Ugly

[yuccaplant]

I've been in a verbally and physically abusive relationship in the past. DP is well aware of this and I have confided in him things that were said/done to me. These things still bother me now even though I know I should let it go.

DP is generally caring/kind/understanding and attentive. But every now and then he will say something that's hurtful to me then pass it off as a 'joke' his latest remark was "give me a kiss ugly" no smile on his face when he said it and no hint it was a joke. I get maybe I am bad at reading situations and he was joking but I also don't think it's very nice either. It makes me see red flags when he makes such comments but I can't figure out if I am just being over sensitive either.

Another example is knowing I need to lose some weight and me saying to him how unhappy my weight gain has made me. I heard him say to one of the DC when we were talking about height and I thought as I got older I was getting smaller. DPs comment was I'm just getting wider not smaller.

Maybe this thread should be in AIBU? I can't decide if I am being too over sensible or if I have the right to be annoyed at his 'jokes'

"I can't decide if I am being too over sensible or if I have the right to be annoyed at his 'jokes'"

You have the right to feel your feelings especially given your history.

It may do well to explain to your partner and your children - (as this is a great learning opportunity for little ones) that disparaging remarks about people's personal appearance are in fact not jokes but insulting and hurtful.

It would do well for you also to stop sharing your insecurities with people who then turn round and use them as entertainment, even if it is your partner. Perhaps speak more about the things you do well and are happy with and save the rest for someone you can trust.

The only thing you need to take notice of is the red flag feeling. Don't judge your feelings as right or wrong, good or bad, reasonable or unreasonable. Just look at your feelings, enjoy the good ones, and when you bad one, find a way of making sure it doesn't happen again. This is applicable to all areas of life, not just your relationship(s)

With regard to relationships, the only thing you need to make sure of is that when you tell your partner you feel bad, they want to find a way to help you feel better. Regardless of whether they caused the bad feeling or not. So, if you are met with defense ('I haven't done anything wrong/I was joking'), attack ('You can't take a joke/you're too sensitive), or denial ('That's not what I said/You don't understand me'), then you are looking at an unsupportive partner. Obviously we all have our moments, but if you start spotting patterns, you need to take action.

Don't invalidate your feelings. You are the right level of sensitive for you. You are more sensitive than some people, and less sensitive than others. THERE ARE NO RULES, and if somebody (including you) tells you you are too sensitive, ask them how come they know the rules about this, and have the right to tell you how sensitive to be. What they are saying is 'You are too sensitive for my liking'. That's an opinion. You can disagree. You are allowed to have any feelings you like.

Do you tell him you're hurt when he makes these little remarks?

Thankyou both you are both right in what you say.

I do speak up when something has been said that I think is out of order or not funny and usually he is pretty understanding and seems to genuinely mean no malice by it but half of the time I just don't understand why anyone would say things that are hurtful even in jest.

I do know I am quite over sensitive I always have been and @Eckhart you are right who is too say how sensitive or not I should be just in the same way I shouldn't expect people to have the same feelings that I do.

Your high sensitivity will have another side, too, because you will have what it takes to be a wonderfully sensitive partner/friend/family member; sensitive to other people's feelings. Also, you will be able to pick up on subtle hints of unpleasantness (and pleasantness) in people that others would miss.

www.verywellmind.com/highly-sensitive-persons-traits-that-create-more-stress-4126393

Does that article ring any bells? There's nothing wrong with being sensitive. It's like a superpower. But, like with flying, you have to be careful not to hit buildings! I'm sensitive too. But these days I don't see it as a disability, and if anybody doesn't respect my feelings, they need to... well, go away. To put in nicely

That article resonated with me a lot. I'm definitely a HSP! Thankyou for Sharing it with me.

Even joking, that's pretty offensive/derogatory.

Suggest you reply with something offensive like "sure thing shorty/fatty/small-dick" and see how much he continues such "banter".

@MarshmallowAra

Even joking, that's pretty offensive/derogatory.

Suggest you reply with something offensive like "sure thing shorty/fatty/small-dick" and see how much he continues such "banter".

It was on the tip of my tongue to reply with something along those lines.

How long have you and this man been together?. This is unacceptable behaviour from him and now he is dragging your children into this debate re your appearance as well. He is using your appearance as a way to pull you down further. Its another form of bullying to big up his own inadequate self at your expense.

Your boundaries, already skewed by previous abuse, are being further got at and eroded by this man. I would have a long and hard think about whether this is a relationship you wish to remain in. If a friend was telling you all this what would be your counsel to her?.

@AttilaTheMeerkat

How long have you and this man been together?. This is unacceptable behaviour from him and now he is dragging your children into this debate re your appearance as well. He is using your appearance as a way to pull you down further. Its another form of bullying to big up his own inadequate self at your expense.

Your boundaries, already skewed by previous abuse, are being further got at and eroded by this man. I would have a long and hard think about whether this is a relationship you wish to remain in. If a friend was telling you all this what would be your counsel to her?.

If it was a friend telling me this I would probably tell her to tell him to pack a bag and ship out.

I honestly don't think he meant it nastily I just don't get why you would say to your partner who you claim to love etc that phrase.

You may want to think that he does not mean it nastily but he most likely means every word. You are not there for entertainment value and such language is unacceptable; its designed to hurt. What other intention would it serve?. Your children could also repeat what he has said to you as well.

I would seriously consider the advice you would give a friend in this situation.

@AttilaTheMeerkat I totally agree with you. Apparently he meant quite the opposite. So why not just say the opposite then instead of making me feel like dirt. I honestly do not understand it.

It could be that he just lacks the emotional intelligence to realise its hurtful. Tell him, and if it stops you'll know this was the issue.
If he carries on after he's been told, then he's doing it deliberately. Most likely to keep you in your place because he is insecure and doesn't want you to know how amazing you are in case you decide you could do better.

@5128gap

It could be that he just lacks the emotional intelligence to realise its hurtful. Tell him, and if it stops you'll know this was the issue. If he carries on after he's been told, then he's doing it deliberately. Most likely to keep you in your place because he is insecure and doesn't want you to know how amazing you are in case you decide you could do better.

Maybe. He is very intelligent and I often feel a belittled at times as it is. I think he definitely lacks emotional intelligence though.

@yuccaplant

That article resonated with me a lot. I'm definitely a HSP! Thankyou for Sharing it with me.

I've found since I discovered that this was a 'recognised' thing that all the people I have good relationships are also HSP. There's no other way, really. People who aren't just don't seem to get it. It's the emotional equivalent of trying to have a detailed conversation with somebody who only know how to grunt. They don't understand the nuances, and I don't understand how they don't understand what's so bleedin' obvious to me!

@Eckhart you are completely right.
It's kind of made me feel like what's the point in trying to explain myself though? He's unlikely to see any wrong doing in what he said.

Unfortunately though it's making me question a lot of things. I went through hell with my ExP mentally, verbally and physically. Now I'm wondering if the 'funny' put downs are the start.

I would concentrate less on what it means ('is he starting to be abusive?' 'Is he just making a joke?') and more on how it actually makes you feel. The former are guesses and interpretations. The latter is your truth. Your emotional response to how he speaks to you. Your emotional reality.

In truth, if it hurts you, it doesn't matter if it was a genuine joke. Because that joke hurt.

If you make a joke and accidentally hurt someone, how would you respond? I'd bet my last penny that you'd be sorry, very apologetic, and you'd endeavour to never hurt them like that again. Can you imagine what sort of person you'd have to be to say 'God, you're so sensitive, it was a joke!'

What is he like when you tell him he hurt you? You say he is 'understanding' - what does that actually mean? Is he alarmed that he's hurt you? Does he promise he won't make those sort of jokes in the future? Or does he say 'Yeah, I can see why you'd think that, but actually I didn't do anything wrong.'?

Regardless of whether anyone is highly sensitive or not, I would have thought it would be a minimum level of good manners and consideration for anyone one meets to not make nasty, personally hurtful remarks let alone to those who are supposed to be your nearest and dearest. Does he say such thing to his boss or anyone he wants to impress or receive a favour from? So he can apply what ever level of intelligence to that kind of relationship but not to you. Why?

It seems you feel obliged to make excuses for your partner does that not tell you his behaviour is simply wrong. If there is no fault there needs be no excuse. I am afraid your children have already been shown that being nasty is OK as long as you pretend it's a joke. You know it is not Ok because you would not do it. It is a shame your forgiving nature is being taken advantage of. Also if you are not laughing it's not funny.