I don't want to be "unreasonable" anymore, I think I'll have to leave him?

[Donewith]

5 years ago, I discovered I was 6 months pregnant after only dating DP for 10 months. To say I was shocked is an understatement. I had no family around as I'd moved away for work and at the same time, my parents divorced and were living with friends, so I couldn't even go and stay with them.

When I informed my manager I was pregnant, she was less than impressed and spent the final 11 weeks of my time at work bullying me. I became extremely isolated as other colleagues distanved themselves from me as a result.

Unsurprisingly, I ended up with PND. I would hallucinate at times (although kept this to myself), felt smothered by DPs family who were all elated and were turning up unannounced to see the baby, nobody asked how I was doing.
Eventually, my HV referred me to a MH unit as an outpatient and I got better.

DP has stuck with me (in body) but not necessarily in mind. We bought a new home together when I returned to work and have managed to create a life with our little family of 3.
The problem is that throughout, he's never taken me seriously. I was emotional and volatile during the final 3 months of my pregnancy and had irrational thoughts for quite some time afterwards through the PND. I thought DPs mum wanted to steal my baby for a while.

I've had numerous clinical assessments since and they all rule out any form of mental illness. I don't feel depressed but I do feel a little anxious and question myself a lot, seeking reassurance. I've thrown myself into being a Mum and love it.

DP sees me however as this volatile, emotional over-reacting, pain in the arse hypochondriac.

For the first 3 years of our daughter's life, she was ill a lot. I knew something was wrong, but I was always the hypochondriac mother in his and his family eyes. Then at age 3 after I kept taking her to appointments and demanding answers, she was diagnosed with an allergy which was negatively impacting her immune system and making her ill. It took for her to physically faint for anyone to take me seriously. I've been praised by her consultant for following through.

When she was 8 months old, DP told me I was "unreasonable" for not allowing her to stay overnight at his parents house. This is when I was in the thick of PND and couldn't bear to be away from her.

DP happens to be best friends with my old manager's brother (the one who bullied me) and for a year, DP made excuses, it was all in my head. Then one day, he saw the way she treated me for himself when he was out socially and he realised I wasn't "mental" as he likes to call me.

I'm very intuitive and know if something is wrong with DC, like many mums, but he disregards my feelings and thoughts until he "sees the facts."

If I fall out with someone, he immediately takes the other side. When his parents have slipped up and given DC an allergy food, it's me who is unreasonable when I express my anger and frustration.

I am sick, sick, sick of being made out to be some sort of crazy woman. He hasn't let go of the past, I'm not ill anymore. I'm not depressed anymore. I can think logically.

I need to leave him, don't I?

Just to add, he's 10 years older than me and I don't know if he sees me as some silly little girl or something. I was 25 when I had DC so quite young myself.

Still, I don't think this degradation of my thoughts and feelings is really justified is it?

100% leave

I agree, leave him

Yes leave! Him, his family and bullying friend all sound awful!

Good for you for getting better and realising what's going on. I'm sure being around them was far from helpful for your PND.

Best of luck OP.

Another vote for leave.

Yes, it sounds like he is not on your team and likely never will be.

Another vote for leave, but do it in a planned manner and make sure you have support, both financial and emotional. Divorce is very stressful and traumatic, and you don’t want another hit to your mental health.
It sounds like, if you had not become pregnant, this relationship would not have lasted anyway. He is not loving and supportive of you, he is critical and automatically assumes you are in the wrong unless proved otherwise. He seems to be reluctantly tolerating something he is stuck with, rather than enthusiastically participating in a happy partnership.
I feel you will be much happier once you are living apart, but the process of getting there will be tough on you. Good luck, OP.

I feel you will be much happier once you are living apart, but the process of getting there will be tough on you. Good luck, OP

Agree 100% with other PPs. Rally some support from your parents (and on here) and brace yourself, but once it’s all done, removing this useless lump from your life will improve your MH no end.

Your relationship sounds unpleasant and probably soul destroying long term. However I think you need to tackle him about his unreasonable behaviour rather than up and going. He needs to accept he's a shit partner or at least hear how he impacts so negatively on you. The point of this being that you won't have doubts and guilt for being the one who ends the relationship. You'll want as civil a relationship in the future for your child's and your sake. Putting the responsibility on him might help with that. Also I'd plan my escape carefully, if you can
Good luck with it all

Thanks all.
I have continual daily support from my DM via phone call. My Dad is v old fashioned at unsupportive. I have told him my thoughts and he says I "need to stay for the sake of DC."
V disappointed.
My brother thinks we should "keep working at it."
I have a few friends who know.
I've told DP I'm not sure I want to be with him anymore and why (I am of course, unreasonable for thinking so). He has told me I'll be very lonely with nobody. I'm trying to not let his comments affect me.

I don't think there's anything as lonely as being surrounded by unsupportive people.

This is really sad to read. Your daughter is going to start understanding soon and you don’t want her to think that he’s right or that this is an ok way to treat a woman. 💐 wishing you the best of luck

Donewith - he’s a bastard and just trying to put you down.
You have had a rough time.
It would be helpful if you kept your thoughts to yourself re ending the relationship - he’s not going to support you is he.
Get hold of any finances of his re maintainable payments.
You don’t need your blessing from your Dad or siblings.
The relationship is not working for you.
Good luck

@UtterlyUnimaginativeUsername

I don't think there's anything as lonely as being surrounded by unsupportive people.

Absolutely! Think of your life without him in it, I bet it seems happier! Plus you’ll have your daughter and in the future you can meet somebody new.!

Sounds to me that you would be a whole lot less lonely and a lot less anxious without this man and his gang of flying monkeys hanging around diminishing you. Start making your plans to leave 💐

Leave him keep your Mum close and ask her to assist you in keeping your resolve. Utterly is absolutely spot on.

I think he is a bully just like that manager.

The 'taking everyone's side but mine' is actually something that emotional abusers do. It's their mo. As is gaslighting you and trying to drive you nuts. As is making out that you'll be unable to cope without them.

I think now you've got your mental health back, you should do whatever it takes to keep it. However, part of that is distancing yourself fromall unsuportive ppl. Don't swap one for another. Eg: if you move nearer family then still be careful to limit contact with the unsuportive members of it.

I have spoken to him a lot about this (probably 4 years of conversations) I know I've tried and there's not much else I can do. He even moved out for a while before Christmas as I needed some space from him and I had nowhere to go. He came back and things were better for a short time, but already, he's reverted back to old ways.

He has told me I'll be very lonely with nobody.

He sounds very manipulative..
I agree with everyone else, I think you should leave him. But it is easier said than done. Do what you think is best for you and your daughter, best of luck.

He has a lot of support around here (it's his hometown) and whilst I've made a few friends, they are people I see on a 1:1 basis for meaningful chats.
He is part of this huge group of male friends who all went to school together. It's easy for me to feel like a minority. He has highlighted this vulnerability by emphasising that I'm "on my own." But then I think, I probably have closer, more loyal friends than he does as he never meets any of them on his own,just goes along with the crowd.
Flying monkeys is a good way to describe his family. His parents have been extremely helpful with DC in terms of childcare, but there's always a deep sense of DP and them vs me.

I think the best thing I’ve read on mumsnet is that you don’t need permission to leave a relationship. If it is not making you happy for whatever reason then you go.
I would make plans to move back to your hometown. Have you actually told your mum and brother how horrible he is to you and how unhappy you are?

Thanks @Chunkymonkey123 that is good to hear. I think I probably crave my Dad's blessing to leave, but I won't get it.

Going back to my hometown feels a bit daunting, DM has since moved to Scotland where she lives with her boyfriend and Dad just isn't supportive. Many friends have moved away.

I'll probably stay around here now. Also, I don't like the thought of DC being 75 miles away at her Dad's.

They know I'm unhappy but I don't think they appreciate the gravity of the situation, although Mum probably does.

Spoke to him last night and he's concluded that I have a vendetta against his parents. He's correct to think I don't like his DM and I do find annoyances in the ways they look after DC sometimes.
In his eyes, they can do no wrong.
I have a huge sense of wanting to leave him this morning. He has said that he will move out whilst we put the house up for sale etc.
I'm fed up of being made out to be some sort of vile, over-reacting monster.

Im going to go against the grain here op. While he does sound unsupportive of your mental health problems you also sound hard work. I definitely think you are both better off separating and working on a good co parenting relationship.

He is clearly not the right person for you.

He doesn’t see yourself how you see you - He doesn’t “see you” or your authentic real self. You feel he has this wrong perception of you & this is his base feelings for you.

Anytime he has changed & seen your point of view was because it was thrust in his face, not because he actually considered your feelings or opinions himself.

The other flip side is this was a new relationship which had a baby thrown into the mix & if you guys were never madly in love before it would be very draining to have to support someone through their mental health struggles when you may not in other circumstances have chosen to commit to them. I could see how he might feel fed up of your moods & “dramatics” as he perceives them.

You staying together for this baby to make the best of things is unnessary & sounds emotionally upsetting for you.

Would you be happier to just co-parent & live separately? Find someone who actually seems to like you for you?

You’ve had a really rough start and been through so much. I’m in awe at how tenacious you were in getting your dd diagnosed. You’re an awesome dm!

It sounds like you’ve both tried to fix this relationship but it’s not working. I was brought up to believe that being a good adult meant sticking at things and not giving up; but I’ve learned that moving away from toxic people has had a better effect on my ability to be a healthy functioning adult.

I think, if you make up your mind to leave, you should do it wisely. Get your ducks in a row, and work towards an harmonious co-parenting outcome.

Whether that will ultimately be possible is another thing. Your dh is controlling, undermining and gaslighting. He probably won’t be an easy co-parent.

Your story reminded me a tiny bit of Philippa Gregory’s The Little House