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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

15 weeks pregnant, boyfriend calls me controlling

52 replies

Stevzzb · 24/03/2021 13:24

So this is really out of character for me, but I feel like I’m at wits end. I’ve spoken to my friends and doctors about how I’m feeling and I just can’t shake this feeling and needed more advice.

Me and my partner are expecting our first child together, we did live together recently until I moved back to my mums house. In the spare room due to disagreements with him all the time. Hmm He changed when I found out I was pregnant, and when we moved together in our own place. He was living with me at my mums for a while everything was fine no issues, we moved when I found out I was pregnant as we found this lovely place! Catch being it was far away from home and I don’t drive. I sacrificed family and friends and familiarity for a nice kitchen and bedrooms essentially. It wasn’t too much of an issue to start as I was happy to have my own space and a little place for our baby.

Roll on a few weeks, we start arguing a lot. He would work in the week and I was staying at home not working, due to severe morning sickness and anxiety. He became less patient and had personal issues with his ex baby mamma so there was things on his mind. But he used to be so good at talking to me but as of late just hard to talk to.
He started doing things without telling me, like bought a new car, Was going places and making me feel like I was a nag but wasn’t communicating. The real issue started when he dropped on me he wanted to go away for two weeks with friends. He didn’t actually tell me I asked him what he was doing on his phone (ignoring me) he said looking at tickets. I was hurt because he didn’t even sit and discuss with me first. He also asked his sister if it was bad if he went away without me for two weeks before telling me. It started from there. He said I was controlling because I didn’t like the idea of it, and asked him before we got together if he had any holidays planned or anything planned he said no not really. So I was quite suprised. Specially as we haven’t been any where due to covid together.
I realise this is sounding petty.
He started coming home and going straight on a Xbox he bought and didn’t tell me, playing until stupid o’clock in the morning and if I dare ask him to spend time with me or get off it, he would tell me to stop being controlling and he will come to bed when he’s ready. He said “we live together” if I said I wanted to spend time with him. He would lie about coming home late, instead of saying he was going somewhere before coming home he would say he had to stay late in work. He downloaded Snapchat and Instagram after an argument and changed his profile photo of us to him and his son within the hour. He would spend his money Willy nilly and then use my card to buy petrol and things and tell me I wasn’t contributing.
He smoked heavily even though I smoked but gave it up for pregnancy and would spend a fortune on cigs but tell me I was spending too much on cleaning stuff. (Petty right) he would have private conversations with family and if I was on the phone to any one he would ask who or what they said but almost as if I wasn’t entitled to know the other way around. And in the same breath say He didn’t care what I did on my phones He left me in the morning of Saturday and went out all day and night for the rugby, left me stranded in the house far away and wouldn’t take me home to my mums (I got my sister to take me in the end) he didn’t tell me where or ask if I was ok so I last straw left and went to my mums and that’s where I’ve been since. I’ve not really had much contact, but he asked to talk as I wanted to know where I stood with the baby. I feel like I have a complex now about control and how selfish he acts and not think about us as a couple. I am aware the stuff is soooo petty but pregnant and isolated with anxiety I felt the arguments more than normal. I would break down and cry and get so upset when he acted selfish or blamed me for everything.
He would see me get so upset and it wouldn’t faze him.

At this point, do women get p*ed at their partner for no communication and them acting like I’ll do what I want attitude. Is it controlling of me? I feel lost. I literally asked my doctor for counselling because I felt he didn’t care and I was confused. I wanted to know if this is gaslighting behaviour or am I the issue.

Advice needed.... Take it easy on me. Grin

OP posts:
DianaT1969 · 24/03/2021 14:27

Do you want to have this child with him?
All of this has happened and you are only 15 weeks. Are you on sick pay? Don't give up work and financially rely on this man.

YoniAndGuy · 24/03/2021 14:29

@Stevzzb

She actually has a harassment order against him they spilt up quite nastily but I was aware of stuff before I got with him. I just trusted that those issues weren’t going to affect ours. She cheated on him apparently and she was quite toxic and controlling. I think he has issues because of her. But I did say to him a few times it would be interesting to see what made her act like that? And that maybe there is two sides. But I have witnessed her behaviour from picking up his son with him she is very manipulative.

Deffo psychological issues going on and things I’ll never know about.

And now he's moved on to the next girlfriend, got her pregnant too and is now calling her controlling whenever she criticises him?

See a pattern developing - ?

Don't hang around until you also need to get a restraining order when he just 'loses it' with you next time you dare to question him.

He's a loser - an immature unpleasant man who probably won't change.

Stay with your mum.
Prepare for being a single parent.
DON'T get back with him - whatever he says will be utter bullshit
Name your baby what you want and give him/her your surname. No discussion - the FACT is that within two years it's unlikely you'll even have much contact with this man, so make sure your child that you will definitely be the one bringing up is named the way you want. He has no rights here and beware of him being Mr Perfect until he's manipulated you into putting his surname on that certificate - before fucking off again.
Don't put him on the birth cert at all. It gives him rights over you and the baby.

updownroundandround · 24/03/2021 14:38

@Stevzzb

I'm sorry you're going through a really tough time, but it's nothing you're doing that's causing the issues.

it's HIM, it's ALL HIM

He's treating you like shit, and then calling you controlling for having the backbone to call him out on it.

As others have already said, he's not interested in a proper relationship. He's only using you (and abusing you) for as long as it suits him.

You are not controlling and you are not nagging, you are asking for basic human decency, and he's the one trying to control you !

He just wants you to shut up and put up with his selfish and nasty behaviour ! He has zero love or concern for you at all ! That's very obvious to everyone reading your post.

What exactly were you supposed to be doing while he buggered off with his mates, leaving you stranded for 2 weeks ?? He doesn't give a toss what happens to you, just as long as he gets to do what he wants, when he wants and with who he wants !

Please listen to us when we tell you to

  1. Stay at your Mums.
  2. Change your PIN on your card.
  3. Make arrangements to collect your belongings.
  4. Do not believe the fake ''But I love you's'' and excuses he will trot out (all of which will be designed to play on your desire for a proper relationship/ marriage/ happy ever after's/ making a family etc because it's ALL lies !!)
  5. Decide whether you want to raise/have a baby on your own. (because you will be on your own, make no mistake ! He'll always revert back to the selfish, lying arrogant bastard that he truly is !)
Bridget83 · 24/03/2021 15:15

You both sound very immature for a start. This is a very toxic atmosphere to raise a child.
From experience, a guy who quickly label's you 'controlling' and every ex ever has also been 'controlling' is usually the problem.

PollyPocket245 · 24/03/2021 15:30

Oh mate. Pack your stuff and get back to your mums. Even the strongest couples struggle after having a baby... do yourself a favour and find happiness alone before your baby arrives because you won’t find it with him

Wanderlusto · 24/03/2021 15:34

Well you can stop feeling confused because - he doesn't care! You're right!

He is a selfish dick. And it isnt immaturity, its just who he is. And he wont grow out of it. Him being a shitty human being means you could never hope to understand him. All you need to know is that you might as well be an object (that is currently malfunctioning) in his mind. Your feelings and desires mean diddley squat to him because he is nothing but a taker.

Ditch his sorry ass and turn to family and friends for support with raising your little one.

murbblurb · 24/03/2021 15:36

You are the next 'baby mumma' - frankly you were just another hole between two legs. I'm so sorry you got taken in by this piece of work. Get out now for your safety.

If you are happy to raise a child alone , continue with the pregnancy. Make this decision quickly.

Stevzzb · 24/03/2021 15:40

Just wondering why maturity has come into it? Specially about me. I’m 30 I’m not a teenager. I planned the baby with the person I wanted a future with. These things happen. I realise that without going into too much detail about the relationship and going ons it is rather petty stuff. What I have disclosed on here is just some of the stuff that has been troubling me, my main objective wasn’t about the baby, as I plan to care for the child with or without the man to the best of my ability. It was to identify if these little issues are me asking too much or of the wrong person. And I’ve never been called controlling before so that was a new one for me. His past from his point of view and his family was that he was a good guy and he was taken the p*ss out of. I can only be wary about his situation with his ex baby mamma and make sure I don’t end up in that situation. I’m not too naive to think he may of contributed to some of those issues with her. I wanted a few mammas or mammas to be to advise me if it’s normal for them to act like this out of the blue. Or am I actually the issue.

OP posts:
Justcallmebebes · 24/03/2021 15:45

No, you are definitely not the issue. He sounds way too immature to be having all these children. If you don't drive please don't move to a rural location as when the baby comes you'll be even more isolated.

I'd stay at your mum's and look to go it alone. He's a loser

CuriousaboutSamphire · 24/03/2021 15:46

Oh dear! You can see the pattern now, can't you.

It really isn't you, it really is him.

Go home to your mum. Sort out the tenancy etc from there. Just go home!

seensome · 24/03/2021 15:46

It's him not you, he doesn't want to play happy families with you, he enjoys procreation but not the responsibility that comes with it, he's all out for himself.

Stevzzb · 24/03/2021 15:48

Appreciated. I feel emotional and over whelmed. This was my last resort really, I don’t really have any one close to talk to, and if they did they wouldn’t be impartial.

I’m 30 and when we planned the baby it is what we both wanted and i wasn’t expecting it to happen as quick as it did. If that makes sense. I don’t regret it, I did in some moments of sadness think of not keeping the baby but now I’m starting show and I think the baby is my little gift. I never wanted to do it alone. Out of the question. I want to work at things and make things right but you can’t fight fire with fire as they say. It would be nice for him to see what he’s doing and if majority vote thought I was an issue then I was willing to work on myself and my actions. I feel I am too blame some parts. I’m Emotional, scared and snappy. But I don’t deserve to be second to a computer console or have to fight for his time.
They say you make time for what you want, I’m not naive. I just have complex about his control thing and it’s bugging me. I can’t stop thinking about. I’ve messaged him to say what I want and expect I’m not prepared to wait around for a person who don’t see my value but I wont throw the towel In when there’s things that can be addressed and fixed only he can do that. I can’t force that. It’s a hard one

OP posts:
RachelRoth · 24/03/2021 15:50

You’re not the issue.

PollyPocket245 · 24/03/2021 15:52

So, yes, what everyone else says, no it’s not you. But they don’t sound like little issues? Well, not to me anyway. When I was pregnant, if my partner turned around and started booking holidays or buying a new car I wouldn’t be held responsible for my actions... and I certainly wouldn’t be with him now. I’d be asking if he still has the money to buy baby things and time to go pram shopping when the shops re-open

RachelRoth · 24/03/2021 15:57

Not sure why it is a hard one though. He has no respect for you and doesn't seem to even like you. He treats you badly and his ex has a harassment order against him, so he has form.

You have no choice here. It isnt stay or go. You need to go.

Goleor · 24/03/2021 15:59

This guy sounds like a loser. Get your stuff and stay with your mother if you can. No decent man should treat his partner like that. Pregnant or not.

PurpleMustang · 24/03/2021 16:02

If you have only heard his version of the split and his views of the relationship then yep does sound like her version would be completely different. And most women when they do start acting a certain way do so in reaction to how he has been with her. And now its your turn. He is doing as he pleases. Then setting you up to a controlling nag, you react and so when he continues to do as he wants he feels justified. And so it will go on until he decides to be a proper grown up and stop acting like a teenager

themoneypolice · 24/03/2021 19:51

@Viviennemary

You should have waited before you embarked on conceiving a child with this man. Your relationship simply wasn't stable enough. It's sad he hasn't stepped up to the mark and accepted his responsibilities instead of dodging. And from what you say he has already got a baby with one ex.
How is this helpful! 🤷🏻‍♀️some mean people on MN
5128gap · 24/03/2021 20:45

OP, ignore people saying you are foolish. There are so many men like this about they are hard to avoid, and we can lose sight of what's acceptable and doubt ourselves.
Especially now they've learned a new word to manipulate us with 'controlling'. Which they will use whenever you object to them shirking responsibility in order to do as they please.
You have the support of your mum and sister, and will do a better job bringing up your child without the distraction of this man.
The arguments will prevent you focusing on your baby and enjoying being a mum; and being tied to him will take away your opportunity to meet someone better.

GettingItOutThere · 24/03/2021 20:46

you are not the issue, but expect to be a single mum right now.

plan, move back in with your mum and expect nothing from this loser. Also give baby your surname.

no, it is not normal for them to do this, he is showing you his true colours...listen....

Littlepaws18 · 24/03/2021 20:59

If his partner got a non molestation order or a restraining order he must have done something terrible to get it.

I was told a similar story by my ex, and he eventually turned on me and I had to do the same!

Maybe you could get a Claire's law disclosure and find out more details.

You sound so strong! Thinking of you x

BehindMyEyes · 24/03/2021 21:29

You both want different things - you seem to want to have a baby and have him with you most of the time . He on the other hand wants to lead the life of a lad . The two don't mesh . Yes there is a pattern here and soon you will be the controlling ex. As for 'ex baby mamma" who really uses this phrase ?

LivBa · 25/03/2021 05:06

Congratulations OP on your pregnancy Flowers
Get whatever support you need e.g from mum/family. There are various charities supporting pregnant mothers too. PM me if you need pointers.

There's red flags around your boyfriend so make sure you reach out for support. We all make mistakes so don't beat yourself up. The Freedom programme may also be a good thing for you to do (can be done virtually).

CandyLeBonBon · 25/03/2021 05:27

This reply has been deleted

Message deleted by MNHQ. Here's a link to our Talk Guidelines.

CandyLeBonBon · 25/03/2021 05:32

I'm sorry op, that sounded harsher than I intended. It's just so frustrating how many women end up wasting their lives in feckless men. I was one of them, hence the frustration but I'm sorry if that under unnecessarily unkind.

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