Break up - did i do the right thing

[deflated2020]

Hello,

I posted about my relationship troubles some months ago. My bf (now ex) had a decades old female best friend who never liked me and kept trying to sabotage our relationship. She wanted him to break up with me, refused to meet me, he was hiding when they'd hang out, sharing screenshots of our arguments with her, and didn't do much to fix anything. They used to talk everyday, meet a few times a week so I found this very hard. I had some great advice on this thread and broke up with him in October. However, a few weeks after that he got back in touch to say he'd been thinking and realised he wasn't being fair to me and could see my POV. So I stupidly took him back.

It was fine for the first few months. He didn't seem to be meeting her as much or talking about her. However, I still never met her even though he would go often to see her. But then he had some time off and started spending a lot of it with her, and it felt like they had returned to the same intensity of friendship as before. I questioned him, and he kept saying, "it's just a close friendship". She has a long term DP so it's like that made it ok. But I couldn't understand how he thought it was ok to be so close to another woman, who still refused to meet me (i know she did because he showed me the texts) and STILL thought he should break up.

He reluctantly agreed to spend less time with her, which for him meant ONCE a week, rather than multiple times a week. I realised I couldn't trust him because I had no idea what was going on with this friend, why she hated me and why he tolerated it, why he needed so much time with her when he has other commitments, and the anxiety was too much. So I ended it.

I'm feeling really sad though as I did love him, and we had such a good time together. He kept saying how much he liked me, and I can't understand why he let this friendship come between us. I never wanted him to stop the friendship, I just wanted to be included sometimes, and for her to not be so negative about me. Was I unreasonable? Guess I just want a handhold and some tough love to stop me contacting him again. Difficult as he was my only support during Covid and the loneliness makes me question my decision.

I think you did the right thing. If she was nice and friendly to you, and just accepted his new relationship - then great! You all could have been mates. But she seemed hostile, and he seems like he's either doesn't see it or doesn't care. You're better off with someone with nicer friends!

You're definitely doing the right thing. If one of your friends was going through the same things you've described you'd tell her to run for the for the hills.
This isn't how a relationship should him prioritising time with another woman friend over you. Sharing intimate details of your relationship together and her advising him to finish with you.
Sounds like classic classroom behaviour to me. How old was your ex partner?

This sounds like narcissistic triangulation and when I was involved, like you, I couldn’t work out why that person was so important to him to the point that it was seriously upsetting me. He really didn’t see my POV (or conveniently claimed not to) and you end up paranoid and not knowing what’s happening. They just hide stuff from you and gaslight you into thinking you are over reacting. But to me it’s about how that situation makes you feel, and like you I couldn’t handle it. They say they are putting you first but they bloody well are not!

Yes you did the right thing, maybe you're just feeling a bit sad and lonely, it will pass and you will think, why did I ever put up with it so long.
He wasn't emotionally available to you and was offering you breadcrumbs, in a relationship where they value you, you would always be the priority. His friendship with another woman was more like an emotional affair at best and FWB at worst
Secretive behaviour is never good news.

Don't feel sad, feel lucky you're out the situation.

He was 35. He seemed so honest and decent. I've also now discovered that the months I thought he wasn't seeing her as much, he was, just lying to me.

Feel even worse. That we broke up, he got back with me promising to change and then did all the same shit.

Why would he get back with me just to hurt me again, when he had no intention of changing??

@deflated2020 and @BibbityBobbety (are you the same person?!)

I wouldn't have any problem with him having a close female friend, but why does he need someone to criticise you with? For me it's less to do with their relationship and more to do with him having a side that needs to let off steam about you in your absence.

This makes me think you can't be ideally suited to each other, and things wouldn't get better with time.

He doesn't need to change, he's just not the one for you or probably anyone else until he stops prioritising this female friendship over his romantic relationship. You're not the one goes going to do that for and so you've made the right decision and should be proud of that, even though it's hard.

I can’t understand why he would want to have a friend that is openly hostile to you.

The friendship isn’t the problem. The attitude to the hostility is.

You’ve made the right choice. He didn’t.

@BibbityBobbety that’s an epic name change fail.

Can I point you to the advice you’ve give another poster on a thread just this morning...

You've done the right thing, OP.

The issue isn't whether he fancied her or not, the issue is that he had a close female friend he never introduced you to, and prioritised time with her over you. That is unacceptable and no friendship should happen in total exclusion of a partner. It's just weird to want to spend so much time with someone and not introduce your partner to them.

He has been very disrespectful and I suspect he never thought you'd actually leave. Or would beg for him to take you back. I know you love him, but don't go back to him. He should have loved and cared for you enough to not place you in this anxiety inducing drama that was completely unnecessary. He's selfish and only focused on what he wants, and if not this woman, there would be some other issue, he refused to compromise on.

I know you're angry, but soon you'll be sad and miss him. Mourn the loss of the relationship but take strength from standing up for yourself and exerting your boundaries. You deserve to be with someone who puts your needs first and can find compromises rather than shut you down. He's shown you he isn't that man. Better now than after a decade and marriage.

Do not go back as the damage is done and you'll only show him that he can carry on with this shitty behaviour with no consequences. Every time you falter, think about how hurt and humiliated you felt when he chose to spend a day off with her, excluding you!!

Looks like you know what to do OP.

What Fran said. This is just bollocks. Needs to be told, 'You don't get to contact me anymore. I don't ever want to hear from you again. Go toy with someone else's mind, I don't deserve this.' And then block him.

Sounds like you did the right thing to me.