Why isn't my dad interested in me? I don't understand

[TangerineCandyfloss]

Hi,

So I was going to put this in AIBU, but I know I'm not really. Who wouldn't be upset in this situation?

Bit of background, always had a bit of a tricky relationship with my dad growing up. He was always physically there, but emotionally quite distant and I resented that. He never did anything separately with me, never really spoke to me and when he did, it felt awkward and uncomfortable. Holidays and Christmases were slightly better, but general day to day life - I might as well have been invisible.

I always felt/feel loved, so have tried to tell myself that that's all that matters, but the older I get, the more it hurts and I don't think it's quite that simple anymore.

He never calls me. If I call, he puts me straight on to my mum, once he's gone through the pleasantries in record time. Honestly, it feels like as long as he knows I'm alive, that's enough.

I've mentioned this to my mum a couple of times recently and said that it just feels like he's not interested in me at all and she just agreed. I was genuinely shocked. I thought she'd at least try to reassure me, even if it wasn't 100% true, but to actually hear her say that no, he isn't really interested in me, bloody hurt!

He does have a history of depression which I have really tried to help him with after years - decades of denial. I also suffer with depression and anxiety,
so can see it coming a mile off.

He was poorly recently and I was calling every day to see how he was, but found myself just asking through my mum. He doesn't want to talk to me. It's that simple.

I do take into account the depression, but he talks to other people. He shows interest and can engage perfectly well. Even my abusive ex...who he took for breakfast

Because of his depression and because he seems to be in a good place right now, I don't want to rock the boat and bring him back down, by bringing it up with him.

He has so much anger in him. An alarming amount and whenever I've had a rant to my mum about this, I can tell she's told him because the next time I see him, he just glares at me and there is a genuine look of hatred.

I don't know what to do. Can I do anything?

TIA

Ime of disappointing df's it is because seeing us reminds them they are, well a disappointment...
Imo it is as simple as that...

@Easterbunnygettingready, there is definitely self resentment there. A lot. This tends to come out after a lot of drink.

It´s not you, OP, it wouldn´t matter how smart, beautiful, loving or rich you were, he hasn´t got in him to give of himself. And also, he knows he can get away with the bare minimum because you´re his daughter. Anyone else would send him to hell, so he makes more of an effort, but not much. He knows he is a disappointment. I would relax, that´s who he is and you´re not going to change him.

Do you have siblings? If so, how is he with them?

Might be that he actually doesn't really care about anyone but feels he has to put on a show, but with you he thinks he doesn't have to because you're his kid. That's why he might be angry about you figuring it out - because he might have to try.

My Dad was a bit like this and it's very hurtful. He would literally time me on the phone,.and grab the phone off my Mum , once he thought it had been long enough. Tell me to ring first before l showed up at house, but never made this point to my two sisters who turned up for a cup of tea when ever. When l did visit he would often be out in garden, no interest, or if he was in the house start picking my coat and bag up after about 30 mins, as if to shoo me off. he was useless with my two sons, zero interest, made to feel they were a nuisance.
He has since died and l feel guilty that l don't miss him.
We never had the relationship l would have liked.
I put it down to his own mother abandoning him in the hospital to be adopted shortly after his birth. l am sure it affected him very deeply, even though he always said he loved his adopted family.
It's very sad, and l feel for you.

I dunno but it may be a sign of guilt,he probably knows he hasn’t done right by you and feels bad. But of coarse I don’t know if he’s arrogant or placid or what,but this’d be my guess but what ever his reasons,it isn’t your fault,his issu s are his issues babe,let it go honey and you’ll probably be surprised down the line,when you least expect it..Good luck to you honey!!!❤️😊

@SVRT19674, yes, I'm sure he does feel like a disappointment. Well I know he does really. I know this sounds crazy, but when he was suffering with depression recently, I was worried that he was really internalising the hate from bits I'd picked up and I even said to my mum that if he wants to talk to me about it, get any guilt off his chest, I would forgive all that and would draw a line under it, for the sake of his mental health. I was willing to do that and she said that she'd actually suggested that he talks to me for this reason and he said he wanted to, but then... nothing, which then leads me to believe maybe he doesn't really care and maybe I shouldn't be so forgiving anyway.

@Justcallmebebes, yes and they had a different relationship. Although they kind of just accepted this was how they were, but since growing up and having their own dc, now struggles with it too. So overall, no, I don't think it's personal.

@CorianderBee, I really hope not.

I don't know but how confusing.

@Moonface123, I'm sorry. That's really sad.

Thank you @CaPolIz65

I think the only way you'll find out tbh is if you ask him

I think you need to learn to accept that he will never be the father you want him to be.

I also have this sort of relationship with my own Dad where if I rang he would automatically say hang on I'll get your Mum. Except my Dad also does shitty comments to get a laugh from the room, or just himself but at my expense. Hysterically, he isn't the be all and end all himself. As children we have much more successful lives than he ever had.

But you know what, I don't have to talk to him, I am incredibly low contact. I see him maybe twice a year at my sister's house. She can deal with all his crap, she just ignores all his shitty remarks. I decided I didn't want that kind of person in my life but then I don't live on his doorstep like my sister does.

Sometimes we have to accept that people aren't who we want them to be. My Mum was fantastic, sadly she died 10 years ago. I have more fun conversations on the phone with my FIL than my own Dad. We have a good laugh and it is enough.

Tangerine that’s tough on you.
How does he relate to your mother and has she never called him out on it.
I’m wondering if he has an issue with women.
He may struggle to relate to them.
It’s not you - it’s him - I would stop trying really. Save your energy.
Has how he treated you affected the way you relate to men?
If he’s depressed is he taking medication.
Does he treat anyone else the way he treats you.
I’d think about low contact really. It’s not on and I’m thinking you are making too many allowances for him.
💐

Its not you, its him. Your mother has further enabled him (what were hers and your dad's childhoods like, do you know anything about this?) and has also failed you by failing to protect you from him. She gets what she wants out of her relationship with her H and so will likely never leave him.

You will need to grieve for the relationship you should have had rather than the one you actually got. You're also going to have to let go of any and all hopes that he (and for that matter your mother also) are going to change and or say sorry. Such people never apologise nor accept any responsibility for their actions.

I am wondering how much of his behaviour towards you is due to him being abusive as opposed to he being depressed. Abusive men are depressed because they are angry, not because they are depressed. Such men too hate women, ALL of them.

Is he your biological father and if so what age was he went your were born? did he want children then etc? My MIL is quite like this but she has openly said she didn't really want children.

It is hurtful OP, my father was the same. The problem is with him and not with you.

Mine had lots of hobbies and only really liked to talk about things that interested him. I used to see his eyes glaze over whenever I talked about my life. He was a bit more interested in my sister, but only because she was very similar to him. It's narcissism really.

When I first had dc my df was quite interested... Then he started backing away and letting them down like he did to me. Not sure if his dw played a role in that but he went along with it all the same. I took my dc and went nc. Guilt free. His loss. He came into money and I hope it made him happier than having a family...