Still feeling very lost after husband left

[AnnieFarmer]

Three years ago and out of the blue my husband of 23 years told me that our marriage was over. We have 2 teenagers. He’d met someone else.

I have tried to pick myself up after this. I put all my focus into our children and myself because at first he destroyed my self esteem with harsh words, blaming me entirely for the marriage ending. I took up new hobbies and am trying to throw myself into work. I have a couple of close friends and 1 sibling. My parents passed away a long time ago.

I feel so alone. I wake up every morning feeling a complete lack of purpose in life. My children are my reason for being here but I’m struggling with this feeling of no longer being part of a dynamic team that worked together to create a happy life. My H wanted to set up his own business a few years ago so I started working more hours so that he could do so. I’m finding it hard to adjust to now working only for me and and the kids and I don’t enjoy my job as much because I don’t feel I’m doing it to benefit the team any longer (my H and I and the kids).

I have come a long way from feeling suicidal after he first left but I seem to be left with this overwhelming feeling of feeling so badly let down by him. I would never have imagined he’d do what he did. He really was a great husband and is a great dad. I thought we were happy.

When he left he said he wanted to divorce but I’ve heard no more about this from him. We coparent with no problems.

I feel absolutely terrified of divorce and my head is firmly buried in the sand. At 52 I feel absolutely no desire to date anyone else, if I happen to meet someone in the course of daily life that might be different.

I just don’t know how to help myself. Can anyone relate to this? I think you probably think I’m pathetic. I think some people around me do. I suppose it’s despair.

I wondered if anyone has found meaning and purpose in their life after the end of their marriage and how you did so? I appreciate this is hard to do during lockdown but any words of wisdom would be appreciated.

Three years isn't really very long to get over the end of a 23 year marriage. You have done well so far but you still need to get used to putting yourself and your DC at the forefront of your mind. Why is your hard work worth less if it's to benefit you and your DC, rather than you and your H and your DC? I think you know that logically there's no good answer to that, but you're still struggling to really feel and believe it. Were you maybe quite a passive partner in the marriage who always put yourself last? It takes a while to get out of that kind of mental habit. Keep going OP, you'll get there!

I don't think you're pathetic at all. I do think you're still stuck in the past and still clinging on to an idealised picture of your husband. He wasn't great. He cheated. He abandoned his family. Nothing great about him. You never found your anger and so weren't able to cut him loose.

I think by now you could probably use some help to find out who you are and what you want your life to be, so I would really recommend you seek out some counselling. You deserve so much better than to be stuck in the past and unable to move on, but I don't think you can get there by yourself.

Also, just divorce him. If he's currently doing his bit and paying maintenance for the kids, not a lot needs to change - but you should cut loose from him. You can either divorce base on 2 years' separation (which will need his agreement) or wait another couple of years and then you can divorce him without his consent.

I wish you well. I'm 53 and have been widowed for almost 3 years - my husband died while we were in the process of divorcing. I haven't dated either, but I've found out that I don't need a man to be happy or to cope. If you can let go, you to will learn just how strong and independent you are - and when you've done that, who knows what will happen? You might meet someone and be on a completely different footing in that new relationship because you're so much stronger than before.

Go and get help and support and start your recovery.

I'd be looking for your anger, if I were you.

Also, having a rethink. I had to take some time a few years ago to find out what I really enjoy, what I want, who I am. I'd compromised for so many years I'd lost track.

Shift your focus to spoiling yourself.

And check out your financial situation.

I know what you mean. I had similar, although my children were younger at the time. It has been 5 years and I still feel the guts have been ripped out of my family. In fact I no longer feel I have a family, just a timeshare in the children.

I have dated a bit, but not met anyone to have a relationship with. Online dating can be brutal.

I'm sorry Annie, you experienced the ultimate betrayal so of course, you haven't completely healed yet, it really is a process. Please be gentle with yourself.

Firstly, I hope you realise by now it wasn't your fault at all and he is a grade a prick and a coward for doing that to you and your family.

I haven't experienced divorce, but when my long-term partner abruptly finished with me out of the blue, I eventually found the power and purpose in life by focusing on becoming the best version of me, in my mind, it was so that he would forever regret his decision to walk away, that I was thriving without him and that I was happy and loved myself again.

I don't know if that helps at all but start slowly by doing things for yourself. You are worth love and in time, if you were ready, you could definitely meet a man deserving of you.

But I echo posters saying you need to divorce. I put it off for too long and I'm convinced it gave him time to hide assets. You are still financially linked with this man and anything could happen - he could get into debt, start a second family, lots of things that would affect your financial position for the worse both now and on divorce.

Hi OP,
I can’t speak from personal experience in terms of the end of a marriage but when I’ve had major losses I’ve gone really slowly back into the world.
You have to put yourself first!
Are there things you like to do, by yourself, for yourself?
We don’t need to follow the woman script of living to care only for others...
Would you like to go for long walks alone, meet a friend for a chat, write about how you feel (diary style), wander around shops (I know all this is COVID restrictions dependant), go to a gallery, visit a nearby town/village for lunch with a friend and wander around, go to a bookshop for a browse and a purchase, bake an awesome cake, try new recipes that you didn’t do before now, redecorate a room, get a pet, write a letter to a friend/ relative (rather than email etc), get blind drunk and dance around your house, go to a full on exercise class, splash out on expensive clothes/jewellery/ perfume/hobby. I’ve done all the above and while I had to force it at first, it became more natural and I stopped feeling so low.
I wish you luck

Get divorced and plan some trips with your DC. Lock down may be adding to your feelings.

OP, it sounds as if for 23 years you have not existed as a person, you have just been the support system for your husband and family.
With that role removed, it’s hardly surprising you feel cut adrift and purposeless.
But instead of despairing, why not see this as a wonderful opportunity to find yourself?
Who is AnnieFarmer, apart from being a wife and mother? What are her interests, her hobbies, her strengths, her likes and dislikes?
Start mothering yourself, instead of other people. Encourage yourself to try new things, pamper yourself, cook favourite foods, learn a new skill - anything that gets you facing forwards instead of backwards, that gets you valuing yourself and what you have, not grieving what is lost.
There is a process of adjustment to be gone through, sure, but at the end of it is a confident woman with the best half of her life still to live. Go for it!

Your 52 years young, I met my partner 5 years ago when I was 49 and we're really happy. I was married for 24 years to an unfaithful partner and there really is a life to be had after a long relationship.
Everyday your down because of your cheating husband is a day lost. Don't let this continue to pull you down find your anger and fight back.
I'd say get yourself out there and start having some fun. There are plenty of reputable dating sites but you have to be prepared to pay for what you get. People knock around on free apps and hook up sites that are full of idiots.
You can always explain in your profile just initially looking for friendship with a view to a relationship in future. When I was online dating one would often see that written in a profile infact I did the same. It never prevented me from having dates.
Just getting out and sharing a few conversations with someone genuine will lift your confidence and spirits no end.
Think of all the reasons to do things and replace the thoughts of reasons not to. Tonight, tomorrow and Sunday can be the start of a new beginning....grab a hold of it

Oh my goodness, you really are all amazing and wise. Thank you all so much.

You are right, I think I did lose myself. I think I did put my Hs wants before my own.

It's is interesting to read the observations on anger because a few friends have said they don't understand where my anger is.

I want to thank you all for the inspiration. I'm going to seriously think about finding new things and new people.

Thank you.

I get the impression you feel all washed up at. 52 when in actual fact it could be a great time in your life if you let it be. Your children are less dependent and maybe it’s time to let go and discover new things. Are you sure you’re not looking back at your marriage with rose tinted glasses? Don’t waste any more time grieving - try and make plans, join things and build a new life. My dad cheated and left my mother after 40 years, she’s thriving now and even has a boyfriend at the age of 74!!!x

OP, if you like reading, I'm currently reading a book from the perspective of a woman in a similar position to you - The Seven Sisters by Margaret Drabble. It's hard IMO to find books with an older female as the main character.

It does sound sad that you see no benefit in working etc because you’re not part of a “dynamic team”

It does sound like you have Rose coloured goggles on because it can’t have been that dynamic all the time - sounds like he had an affair & left.

It sounds like you thrived on being collaborative & sacrificing yourself for this greater good of the “family” and struggle with finding satisfaction from independence.

While you say you have pursued hobbies etc you said several times that your children are your focus & reason for being.

that is arguably not a healthy attitude or approach to life. While it’s good to not focus on needing to be in a relationship perhaps you have focused so much on your children you have forgotten about focusing on yourself.

It sounds like you don’t really know who you are without other things to define you like being a wife / having a husband / having kids / being a mother

You are more than any of these things.

Who even are you without those things?

That’s what you have to discover & learn to love.

You arent pathetic but you should be angry! He let you down massively but you are still shackled to him in marriage, being reminded that he left you!

Break free! Divorce him! Find new meaning - why dont you do volunteer work - the local food bank? Lots of charities desperately need people right now. Find something local that means something to you.

Take up new hobbies - write a list of things you want to do. Do you like animals? Get a pet for company.

You are not pathetic! It is natural to grieve and feel that loss. I split up with my partner of 25 years, about 2. 5 years ago. The circumstances were different - we are still in touch as friends - but I was devastated and felt absolutely awful at first. I don't know how I got through the initial stages.

I had recently found a new job so that really gave me something else to focus on. I also started going to dance sessions which also helped massively and got me out. It was ideal as there wasn't a lot of pressure to be sociable. The dancing was also very expressive and healing in itself.

At some point (prior to the first lockdown) I just started to feel more like I wanted to be with people again and I started seeing friends more and going to more events.

You will get through it. Even if at times it feels too much or as though you can't - you can. These times will pass and you will come out the other side.

Although things are limited at the moment, it might be worth doing a bit of research to plan for future interests you want to develop. Meetup is worth checking out or Eventbrite for online events. Skillshare is great for creative courses. Then you could start building something for yourself. Maybe you could think about finding work that would suit you and your qualities.

I also found Bianca Sparacino's podcasts really healing: podcasts.apple.com/gb/podcast/in-your-feelings/id1495592153.

Best of luck OP

After my exh of 15 years left me and had an affair I had what I called my "year of yes." I said yes to all social invitations, took up new hobbies I always wanted to try, started eating differently, got myself on tinder.
It was terrifying at first but honestly it's the best thing that's happened to me now. This is a chance for you to rebuild and focus on you for once! I know it's scary, but take some risks and get out there.
And definitely file for divorce. Once you do that the power is back in your court and you become master of your own destiny.
Freedom, fun and adventure are waiting for you, honestly!!