I can't seem to end my marriage. I don't know if it's me or him

[backtothebacktothe]

I have been married unhappily for ten years, with young DC to an alcoholic in denial who regularly goes AWOL, is in debt (which I am covering) and is emotionally and verbally abusive. At the beginning of the relationship he came into it with more money than me (for eg I was a student and lived rent free in his house at the beginning of the relationship and he worked and was the breadwinner over the period I had DC.) For the last 5 years I have been working full time and paying for everything and he has done nothing but cause problems for myself and the DC. Either by coming home drunk at 5am every morning or shouting and screaming and frightening us, or just getting into more and more debt which I have to bail out. He has lost the house that he owns, and displays very addictive behaviour. We have had bailiffs come to our house etc.

I am trying to leave - I just want out - but he calls me selfish. He says it's the wrong thing to do to the DC (not have a family unit) and that I am in the wrong for not agreeing to work on the marriage, for "giving up so easily" for "always wanting to take the easy way out." He reminds me at the beginning of the relationship, he had everything and I had nothing. Why can't I be compassionate now the tables have turned? He reminds me of marriage vows - in sickness and in health - and he asks me now that he's fallen on hard times, why am I bailing?

It is reminding me of my last relationship before my husband, where I was with a much older man for 7 years. When I found him increasingly controlling and co-ercive, I told him I wanted to call it day. He said I couldn't. "Long relationships don't just end because you decide you're bored or don't want to try hard enough." Again I was met with this accusation of being selfish, of not wanting to "try," of not "working on things."

As this has happened twice now I don't know if it's the type of men I attract, or whether it is really me. Are other people are experiencing shitty behaviour in longterm relationships and then going through stages of working on it and hunting around for justifiable reasons to end it rather than supposed "selfish" ones like not being happy?

My husband always challenges my perception of things. If I find something obviously abusive, he will say it wasn't. If I say something has really really hurt me, he'll say it didn't, and what I did on another occasion hurt far more and was far, far worse, so I am obviously the demon in the marriage.

How do I get out of this?

His alcoholism is not your problem. It’s absolutely HIS.

Tell him you’ll continue to support him if he goes to AA and stops drinking. If he doesn’t you’re out.

And that’s the soft line...

You’re allowed to leave a relationship if it’s not working for you. You don’t need anyone’s permission.

TBH, I’d just leave. It’ll be taking a huge toll on the DCs.

This is going to be hard, but you will only make sense of the situation if you stop internalising what he tells you about yourself as though it's true.

He is just bullshitting to smokescreen you out of seeing what is going on and acting on it.

Don't let him confuse you. You know what to do. Good luck. X

You dont need his permission to leave. You will be protecting your DC. You will be better off financially on your own. I left when DC started talking to me like their Dad did. I was terrified for a while my DS was going to grow up to be abusive and have terrible relationships and I had left it too late and ruined his life. But over subsequent years we have been able to turn it around because the DC do not see someone modelling abusive behaviour. They dont miss their Dad shouting all the time even though they were upset at us splitting. I think they know its for the best and when they see him they choose to do it for short periods. Let your kids grow up in a calm house. Your DH is an adult you aren't responsible for financing him but you are responsible for your DC. Put them first.

No he is wrong. You might benefit from some counselling in the longer term to help you believe in yourself more. Good luck with everything, it sounds like a very difficult time. Alcoholism is such a dreadful disease.

It's ok to leave him, he sounds completely out of control and getting close to the rock bottom they talk about, I would want to shelter my children from seeing too much of that or being affected by it's impacts. then it's up to him to acknowledge he has a massive problem and if he is able to overcome the addiction.

You were a student and then raising his children whilst he was supporting you, not comparable in the slightest.

You can leave a relationship for any reason you want, you are your DC are not happy. How is it selfish to prioritise your children's happiness above your partner? It's quite the opposite actually. Stop thinking about his feelings, he clearly isn't thinking about yours.

Your H is wrong and living another 3 months, let alone another 10 years like this, will further diminish you, not just to say your children, emotionally.

Stop enabling him by covering for him or otherwise bailing him out. You've been shielding him from the consequences of his actions and that enabling does not help you or him. It only gives you a false sense of control.

What do you get out of this relationship now?. You're getting something out of it so what is it?. I am wondering if you are codependent in relationships anyway (alcoholism and codependency often go hand in hand) but this man's needs are not more important than yours here. You only need to give your own self permission to leave, you do not need his not that he would give this to you anyway. He just wants you around so that he can continue drinking uninterrupted.

What did you learn about relationships when you were growing up, what sort of an example did your parents show you?. Your previous relationship was abusive in nature and so is this current one. Your boundaries in relationships, already weakened by previous abuse, are further being battered by this man now. What do you think your children are learning about relationships here from the two of you, this is no model to show them. Would you want them as adults to have such a relationship, no you would not. Its not good enough for you either.

It may well be a good idea for you to contact Al-anon as well as seeking legal advice re separation and divorce. Knowledge is power.