Stopping myself saying I want a divorce now!!

[OliveButter]

I’m writing here, because otherwise I might implode and say something to my H that I can’t take back. I’m not ready to say the words yet, but this marriage is done.

We’re on day 4 of him not speaking to me, because I did something he didn’t like (nothing serious in any way). I can’t tell my friends, as I’m too embarrassed. Think something along the lines of me saying a while ago that I’ve given up smoking and then him accidentally finding some hidden empty packets of cigarettes. It’s not smoking, but that’s the closest analogy I can think of.

It’s now one word answers from him etc. I just don’t like him anymore. I feel so desperately sad. I don’t want to hurt our young DC by splitting the family, but I can’t do this forever. He’s addicted to work (like 12-14+ hour days). I work full time too, but normal 9-5. We’re both wfh for the past 12 months. We have a live-in nanny for our DC (although she has a granny annex, so not living in the main house). He does lots around the house. His mother would never sit down and is obsessed with her house being pristine. H is the same and won’t relax until every crumb, dish, piece of clothing is in the right place. I’m expected to maintain these same standards too.

He frequently dismisses my opinions or tells me that I’m repeating myself, have already told him that story etc. He has practically zero sex drive, so there’s little full affection. Although he likes to cuddle, hold hands and peck on the lips. It’s bizarre.

My main issue is that he’s just so grumpy and terse. I wish he’d speak to me like he would one of his friends or a stranger. He can be charming and charismatic, but never to me (or his mother, who he also doesn’t treat so well).

He’s from a broken marriage himself and it’s caused him self-esteem issues his whole life. Weirdly he’s charming to his dreadful father. I’m from a happy family growing up, but lost both parents 20 odd years ago (when just starting university).

If I get divorced, I’ll lose my DC half the time. They’re my everything. I’m not worried about finances, as we both have good jobs. I don’t have family or siblings. I’ve got lovely friends, but they’re busy with work and families themselves. I’ll be alone a lot of time time and it will hurt my children to live between 2 homes. I don’t think our DC would notice any bad atmosphere etc, as they’re young (pre-school) and there’s physical space (big house) and time (both busy working) between us.

Anyway, my heart is racing. I just need to hold my tongue and think clearly. I need to think of a future where I’m lonely on my own, not lonely together.

Has anyone been in a similar situation and come out the other side ok?

Hi OP how were things before lock down? How old are your kids? Was he always like this or just recently?

Tbf if you lied over something (such as smoking) then most spouses would feel very aggrieved.

You should separate this issue with the rest of his behavior which doesn't sound tolerable. If he is a workaholic then is it likely he will take responsibility for the dc 50:50?

The best time to separate is when the children are very young as it definitely gets tougher as the dc get older.

If your H won't work on the marriage then it unlikely to get better in it's own.

@Bigbus our DC are nearly 5 and just 3. He’s been work-obsessed and quite in control I suppose for the past 16 years I’d say (starting a grad job with a lot of stress I suppose). He’s now much more senior in the same company.

I think his behaviours are amplified now as we’re in lockdown again and around each other so much. Usually I’d barely see him Monday to Friday (maybe once for midweek breakfast and dinner out), which was good. We had a busy social life, always out and about.

He’s lovely with our friends. They’re nearly all friendships I’ve made/developed though, as underneath his confident, sociable veneer, he’s lacking confidence and he’s an introvert. Our friends would be astonished if they knew how much of a grumpy controlling arsehole he is.

@Fireflygal thanks, you’re right, I need to separate the issue now and the issues in general. I think he’d go for EOW and 1/2 weeknights. He’s be even more lonely than me, as I keep our social lives running and be adores our DC, but would see them a lot less if we leave. What’s baffling is he wouldn’t want to have a divorced family, but doesn’t act in order to keep our relationship healthy. Maybe he thinks I’d never leave.

A workaholic who has been used to a live in nanny, sure as shit won’t be having the kids 50% of the time. No way. So put that out of your mind.

If it’s over then get out and stay out. I dithered for ages and I wish I hadn’t.

It’s a tricky one OP. A lot of what you write I could have written when our DC were younger (currently 9, 12 and 14). I have letters I wrote to DH when the kids were small but never sent and now I’m glad I didn’t.

Having said that, the paragraph you wrote about him putting you down etc doesn’t sound great tbh. Have you tried to tell him how you feel?

@Fireflygal Yeah not speaking for days is totally logical and loving and kind to your spouse

If you lied to him about something I can understand why he might be feeling upset with you. However, some of the other things you have said make me think you need to talk to him about how you feel. Don't start with talking about the marriage being over, just explain to him about how you feel and see what his views are.

Also, this lockdown and needing to be in the same house all the time can cause enormous pressure and lead to feelings being magnified. My DH and I had some almost marriage ending rows during the middle of last year (we were not used to being together all day, every day) and we sorted it out by having honest conversations and understanding that we wanted it work. So we worked at our relationship and we're in a much better place now.