so after the millionth argument either you decide it's not worth it, or he actually forces you to get rid. They not only keep you from friends, family, colleagues they also keep you from the public in general, in case you shag someone in the three minutes late you were coming back from the shop, they work and work at making your life such a misery and you constantly try to change and be 'better' for them, thinking if that's what's making him unhappy and treating me this way I will just stop doing xyz and do abc that he wants. Until you realise you no longer recognise yourself. The constant state of fear, confusion, loneliness, you start to believe their lies and your self worth erodes to nothing, you at first question your sanity until over time until you lose it. It is not until you are free from them and have had some time to heal that you think what happened to that strong independent person I was who would never have tolerated such abuse?!
It will go on worsening indefinitely, this is no life to live and no example to your poor children. If anything please do not "stay for the kids", in relationships like this one it will be best to leave for the kids. Leave now before you are irreparably damaged by this man. Let your children have a happy childhood and upbringing with a strong Mum, not the shadow of herself she will become if she continues under this control.
My abuser was never physical with me, until the end. After 4 and a half years. He was so convinced I had cheated on him that I was abruptly awoken from a deep sleep in my bed in the middle of the night by him strangling me by the throat and beating my head against the solid wooden headboard, he then screamed at me, throwing me across the room, hitting and kicking me everywhere on my body except from my face, as if consciously not leaving marks on my face so my clothing would hide this attack... he hit me with a huge metal tripod that held his old camcorder (old heavy one from90s) then he literally dragged me by the hair down four flights of stairs from our flat and physically hurled me out in the street with me in just a short nightie with no shoes or clothes on, in the pissing rain -in a dangerous area we lived in on a Saturday night well 3am. He called me all sorts of sluts and slags under the sun. I had no money because he didn't allow me any. I had no mobile phone because ditto, so I couldn't call the police or anyone for help, but even if I did, I had nobody I could call, I had either lost or forced to have given up friendships and contact family. After hours of just laying stunned crying and shaking in the street, I had a stranger help me to make a call, I called my Dad whom I hadn't spoken to in two years because of him. Luckily he came to my rescue, he wanted to kill my partner but I didn't want my Dad to go to jail, because I know my Dad and he would have done it and happily done the time! So he got away with it. I never told the police. I was ashamed, and numb, I just wanted to hide away and recover, it was only this violence that made me see sense to finally leave him. He was begging to get me back, so many tears, promises to change, threats again of suicide, which actually was a joke, his suicidal times were last grasps at control and getting me back but no real intentions to actually harm himself, just enough to guilt and put the fear on to me. Which is a sick joke because in fact I almost commit suicide twice in the time I was with him as I felt trapped and had nobody and no way out. I lived in his place and had nowhere and nobody to go to, he had seen to that. Although I had finally finished with him, he stalked me for a further year and made my life hell, but I never gave up until I was fee and had my power back. He was a weak pathetic creature. I could finally see him for exactly the cowardice bully who could only pick on women. Just like @Easterbunnygettingready my abuser also used to "check me" physically for "signs of sex" by checking me, and my underwear, smelling me and telling me "I smelled like sex" so degrading. If you object to this inspection then it is only proof of your cheating, "you should have nothing to worry about if you have nothing to hide" "he's seen it all before" when you object to him going down there to "check" and so the only reason you must be trying to get out of it is because you have something to hide!
Please if you can tell a friend and or family so they can support you and become more aware of his games and agendas behind closed doors. I swear the abuse only gets worse over time, you can't see the abuse until you are really in it, sometimes not even then, many women it's not until they are out of the grasp and out from their evil spell can they see clearly and they wonder how the hell did I put up with it for so long. You say he is not physically abusive. It really doesn't mean he doesn't have it in him to be, either when some imaginary slight he believes you've wronged him causes him to snap or he becomes convinced he finally has the proof of you cheating (of course he doesn't but he can find it in an empty room), or as others say it is when you finally try and get free from them, leaving is the most dangerous time.
Read up different types of abuse, and coercive control, and specifically the constant false accusations of cheating, talk to women's aid, if you do want to leave try to get professional advice from them on how best to leave safely and have others in your life to help and support you.
I gave the best years of myself to an animal like this and I remember being at the stage you are where you become defensive of him and truly believe it's not abuse and that he is just insecure, they are fantastic at playing the victim, turning on the tears, trying to end the relationship they threaten suicide. They seem so emotionally broken and lost you are convinced he would go through with it if you leave. (They don't) The guilt and fear makes you stay. I wish I had someone or multiple women try to open my eyes and tell me to go.
I know this will not be easy with children involved, but you still have family and friends that can help you through that big decision and the real practicalities of leaving, or getting him to leave depending on your circumstances. I'm so sorry this is happening to you and so many others. I'm also sorry this post was so long and didn't mean to hijack it, but I couldn't pass this and not scream and pour out my heart and soul to warn you because you are still at an earlier stage and it's better to get out then than later. Spare yourself and your kids all that hurt. No matter what, please do things safely and at your own pace. I hope things work out for you whatever you decide. It's your life and your choice. Just please take these warnings on board. Stay strong, you are not alone and there is always help out there, and here.
Hugs to all of you who have been through or going through any type of abuse. My heart is with you. 