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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

He left me

18 replies

Sagittarius12 · 26/03/2021 20:46

I have been seeing a guy for around 4 months now, stayed with him every weekend and had an amazing time. We never argue, we always get on well. He phones me everyday before or after work and we speak every day (not all day). After an amazing weekend 2 weeks ago I randomly received a text on the Monday morning saying he didn’t want to see me anymore as he needed to work on himself and be alone, he said he had a great few months and I’m a great person.

I literally haven’t stopped crying in 2 weeks, it’s all I can think about from the moment I wake up until I go to sleep. He said it’s nothing to do with me or anything I’ve said or done. I’m so confused I just don’t understand. It’s not like I was too full on, it was more him than me. I didn’t ever stop him doing things and he has all week to be alone as we only see eachother at weekends. I’m genuinely devastated and miss him so much. Nobody I’ve told (mum, sister and friends) understand what’s going on in his head. My mum thinks he’ll eventually come round but I’m not waiting around. Just feel so sad, don’t know how to get passed this. Any advice would be appreciated

OP posts:

Wannafly · 26/03/2021 20:55

Sorry you're hurting op. Be kind to yourself. These things happen.

And in all fairness, it does seem a little intense for a four months thing. Especially to still be all broken up about it a fortnight later.

Was it the first nice thing in a while?

It sounds like he was just treating it as some nice company over lockdown. The fact is that atm, its difficult to tell if that's what any new relationship is.

Men come and go throughout life. This one wasn't a keeper. Pick yourself up and dust yourself off.

Maybe you could give yourself a fixed time limit to wallow. Eg: ok, fir the next 48 hours I'm going to pig out on cookie dough and icecream and have a good old cry and then that's it, no more wallowing!

Original poster

Sagittarius12 · 26/03/2021 21:01

Yeah first guy I’ve been with since my ex a year ago, who cheated, lied and then got another girl pregnant while we were still together.

I would never normally be this upset over it but as you said - it was intense for a 4 month thing. Which makes it feel like we’ve been together for longer, not to mention we spoke for months before meeting.

I think you’re right, I’m going to set myself another couple of days to be upset then I’m not thinking about it anymore. Thanks for the (slightly harsh but true!) advice! I agree with it x

OP posts:

Alcemeg · 26/03/2021 23:13

Was he suddenly dumped by his previous partner?

If so, he might be scared of getting involved with someone again just yet.

Parkerwhereareyou · 26/03/2021 23:21

Aw sorry, OP, that's hard, especially after what happened with that bf. :(

But look. Everything good has to be a two-way street. A person can only be there because it works for them. It's not nice to be left with unanswered questions - nobody likes that. But you just have to distance yourself from him and keep reminding yourself that it didn't work and you will find someone with whom it does.

Because there are soooooo many people out here. Just tell yourself to be patient, persevere and have faith. You'll stumble into them, or they'll find you, one day. I hope that happens very soon for you 💐

Workinghardeveryday · 26/03/2021 23:27

Hun, you sound really lovely. He doesn’t deserve you!!
He isn’t ‘the one’. Just try to accept it was great while it lasted, helped you get over your ex and see happiness is out there - but it’s not him!
You can do way better, Mr Right is around the corner. Forget about this man!! Think about it, if he was so amazing and lovely, why would he do that? He’s not amazing and lovely!!
Like I said, you can do so much better!!! Xx

MarieDelaere · 26/03/2021 23:34

Does he have a recent Ex by any chance?

BehindMyEyes · 26/03/2021 23:52

It's hit you hard because you had allowed yourself some hope again and it's making you feel that original loss all over again and even worse. The good thing to remember is that this shows that you can feel again and you won't let yourself be a victim of your previous ex. You will meet someone else . Things have a way of working out for the best.

Happycat1212 · 27/03/2021 01:38

Sounds like he was multi dating and met someone else he liked better, it’s happens

Original poster

Sagittarius12 · 27/03/2021 04:38

Thank you everyone for your kind comments his ex before me he was with for a long time and they only split up a year ago - I think he’s scared to get involved with anyone else and I also think there is some mental health issues there but you can’t help someone who doesn’t want help.

Not possible for him to have been seeing someone else - that was obviously one of my first thoughts as well. He works everyday and when he’s not at work we normally speak on the phone or FaceTime at nights and I’m with him all weekend. Wouldn’t be any time

OP posts:

Alcemeg · 27/03/2021 10:25

Normally I would warn you off like the other posters, but it is possible he is trying not to repeat the hurt/rejection he has experienced so recently. It sounds as though he just isn't ready for a full-on relationship and didn't realise that's what he was getting into, but things have developed quickly for you both.

You saying "We never argue, we always get on well" makes me think this relationship has a lot of potential, but he is scared of that right now and may even be trying to protect you (as well as him) in advance from the hurt that he might just assume is inevitable further down the road.

This happened with me and my now-husband (not to give you hopes!). What I said to him was "It's like chopping off your head because you're worried about dying one day" and we agreed to just try and relax and take it easy and accept it was going nowhere. Haha.

Original poster

Sagittarius12 · 27/03/2021 10:46

Thank you for your message @Alcemeg I am just so confused by it all. Everyone I’ve spoke to is totally bamboozled by it. Especially the fact it was him making all the effort and phoning and texting me. I didn’t mind but I was deliberately trying to play it cool not to scare him off, then that happened. Other people could pick up the fact he was really into me as well and even commented on it, just doesn’t make sense. Normally I would get some sort of vibe/feeling if someone wasn’t in to me.

I’m genuinely happy for you that things worked out and your story gives me hope. Although, I’m going to focus on building on my own life right now and maybe by the time he comes round/if he ever does come round, it might be too late for me anyway. Thanks for posting xx

OP posts:

Alcemeg · 27/03/2021 10:52

@Sagittarius12 That sounds like your best plan. Good luck! X

MarieDelaere · 27/03/2021 11:10

It might be possible also that he's got back in touch with, or even back together with, his Ex. I'm not sure how you'd rule that in or out though, without looking online and upsetting yourself further.

You need to detach from this, not get further embroiled.

He's obviously got his own reason for behaving like this (which is very poorly, imho), but you don't really know much about him and his life (just what he's told you?).

Anyway I'm glad you say you're going to be moving on now.

Original poster

Sagittarius12 · 27/03/2021 11:19

Thanks for your message I have considered that as a possibility as I have with everything else however I think it’s highly unlikely.

If that is the case, I’ll probably never know anyway as he doesn’t post on social media or broadcast his life.

OP posts:

MariposaLilly · 27/03/2021 14:06

Just a thought;

You said you were playing it cool and he was into you. Maybe he felt you weren't into him and that's why he had to work on himself because he was the problem? I'd reach out to him. Maybe send him flowers. What have you got to lose.

Doingitaloneandproud · 27/03/2021 14:21

My ex did similar to me after 6 months, he too had a previous long term relationship only ending a year or so prior. Turns out since that relationship he enjoys meeting women, an intense relationship and then leaving them with no answers. My dad is friends with his uncle so he told me that about him after he'd left me.
I was devastated at the time, I couldn't get my head around it for a while, but now, a year on nearly, I look back at it as the biggest blessing! If someone loves you properly they wouldn't behave like this. Don't chase him whatever you do, you deserve better than to chase for someone's attention.
I promise, you will feel better

litterbird · 27/03/2021 18:09

Oh I am so sorry for this. I dont know what is in the water at the moment but this has happened to two of my friends. One after 3 months, one after 4 months. Exactly the same scenario. They were devastated. What both of them have done though is try and move on without thinking "just give him space, he will be back". Neither of the men have returned after several months apart. The ladies are picking up the pieces. Interestingly both said that the man was the one bombarding them with interest and they both played it cool. I think it was the love bombing scenario...as soon as the ladies dropped their guard and started to fall for them the blokes buggered off. Very weird situation.

Original poster

Sagittarius12 · 27/03/2021 20:13

Thanks for your message I am considering

OP posts:

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