Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Protection built in.

Meet the Other Phone.
Protection built in.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

DH called DD chubby.

28 replies

Periodohperiodwhereartthou · 27/03/2021 17:08

Not sure if I’m being unreasonable about this. It’s a very touchy subject for me as it’s something my parents would called me, and even today I really struggle with my weight and body image. It’s something I always vowed to never put my lovely little one through.

DH was eating a bar of chocolate, DD (almost 3) wanted some but he finished it. I remembered I had a kinder egg in my jacket pocket as I’d bought it at the shop yesterday. I went and got it for her and as soon as DH saw it he said (in quite a nasty way) “those chubby cheeks don’t need any more chocolate”. I just responded “oh well lucky I wasn’t giving it to you” back to him to make it into a joke and gave it to her, but that comment really hurt me. DD is not chubby or fat, she’s a perfectly healthy weight! When I spoke to him afterwards about it and asked him not to say things like that to her he told me I was being ridiculous and his parents said the same thing and he turned out just fine. Hmm

Not sure if it’s relevant, my MiL is also very critical of weight in general and will say very horrible things to my SiL that I can see have a massive effect on her. So I can see that it’s something he grew up and although it didn’t have an effect on him, it has clearly had an effect on his Dsis.

Am i overreacting here? Surely all children have chocolate every now and again

OP posts:
dementedpixie · 27/03/2021 17:13

He sounds very hypocritical considering he was eating chocolate in the first place! And eating it in front of a child is mean if you aren't going to offer them any.

pog100 · 27/03/2021 17:15

He's modelling, admittedly quite common, shit parenting from his childhood. You were right to call him on it on this occasion and every future one. I would try to explain to him the damage it does, though whether he recognises the problems for his sister is doubtful.

Midlifelady · 27/03/2021 17:17

I hate that 'it didn't do me any harm' defence, the child is a different person. You don't want a child growing up self conscious of their bodies. He's in the wrong here.

dementedpixie · 27/03/2021 17:17

I used to get accused of 'eating us out of house and home' by my dad if I went into the freezer to find food to eat. Made me sneak food instead

yikesanotherbooboo · 27/03/2021 17:19

Op that is unacceptable by your DH and I hope that your intervention will mean that he looks at himself and doesn't do it again.

partyatthepalace · 27/03/2021 17:20

You were right to call him on it, and if his tone was deliberately nasty then he is clearly repeating what he heard as a child. Pull him up, every time - even if he never understands he’ll get bored of being told off (hopefully). You will likely have to do same with your MIL

SpongeBobJudgeyPants · 27/03/2021 17:23

Yes, call him out on this nasty misogynist shit every time. And the pure selfishness and lack of awareness of sitting eating a chocolate bar he wasn't prepared to share. Is he generally this lacking in any social skills OP?

LondonCrone · 27/03/2021 17:23

OP you’re right to be upset, and I would have actually been much more strident in my response. My father by and large was wonderful, but I have NEVER forgotten the (few) critical comments he’s made about my body/appearance. My stepmom is the same about her dad, and actually warned mine that i would never forget his remarks — unfortunately he didn’t listen. I would be having very strong words with my husband if I were you.

Quartz2208 · 27/03/2021 17:33

He didnt turn out fine though if he is making the comment to his DD

21BumbleBees · 27/03/2021 17:35

It was not a nice thing to say and you're right to call him out, nip this in the bud. Hopefully with DD being so young it would have sailed right over her head anyway. But eating chocolate in front of a child and refusing them a small piece is downright nasty, I'd be as equally concerned about that behaviour.

doctorhamster · 27/03/2021 17:40

I grew up with a father who used to say "don't eat that you'll get fat" every time I ate anything he deemed unhealthy. It seriously fucked up my relationship with food and I've been overweight my whole adult life. It absolutely needs nipping in the bud.

Original poster
Periodohperiodwhereartthou · 27/03/2021 18:17

The irony is he (although slim) eats a ridiculous amount of chocolate/sweets/crisps! Last night he ate a sharer bar of chocolate and a bag of those Cadbury caramel disk things in the space of ten minutes! greedy bastard I can’t even explain the rage I felt when he said it but I didn’t want to draw attention to the comment in front of DD as you never know how much they take in at this age, the conversation we had later was less calm.

I feel much better now that you have all reaffirmed it’s a shitty thing to say! No way will I have my DD grow up with the same self esteem issues I have. I’ll definitely be broaching the subject again just to reaffirm that it’s not something I will stand for. I know it probably sounds majorly OTT but little comments like this is definitely LTB territory for me.

OP posts:
Okbussitout · 27/03/2021 18:22

He sounds fucking awful. Sorry

This behaviour is really toxic. It needs to be addressed immediately. What a dick.

Newmum110 · 27/03/2021 18:24

I will never forget being called horizontally gifted as a child at a family gathering.
I was & still am unfortunately, but that certainly didn't help my self esteem during my childhood.
It is not funny & he needs to know that.

Colourmeclear · 27/03/2021 18:34

I think often when people said it didn't do them any harm they have no idea how it affects them. It's usually something that is held unconsciously.

I was often told I was getting a belly, I was given less food than my brother because 'girls need less' and various other things that really skewed my relationship with food and my body.

You are right to be upset and I hope he takes on board all your concerns. It was cruel of him to eat chocolate in front of her as well. I really hope he listens.

UnsolicitedDickPic · 27/03/2021 18:44

@Periodohperiodwhereartthou

The irony is he (although slim) eats a ridiculous amount of chocolate/sweets/crisps! Last night he ate a sharer bar of chocolate and a bag of those Cadbury caramel disk things in the space of ten minutes! greedy bastard I can’t even explain the rage I felt when he said it but I didn’t want to draw attention to the comment in front of DD as you never know how much they take in at this age, the conversation we had later was less calm.

I feel much better now that you have all reaffirmed it’s a shitty thing to say! No way will I have my DD grow up with the same self esteem issues I have. I’ll definitely be broaching the subject again just to reaffirm that it’s not something I will stand for. I know it probably sounds majorly OTT but little comments like this is definitely LTB territory for me.

I don't think it's OTT if he's got form for this sort of shitty, misogynistic comment and you don't believe he'll change. The world is awful enough to women, without her taking flak in her home.
Dery · 27/03/2021 18:54

“He didnt turn out fine though if he is making the comment to his DD”

This. You’re absolutely right to come down like a tonne of bricks on this. Leaving aside the lack of awareness of eating chocolate but criticising his child for doing so, comments like that can be terribly damaging to children. They won’t have much impact when she’s 3 but even just at 7 or 8, they can start to land and adolescents can be quickly devastated by such remarks as they start to grow into their adult bodies. Even apparently happy, confident children can flick over to having anorexia or bulimia incredibly quickly.

EKGEMS · 27/03/2021 18:57

Not only is he mean and nasty but he's fucking greedy as well

Doyoumindfisithere · 27/03/2021 18:59

You are right and he is wrong

Sally872 · 27/03/2021 19:00

It is beyond rude to eat chocolate in front of anyone and not offering any. If you don't want to share it eat it later.

I am not against describing toddlers as chubby if the context is positive but your dh was completely out of order. Of course chocolate is ok as a treat.

If at any point my child is overweight I will cut the junk out of the household and make treats less frequent. Not eat chocolate in front of her but say she shouldn't. If he actually has concerns it should be a conversation and a plan between the adults. Not a petty dig at a toddler!

Well done for not tolerating it!

WitchesBritchesPumpkinPants · 27/03/2021 19:13

YANBU

Eating chocolate in front of a child & not sharing is greedy & selfish.

At her age I would have said 'of course she needs chocolate to help keep those chubby cheeks gorgeously chubby' you, however, do not.

You did the right thing telling him not to make these remarks.

Keep on top Of it! 💐

What your Dad says about you/your body has a massive impact on you. Don't allow him to minimise that.

Lorieandrews · 27/03/2021 19:14

Slightly different. But my dad called me big nose. My nose is fine. But it took me 30 off year to not feel insecure about it. So yes. He was wrong!

LancesGold · 27/03/2021 19:21

YANBU at all. I would be incandescent with rage as well.
If he can't stop such horrible behaviour then I would totally agree it is LTB territory. No man is worth sacrificing your precious childs self worth for. Also who the hell eats chocolate in front of their toddler without offering them some? That's off putting by itself.

Is he a good dad in other ways?

MrsBobDylan · 27/03/2021 19:22

He is an arsehole. My dh's Dad used to point out that he 'would get fat' practically every time he ate a treat or had seconds.

It makes me so angry and has affected dh so much. He is slim, runs every day but is currently following a very restrictive diet to loose weight and he really doesn't need to.

HoldontoOneMoreDay · 27/03/2021 19:33

I mean this in the kindest possible way, and I do think DH was in the wrong (who eats chocolate in front of a kid and doesn't share, FGS?) but I think this is something you both have to find a way through, because it sounds like you both have a pretty fucked up attitude towards food. OP, you at least recognise and acknowledge yours, but it's still there and it will still affect your DC.

I think you need to find a non-pressured way to talk about this properly. It's really interesting to me that he eats so much shit yet his sister gets so much strife, there's a really toxic pattern there. He'll end up passing that on. But then in your natural desire to stop that happening, you risk going too far the other way, and even making food a battleground. This is meant with huge kindness by the way. But you both need to find a way to tackle it, it's not as simple as DH being wrong.

Swipe left for the next trending thread