Wants a mortgage, but no sex or affection?!

[J1982828]

Help... been on and off seven years, he’s cheated previously then brought a house without me. We’ve been living together in his house the past year and in that time had sex what 3 times that’s if I’m lucky? I cry my eyes out to him and he doesn’t seem to care yet wants a house together? I love him so much but at breaking point.

He’s told me previously he’s had a problem, so we went doctors. I went with him. He had blood tests and everything done. The doctor said all okay seems normal and prescribed viagra. Said could just be psychological. Still does nothing with me, doesn’t take the viagra or ini-ate anything.

I feel so neglected and hurt. When I bring up why he won’t sleep with me, he shuts me down instantly. I get blunt answers like ‘I dunno do I’ and ‘I’ve got work don’t wanna talk’
Advice :(

Don't buy a house with him

Leave him, there is no other option.

Op, it no longer matters why. You are an income to allow him to have the house he wants, that's all.

You aren't happy, he contributes nothing emotionally, there is no relationship.

You have a couple of weeks before lockdown ends. Get organised, plan now, ask for help from family or friends and leave. Restart your life Good luck.

@J1982828

Good question. I don’t even know. I fell in love with his old ways, think I’m still holding on to the memories and what we was

I say this with kindness but you are "in love" with a fantasy. What you had has gone. Please please look at the here and now. He doesn't deserve your love; you however deserve to find real love starting with loving yourself.

Bloody hell, J198, what a life . From what you've said it doesn't sound like he has any respect for you at all. How is he in other aspects of your relationship?

Things won't magically improve.
He doesn't want to be seen with you, he won't have sex with you, he had an affair- this is all adding up to a disasterous relationship for you.
A lot of contempt and rejection coming from his side and now wanting to tie you in to a mortgage, probably to benifit him somehow-? a bigger house? a chance to use some money of yours?
I can only see his behaviour getting worse if you stay with him.
In th nicest possible way, I don't think you do love him anymore, it's just a disctant memory, I think you are telling yourself that to justify staying and putting up with the situation, like the boiled frog, it's just easier to stay put as he has eroded your boundries of what to expect in a normal relationship.

Please pick yourself up, move on, and get some help for why you fee it’s ok to be treated this way. You deserve more.

What do you love about him?

LTB. He won't change, you deserve better. You may love him, but you need to love yourself more and leave a situation that is destroying your self esteem, self confidence and making you feel worthless.

Dump him. He has no respect for you at all. You shouldn't have to beg for anything.
To think about the trappings of a joint mortgage suggests you have an income and savings. Use this to leave and become free of him. And maybe have a look at the freedom programme

You don't love him.
You take comfort in "at least I'm not alone"
Put together a plan

You’re not happy. How long do you want to be unhappy for?

Don't you think it's time to take responsibility for your own life and your own happiness?

"But I love him" isn't enough. Stop wasting your life on a man who has nothing to offer you and a relationship that makes you miserable.

End things, end all contact with him and move on with life. There are loads of men out there.

Have you heard of the sunken costs fallacy? It’s when you keep investing in a relationship because you have put so much into it even if you know it won’t work or fix it.

You will feel a lot better when you leave him.

He’s using your money and you’re convenient, but he doesn’t love you. Sorry to put it so directly.

Work on leaving, quietly so he doesn’t know. You deserve a good life with love and affection. You won’t get it from being with him.

Another vote for the Freedom Programme here. And coming back here for support.

Why does he want you there? Do you do the housework and cook his tea? Help him pay his mortgage off?
Funny how he managed to use his penis perfectly well when having an affair.

This man doesn't love you. He doesn't even like you! Leave and get some help with your self esteem before he destroys you.

PP was right, you are in love with a fantasy.

He’s using you OP, it doesn’t sound like he even likes you.

Frankly love is overrated. It’s sold as the only thing you need in a relationship, but what about respect, kindness, empathy, loyalty etc?

Things won't change unless you make it change. He's shown that he's detached from the relationship by his actions, so you need to do the same.
There is no point clinging on for any scraps he's willing to throw you.

Many relationships end for all sorts of reasons. Don't let it erode your self confidence. This one hasn't worked out, but the next one might.

Definitely do not buy a house with him.
Leave before you end up doing that and worse what will naturally follow: marriage and kids. It will be the worse mistake of your life. Your relationship is zero now and he doesn't respect you that's clear from the little you've said. It's convenient for him that's all.

I'm speaking from experience, if I were you with no kids, if be gone tomorrow. I'm in a similar situation to you but I'm married and have small DC. Make your life simpler not more complicated whilst you can.

Get out of that relationship - it’ll destroy you if you stay!