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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

Is this a red flag?

34 replies

Greylady38 · 27/03/2021 13:51

Hi all...I have been chatting to a man I used to have a bit of a crush on in school. We reconnected over Facebook.
I like him, and he seems really nice mostly. Except something is putting me right off.
Firstly, he sent a screenshot of my own face to me with hearts on it. Slightly creeped me out. Once when he asked me out, i was busy and couldn't make it. He sent a thumbs up and i could be wrong but I felt he wasnt suited. Prior to that he had sent multiple messages without an answer, I didnt get a chance.
Then now we chat a little, he asks me to meet for coffee. Before I had chance to respond, he sent a message asking if I thought he was ugly. I said no why would you say that. He said cos of the rejection before. Which wasn't even a rejection tbh.
I told him I felt it a strange thing to say...by this point he had put me off going for coffee.
I was honest and said I found it strange and off putting. I had to say something as he kept messaging. He was saying how we would get on as we're on the same page, hes only being forward because he likes me, then saying he'll back off, then saying I'm rude not to reply.
I had to put the phone down as I didn't know what to say.
My long term ex who I split with a year ago, was quite controlling etc and I dont know if I am now super vigilant. Is it me being flaky, or him? I just felt that now I dont want to meet him.
I replied apologizing if I seemed rude, but I'm now stressed out. He thanked me for my apology and wished me a good day.
Any advice here please?
Feel kinda awful about it all now.

OP posts:

Moooning · 27/03/2021 13:57

Oh God. No no no. You are falling into a trap, probably similar to the one you ended up in with your controlling ex. This is not normal, he sounds unstable and obsessive. He will make your life a misery if you let him in.

Do not meet him. End it and never respond again. Does he know where you live?

Original poster

Greylady38 · 27/03/2021 14:00

That's what I felt like too.
He doesn't know where I live luckily.
I found it strange how he kept messaging without even giving me a chance to respond.
I felt the old familiar stress coming on :(

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SandAndSea · 27/03/2021 14:00

He sounds quite troubled. I would definitely back away.

SandAndSea · 27/03/2021 14:01

I think your feelings are telling you all you need to know. Listen to them.

MrsBDarcy · 27/03/2021 14:01

If it feels wrong , it usually is. He's not for you

WouldBeGood · 27/03/2021 14:02

You’re not wrong. He sounds bonkers.

Block him and leave it at that.

Original poster

Greylady38 · 27/03/2021 14:03

Yeah, I cant risk getting involved with another who will harm my peace. I'm very protective of that now.
He was basically saying how I always do this, all he did was ask for coffee etc.
I would have gone, but the messages set alarm bells off.
The one asking if I think he is ugly is very strange isn't it

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WouldBeGood · 27/03/2021 14:08

Very strange! At least you’ve found out now, I suppose. And you can be pleased that notwithstanding your experience with your ex you’re instincts are good 😊

Moooning · 27/03/2021 14:09

It's good you're listening to those familiar alarm bells. That is your intuition telling you to get away. You don't owe him anything, remember that. Women in particular have been conditioned to succumb to feelings of obligation and guilt when it comes to men behaving this way. He wants you to 'feel bad'

Original poster

Greylady38 · 27/03/2021 14:12

Feel a bit gutted as I thought he might be nice.
Maybe finally a decent one. Cant risk obsessive behaviour though.
I'm very cautious these days.

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Original poster

Greylady38 · 27/03/2021 14:13

Theres a lot of them that way isn't there, it seems.

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WouldBeGood · 27/03/2021 14:14

It’s rubbish when these little excited hopes are dashed.

Get on some dating sites and just practise chatting to men casually. Seek advice here if you have doubts!

Ruminating2020 · 27/03/2021 14:15

He sounds very pushy and potentially very controlling. Already blaming you and making you out to be a bad person for not responding to going for coffee.
Turning nasty because you haven't said yes straight away is a sign of an abuser and it will only get worse if you allow him to bully you into a date.

Send him one last message to say after much consideration, you are not suited to each other and block.

Moooning · 27/03/2021 14:17

If he is in touch again I would end communication, perhaps say you've decided you're not ready or wiling to get involved at the moment, wish him well and leave it at that. The more you keep up contact the more it feeds his focus on you. You don't want to keep up any further contact. Be prepared for him to ramp it up or become a bit nasty or unstable, but don't give in to the stress by responding in the hope he will understand. He won't. Block him if need be.

Original poster

Greylady38 · 27/03/2021 14:19

I had a profile on Bumble but I just removed it. Feel a bit disheartened. To be honest I always liked him through school so that made it more exciting.
I'm glad you agree theres something off. After my ex I find it hard to trust my own judgment at times.
Really did feel pressured and hes literally chiding me about it.

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Original poster

Greylady38 · 27/03/2021 14:20

I have moved his messages to my spam inbox as I cant deal with any more of it.
So awkward. I'll block him eventually.

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LaBellina · 27/03/2021 14:22

Your gut feeling is trying to tell you something for a reason. Please don’t ignore it.

jelly79 · 27/03/2021 14:24

Protect your peace - I love that!

Alarm bells and if he is making you feel uncomfortable before meeting then it will get worse face to face!

Walk away lovely x

Original poster

Greylady38 · 27/03/2021 14:27

I know, I couldn't face meeting him after he had been like that.
The familiar old gut feeling:/
I'm definitely taking more notice of it these days

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Moooning · 27/03/2021 14:29

That's great grey lady, well done 🙂

I've been in a similar position in terms of starting to feel off a couple of times with men online, you start to feel like oh maybe I should just meet and see, maybe I should give him a chance, maybe get it over with... even though you're not sure any more at all.

I get it must be extra hard to get your ahead around it as you have a connection from school, but it sounds like you saw past that familiarity and played attention to your feelings. Not easy, and extra gutting, but I think you're showing a lot of self awareness and strength.

Regularsizedrudy · 27/03/2021 14:30

Jesus Christ. He sounds unhinged. It’s worrying that you can’t see how not normal he is.

Original poster

Greylady38 · 27/03/2021 14:39

Yeah, I'm glad I didn't meet him. I was tempted to see how it went but no the weird pushiness has put me right off.
I'm trying to recognize these things better, my last relationship was basically abusive so it is hard as what I'm used to is not normal.

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Eckhart · 27/03/2021 14:41

Except something is putting me right off

You need to understand that a red flag isn't somebody else's behaviour. It is your response to somebody's behaviour. There are obvious ones that cause the 'red flag' feeling in most people, like verbal abuse, violence etc, but there are many, many others that are personal to each of us. It's not flaky if you get the red flag feeling about anything at all. It is a definition of you, your sensitivities, your boundaries. Never ignore the red flag feeling It is a protective feeling for you, it will take care of you, it will keep you close to those who love you, and far from those who don't.

As an example, imagine if someone was dating a new person, and the new person texted them 10 times a day. Some people might love that. Other people would run a mile from it, having felt the red flag feeling because it's far to much contact for them. There is nothing wrong with texting 10 times a day, so the behaviour can't be described as a red flag. Do you see what I mean?

'Something is putting me right off' is a good definition of the red flag feeling. Stay away from people who make you feel this. That's wisdom, not flakiness. Don't judge your feelings. They are signposts, they are the only things that can guide you to an emotionally peaceful life. Don't treat them like irritations or inconveniences. You are looking for somebody who will not harm your peace, and yet have posted on a forum to ask strangers about whether you are being flaky to be put of by someone who is harming your peace. Have faith in your emotions. Listen to them. They are there to guide you.

Wanderlusto · 27/03/2021 14:43

A red flag? A? The dude is a fucking psychopath.

Original poster

Greylady38 · 27/03/2021 14:44

Thank you. That makes a lot of sense actually.
I know it's my gut telling me he wasn't good for me.

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