Hi everyone. I’m posting because I don’t want to talk to anyone I know about this and I’d be grateful for some advice. I’m a regular poster but I’ve name changed for this.
Me and DH have been together for ten years. We have a baby together, she’s about to turn one. Since having our DD, our relationship feels more like a friendship than a marriage, and I’m not sure how I move forwards. I want to make my marriage work, but I’m not sure I really understand the problem.
After DD was born, DH was fantastic. He took care of us both really well as I was recovering. He was the dad I knew he would be and the husband I knew and loved. As time went on, he struggled with limited sleep and he became less supportive. I would be surviving on a few hours’ sleep each night, and he would sleep the whole night and complain of being tired. He was quite a hands off parent for a few months. I was incredibly hurt. I felt completely abandoned and as if he was rejecting our DD, which had a massive impact on how I felt about him.
There are mitigating factors here that I should mention. DH is a doctor and has been at the frontest of front lines throughout the pandemic. He has seen some awful things. It has absolutely had an impact on him, his mental health, and his physical health. He caught Covid at one point and was very unwell. We were also doing a loft conversion which led to me and DD leaving to stay with my DB, and DH staying at home (hence the full nights while I was up all night). He did everything for the house project for a few months, on top of everything at work. But he pretty much left the parenting, and horrific sleepless nights, to me.
We were so disconnected that it got to the point where I felt so resentful I almost hated him. I couldn’t stand him. We were in a really bad place.
DD and I moved home and DH and I have had lots of hard conversations but have moved forwards. We are getting on like we used to. The loft is finished, and we are parenting much more equally. DD is also sleeping, thank god. DH is the father I thought he’d be and he is the kind, supportive husband that I remember him being.
The problem is, we’ve had sex once since DD was born. And I’m not sure that I really want to have sex with him again. I didn’t have the highest sex drive before I had a baby and then I had quite a bad birth injury which hasn’t helped. I kind of I kind of recoil when he tries to be affectionate to me as I’m worried about him wanting sex. I know this is horrible for him. I am not sure if this is about him or us or me.
I don’t feel like I really want to have sex at all. I feel small, disempowered, and ashamed/gross when I think about sex in general.
DH is not putting any pressure on me but I don’t want to be unfair to him. I don’t want him to be stuck with me if we can’t have all parts of a relationship. He didn’t sign up for a sexless marriage.
I don’t know if how I’m feeling is a reflection on everything we’ve been through this year? The birth? Becoming a mother? Or is it about how I feel about him? Do I just not fancy him now? My marriage is important to me and I really want to make it work.