Am i being selfish?

[ChampersGal80]

Hi there, i will make this as short and as to the point as i can. Am married with a 7 year old. Don't communicate with husband, never have really, because i don't feel supported. We have been through a lot, health, mental health, financial, loss of family issues etc. I am trying to get back to the happy person i was before i comfort ate and gained weight. My husband doesn't work, has Fibromyalgia and since i have been working from home see that he pretty much sits on his arse all day with his feet up and on his phone. Don't get me wrong, he sometimes will push a hoover about, and also does the school drops and pick ups but i just get very angry towards my husband, he can't even talk to me without me going on the defensive. He talks to me as though he is doing me a favour by doing stuff around the house. I sometimes can't stand to be around him. I know if i left/tried separation he would make me out to be the bad person and i am scared that he will be nasty and then there would definitely be no hope of a reconciliation once i see that side of him as i am the kind of person who if i break up with you thats it i am done with you. I just don't know! I feel trapped and i think that is what makes me so angry. Thank you.

Does he get disability benefits? If he’s too ill to work but manages to do school drop offs and picks up and some housework he’s not doing nothing. You feel unsupported and that’s fair enough enough. Did you ever communicate well? If so what triggered the change? You sound very unhappy.

Why do you want to stay with him?

Sounds like a difficult situation OP. My MIL has fibromyalgia and to someone seeing her she would look absolutely fine but the reality is after she's done some housework for the day, I'll go in and she'll be crippled for days afterwards. She was turned down for any kind of disability benefit etc so up until covid she was working part time but I seen the effect this had on her both physically and mentally, she was in constant pain and very depressed. She lost her job due to covid but luckily her partner is able to support them both. She does do a lot round the house but as I say she is then floored for days afterwards and you can see the struggle in her.

However, nobody should be in a relationship that is making them unhappy and you are of course allowed to be feeling the way that you do. It isn't an easy situation to live in. Don't feel guilty if you need to take a step back, if leaving is what is best for you then of course that doesn't make you selfish, it makes you human! Have a good think OP but if leaving is the best option then that's what you need to do

@AnneLovesGilbert thank you. No we get no financial support. I thankfully earn enough for bills etc. Talked a lot about everything as friends before we got together. Now though he acts like if he does anything he is doing me a favour and that i should be grateful he does anything. This has all been bubbling up for years as like i said we have struggled with lots of things and i feel it has pushed us apart. I personally just feel like a housemate/coparent. I appreciate your message, thanks.

@lou98 thank you. I have tried to understand Fibro and know he can be in a lot of pain and i even try to help him but he shuts me down and won'tdo anything to help himself. He also suffers from an impingment in both shoulders as well. His hygiene has got bad, he used to always smell so nice and when i suggest i will help him with a bath etc he says i am ok thanks. His smell puts me off him as well. I kept thinking maybe after this gets sorted it will get better and i have been telling myself that for years and nothing has changed. I just need to mentally prepare myself as i know i will have to fight to justify why we need time apart. But i am just scared that he will be so nasty. Thank you.

Does he ever plan to work again? It’s good you can cover the bills but maybe he could do something from home. The last year has shown how much potential there is for home working and it would give him a focus and something else to fill the time. When was he last in work?

How would you feel about trying couples counselling, do you think he’d be open to it? Do you think you’d benefit from talking to someone yourself to help you work out where you are and where you’re headed and what changes you could make? You sound is such a slump and I really feel for you.

I know if i left/tried separation he would make me out to be the bad person...

Honestly, do you really care? You have no control over his perception or reaction, but you do have control as to how you're going to spend the rest of your life. Your marriage is pointless, utterly miserable, and a horrible example to set for your child. Rip the plaster off, move on, and start fresh. Life is too short to squander it away in an unhappy marriage.

Are you sure he has fibro? I ask because he is going against the advice of what he should be doing to mimimise the effects of this debilitating condition. He should be doing some exercise, sitting around on his lazy arse all day is unacceptable. Why would you support him when he is doing nothing to help himself? Hot showers/Epsom salt baths are good also. He is creating a lot of stress which is considered a high contributing factor of fibro. Get rid of him. He is enjoying the free ride and contributes very little to your life.

Oh god, he's awful. I wouldn't think twice about moving out and I wouldn't tell him until near to the time. Everything about him is so depressing.

What's your housing situation like? Do you rent or have you got a mortgage?