DH working away from home a few nights a week?

[Echobelly]

DH has been offered a contract 12 months+ , 3 days a week. He's just found out he will be expected on site, in another city, on those days so he will be away 2 nights a week (he'll only take it if they will pay expenses for that). So I'm interested in people's experience of partners doing that.

It's a great opportunity and will amount to 6 figures annually for a pt role.

For context, married 14 years, kids are 9 and 12 so I don't need masses of help with them anymore, but may need some after school childcare if I start going back to the office during this time. We're quite independent of one another and have never felt the need to do everything together. He is fully prepared to (and has in the past) leave a contract if it isn't working out.

We’ve done it on and off over the years and found it fine if childcare is watertight.

I worked away from home 2-3 nights a week for 15 years.

I hated it really, but had to do it financially. It just became what I did. I went out for dinner with my work colleagues, had a laugh with them. We used to have evenings out to local attractions in the summer.

What is it you are worried about?

I worked away several nights a week from when I had my daughter (now 23). You just organise yourself more. Get help when needed. I used an after school club to pick my daughter up if her dad couldn't and it worked really well. On the school holidays I used holiday clubs too. Google what is around you or chat to mums at school, they maybe able to help too. Is there anything else you are concerned about? Its only a couple of nights a week.

Personally, I think it's fine if you talk about it and are both happy with it. If it's short term, it won't be forever if the opportunity is right. If he's only working 3 days a week, it means he'll be hands on the other 4 days and presumably the main caregiver on those other days that you're working.

For context, I have a career that takes me away 3 days a week. In the past, I commuted up and back every day (6am-7/8pm). The other 2 days I worked from home. Dh did everything on those 3 days and I did everything the other 2 days (and then we were both home on the weekends obviously). In the future, I'll probably be in the office less, but it will still mean probably 3 days every other week. I'll stay away those days (which I have to pay for, not my employer). It works fine. It means I can focus on work those days and dh gets lots of quality time with the dh. When I'm home, he gets more time to focus on work and I do more of the school runs. The alternative would be I gave up my career as work in my field doesn't exist where I live (I work in clinical research on a disease that only has a few research centres in the UK, dh doesn't want to live any of those places full time and nor do). It has worked well for us in the past. The advantage you have is that it's only short term. If you decide it's a long term option, you could always discuss moving closer if it doesn't work. But fundamentally you have to both be supportive of the decision.

It’s fine, my husband was armed forces so away a lot longer, I then used to travel over seas in my role, usually about three nights a week. Jist sort out after school and holiday care for when neither of you are available.

I would like it. A few nights peace and quiet to do as I pleased at home.

Not really, just wondering about people's experiences and if there's anything I haven't thought of.

I suppose we both have dad who worked abroad for periods when we were kids (so obviously much longer stretches) and both experienced them often being in a foul mood around times they left or came back from that work, so I wondered if there might tend to be grumpiness when at home.

TBH, I kind of like the idea to have two nights to just potter about and only have myself to think about.

Childcare-wise we did have au pairs before, but it sounds like it'll be almost impossible to get one now - a shame, as it'd be a great solution under circs.

NB, I sort out all the childcare and all the holiday care anyway, so there would really be no difference there.

DD walks herself to and from school, DS is going to start walking home with a friend who lives on our street after the holidays. Childcare needs are relatively light now fortunately - it might be a matter of having someone in to clean house and keep an eye on kids when they're home.

We did it for a year, will probably do it again at some point. I don't mind it. I do all school runs, tea time, baths etc anyway because he works till about 6. The evenings can get a bit lonely but I watched stuff he wouldn't like, did some crafty bits and did some training courses. I found a good routine.

Hi echobelly, I've noticed you around, Echobelly were the first band I every went to see live! I feel very grown up! My kids are 7 and 9. My DH worked away before they were born and I've been thinking recently they are now of an age where I'd be ok if he worked away again. He had done bits and pieces of working away but not consistently.
Mine go to a childminder when I'm at work, but my work is really not suitable for children to be exposed to (think child protection or drugs worker, that kind of area).
Having him work away works fine, and is nowhere near 6 figures. With 6 figures you can afford childcare while you are also working! (I did just tell mine that if he gets another promotion I'm reducing my hours, but I'm really not loving work during Covid!)

In normal times, DH and I both travel for work (never at the same time) and its been fine for 20 years. We both do house/life admin remotely when away and its just part of our lives really - duplicate wash kits, travel 'stuff' so you don't need to pack everything up each time

Oh yes on 6 figures he can afford a cleaner to pick up his slack! I really struggle with the idea of someone cleaning my house but if you don't have hangups it is a great idea! I could rationalise it as someone doing his share, I couldn't cope with them doing my share!
Don't get an au pair, that's ruining your peace and quiet! (obviously ignore that if it doesn't resonant!)

You might enjoy the evenings to yourself. For many years I didn't have dh home Monday to Friday and he slept a lot sat morning. A few days and then part time work is a lot better.

It's not the best but for a year at that level of salary at this time it would be stupid to turn it down. With so much economic uncertainty, it's a small sacrifice

Due to Covid my partner has had to do this for work for the past 9months. He does 4 days, so three nights, about 4 hours away.

In some respects it's nice to have time to myself, but also a bit lonely to be honest; especially with lockdown going on.

The main point that I hadn't considered is that when you are the only adult at home most of the week you do end up taking on more of the mental load of household admin and that's quite tedious. He's hands on with household chores on the weekend etc. But I do all the meal planning, keeping an eye on the electricity meter, sorting out the big shop etc. Becuase it's me who benefits from those things 4 days out of 7. I've lived on my own before so it's not alien to me, but it is quite annoying when you go from doing everything as a team!

In some ways it's a good thing for this that he's not so hands on - I mean, he tends to have spates of doing loads of stuff rather than doing a bit every day, and I do all of the admin, as he works longer hours and more stressful work than me, so i don't really mind.

Past au pairs haven't been very much of an imposition - we were honest with them that we wanted APs who had friends/contacts in London and could do their own thing rather than a being totally part of the family and doing everything with us. I will think about fixing up the spare room (there is some wall damage due to a roof leak) so that's an option.

My husband worked away 90-120 nights a year from the get go. When he was at home he was still out early/back late, so the kids were my responsibility (I worked until I had my second). It was his job so nothing we could do to change that. He didn't get grumpy - he loved being at home, but he was a very ambitious man.
I am his second wife. I don't think his first quite had the same view as me; his work was very established by the time I met him, whereas she knew him from university years so his work only increased and increased and she resented it.
I'm happy on my own and while I did feel a bit like a single mum at times, he paid for everything and would not have been happy in a less demanding role.
Sadly he passed away from a sudden heart attack when kids were 4 and 6.

2 nights a week wouldn't faze me at all but I'm used to DH bring away mon-fri most weeks so would be an improvement for me I do think you have to work a bit harder at keeping your connection if you're apart for part of the week, it's easy to slip into such separate roles you can struggle a bit to reconnect, less of an issue with 2 days a week than 5 though as you'll be together more than you're apart. I think as long as you're conscious of that so you catch it early if it does happen and the practicalities are doable I'd at least give it a go in your circumstances though.

Midlifephoenix, sorry for your loss,

I think it sounds fine, especially as your DC are not as young now.
My DH works nights and no offence to him but I think it's be easier if he actually worked away overnight, the tiptoeing round the house with two young kids is a nightmare!
You can have a bit of 'me' time as well, full control of the TV remote and the bed to yourself!

I'd love it tbh. I like
Time to myself and with older children there's not a huge amount of extra responsibility to take on.
Just think of all the lovely solo meals you can eat and early nights watching your choice of tv.

Thanks all.

May be a false 'alarm', as having thought more on it, he thinks he might take a different contract a friend has offered - slightly less money, but only occasional overnights, and he's concerned the two nights away one might be a bit ambiguous about IR35 status.

We have vaguely talked about the possibility before as he's applied for roles that involve time away, but this is the closest he's come to taking one up.

It kind of sounds like my co-parenting set up! My point being that many of us do it anyway in different circumstances.

Pre-separation I would have enjoyed the space (maybe that's why I'm separated!).