Would you stay...

[MrsZola]

If you found out that your partner had been lying to you about money througout the 30+years of your marriage and continued to lie despite being found out and called on it? Plus has developed a progressive neurological condition that now makes them totally dependent?
I found out about the money in the last 4 years - 'd'h dx 9 years ago.
I want to walk but it feels like I am turning my back on a drowning person and walking away. All trust has evaporated completely. I really think I don't love him now.

What about your needs?
Lying always gets me, how can you trust him again?
I can imagine you probably feel guilt tripped into staying for his condition now. Do you have kids?

You don't trust him. You don't love him.

Why do you need to know whether anybody else would stay?

His illness has nothing to do with his untrustworthiness. Do you think that all ill people must have partners, regardless of what kind of person they are?

What’s kept you there for the 4 years since you found out? Does the financial deception jeopardise your own future? By staying does your own situation get progressively worse?

It sounds miserable. He’s broken the trust and continues to lie to you. That’s a deal breaker. You don’t owe him because he’s ill.

Are you saying he was diagnosed 9 years ago?
Do you think the nuerological condition contributed to his financial deception?
Is he totally dependant on you, mobility wise.

Sorry more questions than answers, do you feel it's your duty as in sickness and health marriage vows.

If you no longer love him, then why decieve him as he has with you.
Tell him you don't love him.

If he lied to me about money for 25 years I'd leave probably.

I think I would find it really difficult to leave someone who had been a big part of my life at the most vulnerable point in theirs. I think it would depend on the smoky of money they'd hidden from me and the implications of that. If you've missed out on major things like holidays or a house you needed for the family because of it I would struggle, but if it's a small amount he kept for a rainy day I'd probably just spend it on care for him now.
Tough dilemma OP I hope you get the support you both need.

Thank you for all your replies.
Two adult children, one married, one who has ASD and still lives with us. He cares for his dad when I'm at work.
I honestly don't think the financial decisions he's made have much to do with his condition - looking back he's always been secretive about money, I just didn't realise because it never occurred to me that he would do that.
I stayed because I had a breakdown (work stress mostly, but probably felt trapped when everything came to light) and was in no place to make a massive decision. More stuff has come to light recently which has pushed me into questioning our future again.
We have missed out on big things like holidays ( last one was 2007), down to the last pennies of our overdraft and no savings most months, I skipped meals to make things go further.
One of the biggest things for me is that we had to remortgage home a few years ago - I agreed because I thought the money was being used for something else and he assurred me that we wouldn't have a problem paying it back. Fast forward to this year and he admitted that he knew we'd never be able to clear the mortgage and we'd have to sell the house. We could only afford it at the time because I sunk my small inheritance from my grandfather into it. The one stipulation I made was our home had to be safe.
I do take my marriage vows seriously, but the line has been crossed. It's him becoming increasingly disabled is where I am struggling massively.
Sorry for the long post.

Sounds like planned deliberate deceit that benefitted him and you will pay that price forever by not owning your home. Meanwhile you sacrifice the rest of your life caring for him?

I don't think I could stay tbh.