Emotionally unsupportive DH

[Liveyourbestlife123]

exactly that really! Does anyone else have very little support emotionally (ie day to day, not prepared to support you through medical appointments etc) and decided enough is enough?

Me too! My husband is great when it comes to solving practical problems in my life, but when it comes to emotional support, he just cannot and doesn´t know how to do it.

I have come to appreciate what he is good at and not expect much emotionally as I know I will be frustrated. He just have a different way of dealing with problems. He works in IT so he is very much solution oriented rather than just nodding and saying "I understand", which is what I normally want when I have a problem.

When I had an operation, he will take me to hospital, deal with everything that is practical, collect me... He´s very reliable like that, but if I expressed my feelings to him, there will not be a lot coming back.

If he is not meeting your emotional needs ( or indeed for any reason you so choose ) leave him... there is no obligation to stand in a relationship that is not making you happy
What kind of responses from him are you looking for that he doesn't provide

There are so many, probably too many to mention. I am leaving, i can't live like this anymore, unfortunately there are children involved.

I was curious to see if others are in the same situation and how they dealt / coped with it.

My ExH was like that. Years of him not supporting me. When I was having a miscarriage, he just left me bleeding in bed, trying to get our youngest to sleep - it didn't even occur to him to check on me. But mostly it was that he wouldn't ever ask his I was feeling about things, or try to look into my heart. It never occurred to me to ask him to come along to a baby scan, because I knew he wouldn't see the point. We had an amazing connection on the cerebral level, interested in the same niche subjects, shared humour - but he was emotionally cold. I stayed with him out of loyalty and for the children and he eventually left for other reasons. Now I've got 20 years' worth of diaries that I look back at and think - bloody hell, woman, why on earth did you put up with that? It was so lonely and I felt so unloved, and ashamed that I couldn't have a good relationship when so many could. Now I'm hoping that one day I'll do better. But this sort of thing does a number on you. I'd say sort it out now - don't settle for it.

@DivorcedAndDelighted that's so sad :(

I advice but I’m in the same boat.

Yes, my husband is crap at emotional support but knowing his parents and upbringing it's really not his fault, he's improved in our 22 years but still has a long way to go be even meet me in the middle to be honest.

It's a very lonely existance to be with someone lacking in emotional intellegence.

It depends how strong you are op, you have to be very strong to go it alone emotionally.

Hats off to the ladies who do.

Yes and in divorce proceedings now (legal mediation).

OH just told the lawyer yesterday that he wasn't suffering that much in this situation - and he's not, not that it's easy but he's not actually suffering or in masses of pain because he almost never feels those things - and she told him "I know you're suffering. I can see it."

Which is exactly what I did years ago when we dated: gave him feelings he doesn't have because obviously he must feel something.

And he's also able to stay in control in the mediation..because he's not got a lot to control. She sees it as him having to "man up" when that's not healthy and I'm unsympathetic to the suffering of this man, obviously part of why we have problems.

No. He's emotionally unsupportive in the extreme. I'm ill, he's nowhere to be seen. I cry from exhaustion, he walks out of the room. I'm in bed rest for 12 weeks when pregnant, he decides I'm doing it for attention (because I look fine).

Divorce him, because he's not going to suddenly wake up and become emotionally intelligent. However, steel yourself for engaging with anybody who is going to "see his suffering" in the process. I heard how difficult divorce can be and I've seen it. Nobody told me about this possibility though. Good luck.

gave him feelings he doesn't have because obviously he must feel something

This is the biggest lesson many of us have to learn...assuming emotions or motivations of other people based on our emotions and motivations.

I stayed in a relationship for far too long with someone I emotionally supported for nearly 20 years. I never had any in return from my ex and he will never change. They are like energy vampires until one day you reach the point where you feel so lonely that you say "No more" and you realise that you are far better on your own where the only emotional support you give is to yourself and your children. I feel heaps better after ending the relationship and whilst there are a few bumps in the road at least I know in future I would totally avoid a partner like this.

Thank you all for your posts, i am sorry you are experiencing simular but although relieved its not just me that feels like this.

I did ask my husband to attend baby scans with me and he said no, he had to work... if the children are poorly its my responsibilty to juggle work and not his. At the beginning of lockdown he said i needed to sort the kids, he needed to work (he is not a key worker). Just a complete lack of support at every life event. Its so sad, although on the other hand so happy to be going it alone, to be responsible for myself and my children. He said i would need to tell the children we are splitting and he has made ir very clear it was not his decision, which is also awful.

Emotional support now for the children... guess who?!

My ExH felt unable to take the day off work when we moved house. I was 36 weeks pregnant at the time and had 3 DC aged 6 and under. Now I blame myself for not challenging him, so well done OP for not being a doormat / martyr.

divorcedanddelighted, i wouldn't beat yourself up about bot challenging him in hindsight. You have obviously made the right decision and you can only move forward. Thank you for your kind words and well done yourself for not being a doormat too

My ex-DH was exactly like this- no emotional intelligence at all. It was bad enough living with his day to day lack of empathy, but when something quite serious and health related happened to our family and he was no support at all on an emotional- that's when I knew I couldn't stay with someone like that.

I'm now with someone who is on my wavelength emotionally, and I can't tell you how good it feels to be with someone who supports you on every level. I finally feel like I'm part of a team, it's wonderful.

Roastpotatoess thank you. I cant currently see past the divorce, its nice you have a happy ending and have shared this

Gonnabeok, i agree