To begin with, I feel somewhat awful speaking negatively about him. He is a good soul, and whatever his shortcomings may be, I would never see him hurt.
That said, we have been in a partnership for 26 years. We didnt want to have kids, or buy a house, so have been happily renting and living where we like as self employed creatives for most of this time. This has been no problem for us, although I must admit to wanting to share more responsibilities with each other as we get older (I am 47, he is 57).
We have a baseline of great trust and love, which I know will remain if we become 'just friends', however difficult it might be to make the move.
OK, here comes the trouble: I think we may no longer be compatible. Since the loss of my parents in the past 7 years, and various other changes, I have grown into the idea of us actually living together officially (we do this anyway more or less, but both rent different houses with separate finances - this was always good with us, previously).
For the past few years I have worked pretty hard to get myself a lovely place in the Lakes, am gaining more work experience there and trying to expand my self employment. I had thought at some point he would want to join me. It is my dream place, he says he adores it, however....
He lives miles away in a very depressed place, with lots of social issues because the rent is low. He has been there for 15yrs now and the place is falling to bits, to the point I can barely use many of the fixtures without help - bath, back door, etc. He does not report these, and the owners are too laid back to care. THIS is the least of my problem!
His reason not to come with me is that he is used to being there, has local links to his colleagues and simply doesn't like change. It truly is miserable there, very spartan, we don't 'fit in', and his only focus is his work. There is nothing else to do there, most businesses are folding, no culture or prospects, the residents are troubled or struggling with poverty and issues, sadly.
He is a very talented composer, not famous, but sadly won't push his work far enough. I have never criticised this, but it seems strange. I encourage and adore his work, as he does mine.
But if I don't bring it up, he never mentions making a will (he has a moderate amount of savings whilst I have quite a bit more). He SAYS he wants to leave the place, eventually, and live with me properly, but this would affect the small bit of housing help he gets from the council. I am fully financially independent (no assistance, etc) and would have been happy for him to join forces with me as we worked towards a future together, which means I am happy to pay our rent. it is almost as if this dependency upon the fragile balance of his affairs is more important to him. Long and short of it is, he shows little active interest, regardless always insisting he cares. He won't move towards me or plan any kind of full partnership.
It seems he would never leave that house, even though he is quite miserable there. Ive never understood this, but it is like there is no will or motivation to try. As if he can't break from the habits of a lifetime, with no real push to make our lives better in the future.
I am a chatty type, I love to be alone but enjoy good company. I share ideas, dreams, observations, passions, etc. As he ages he no longer does this with me, and most of our evening - before covid, too - he spends on YouTube enjoying hobby related videos. This is nice, but he rarely has anything to share with me at all, no ideas, plans, anything. Over time I wondered if I was going a bit insane, but in the last year or two I have been trying to talk to him about it.
It always goes badly, in fact, this is an age-old pattern - he is emotionally present for a few years then seems to just cut off from me. This has been going on since I meant him. This is also the reason I never officially lived with him for long, as after a few years he would seem to want out.
And then we always stay close friends, which after a few more years sees us back together, so he has possibly got used to this, but it is starting to feel disastrous to me, as if his emotional intelligence is ....arrested or something.
Like I say, he is a good man, and I know that he cares very deeply for me, he makes me feel loved, beautiful and desired.
It is worth mentioning that I have never wanted to financially depend upon a man, I do not subscribe to the belief that a man with less money than myself is worthless - so those elements are not my concern - but at this point in my life I think we ought to be more secure in our plans, combined dreams, our chatter and our idea of home. I do need more than this.
Since last weekend, he has gone into one of those distant cycles again, and I can barely reach him. All over a very minor, trivial disagreement. He has barely spoken to me, although is friendly when he does. But the intimacy has just gone. I have been here before, only 7 years ago, and it seems this pattern just repeats.
I have inherited a small bit of money after my parents house was sold, we are hopefully heading out of lockdown at some point. I feel differently these days and want so much more than this. I feel terrible for thinking like that but if I stay with him I can't see a damn thing changing. He is either stubborn or in denial constantly, he defends himself when not being attacked, I have no idea if it is depression or whether we have simply outgrown each other.
Sorry for the length. This is an old problem (most of my adult life!!) and it is difficult to squeeze it all into a single OP).
Any thoughts and suggestions are truly welcome. Thanks:)