Dh has fallen out of love

[BreakupPending]

Name changed for this purely because I don't want previous threads connected to this as nobody on my personal life knows just yet.

My Dh has said he's fallen out of love. We've gone through a hellish six months. Wearing a mask triggered memories of a rape 17 years ago that I'd repressed and my anxiety has been at an all-time high. It took some time to admit all this to myself but I'm now getting help. I'm still wearing masks to protect others and I know have tools to help deal with the triggers but I barely go anywhere that requires masks.

Admittedly, I kept my DH at a distance to help me deal with all this. I thought I was doing it to protect him, but clearly it's damaged things. He's pulled away completely and now says he doesn't love me.

We're trying couples therapy (starts Monday) and right now are doing a trial separation because that's what he wants. I'm crumbling into a million pieces. We have two DD together and trying to remain friendly for them but it's hard when I just want to burst into tears all the time.

This isn't to bash him. He was clearly going through things and I was too wrapped up in my own trauma to realize that. We also just got into a lull with the kids, dogs, work, and COVID (I swear this is the biggest problem right now because it's what triggered me.) His thing has always been to push people away when he gets hurt to protect himself and now he's doing it to me.

I guess I just wonder if anyone has been through something similar and come out the other side with their marriage still intact. Is there any sort of hope?

So as not to drop feed, he says he will give this 100% effort but I'm scared his flaw of pushing people away instead of opening himself up will stop him doing that. That's an insecurity of mine I'm trying not to show through.

TIA for any advice anyone can offer. Sometimes it's easier to blurt this out to strangers who don't know me or my DH and will remain impartial.

Oh I should add that we have bother always struggled with just small talk. I thought we had a comfortable silence but that doesn't seem to be the case anymore. Now it's hard just to have a conversation while we're still stuck in the same house. He's moving out but finding somewhere to rent isn't easy right now.

Other posters are going to start screaming about what an evil unsupportive husband he is but, tbh, this doesn't sounds like it is specifically about the rape or your response to it. It sounds like it's been a tough year for both of you and you've been married a long time and some issues have bubbled up under the surface.

Instead of seeing yourself as trying to persuade your DH to stay, why not just engage openly with the counselling and be honest about your fears. You aren't on trial here. A better relationship means both of your needs being met not you tap dancing to his tune.

I know that sounds easier said than done but really, don't do the pick me dance. If he's not willing to try, that's on him. Try to focus on yourself and what you want.

Thanks @hereyehearye

He's definitely not an evil guy. We have both been through crap, but I was too blind to his because of mine, and I guess vice versa. His bad habit is pulling away and closing himself off when he feels like he's going to get hurt to avoid too much pain.

Right now I'm just trying to give him time, but that's also easier said than done. It's been a week since we agreed on the trial separation so not even that long.

I have my individual therapy sessions, which have been helping. Another one is on Sunday so I'm going to be offloading a lot there I think.

I think this year has been very tough for lots of marriages. We’ve all been put in very unnatural situations. I’d say let him move out and go through that process. It might make him see it’s not what he really wants. The worst thing to do would be to cry and try to change his mind

@Ganasha it has but I didn't think it would be us. We were strong until around NYE when a death hit him hard and I was too wrapped up in my own trauma to see that. I think we've both just been too wrapped up in dealing with our own mental health issues that we've forgotten each other.

I've been asking him about how his place hunting is going. Our market is crazy right now so it's not easy, especially finding something suitable for two DDs to be now and then.

Not crying is not an option. I'm just an emotional person and always have been. I can't just turn that off, but I am leaving the room when it gets too much for me to hold in.

Well, some people find talking hard, it’s not a crime, maybe you could communicate through text? Even though your in the same house, some couples find that helps.

Marriage or being in a couple takes work, normally from both sides, it’s not always easy but what is. Take a day at a time and if your both giving 100% I can’t see how you won’t both get there eventually, but the main question is....can he actually love you again or has he fallen too far? That would be the first question really as no point trying if he feels that’s something that’s impossible.

I’m sorry Op I hope he tries to work at it with you,

Why is he only having his kids now and then?

@LavenderLollies

I'll have them the other times. I guess I worded that badly.

We've worked a way to do the kids 50/50 during the trial separation, although we'll see how it works out. We're not in the UK and our schools are possibly going back into virtual learning after Easter and I'm not sure how he can make it work with his job. That was the problem back in January while I tried to work from home and do the virtual learning. (DD2 is only 5 so needs hands-on help, DD1 is 8 and is great on her own.)

It is naive to imagine that getting married will lead to everlasting happiness and a forever feeling of being 'in love'. It is the fairytale we are sold, but it is perfectly normal to fall in and out of love multiple times over the course of a long relationship. The trick is to fall in love more often then fall out of it. And not to panic when you feel that lack of love or hear it from your husband. Keep calm. It is solvable. You loved each other once, and you can find it again.