Abusive or Depreased

[Carelsee]

I am 7 months pregnant. We have 3 kids already.

My husband has a history of, what I would consider, being selfish and inconsiderate. Takes me for granted. He is slow to apologise for his behaviours, and will usually somehow blame me or minimise his actions. He often LATER apologises, but seems to show very little insight into how he's hurt me. Or he will have some excuse for his actions. This often means he's then frustrated that I "throw the apology back in his face".

He works away midweek, comes home weekends. Since January his behaviours have been strange. He works a physical job, but with covid his workload has reduced. He has been leaving for his other house earlier than usual. When he gets home he isn't interacting very much with our family. He is protective of his phone. He falls asleep Friday evening no sooner he's home. Would lie in til late afternoon very often if he could at the weekend.

This got worse to the point that when left to mind our children alone, he once wouldn't get up out of bed to see to our sick child, sent her off to find calpol for herself. After another couple incidents like that, I won't let him have the kids alone anymore.

He sends really cruel texts blaming me for our breakdown, when in reality i am only addressing valid concerns and refusing to accept his blame. He gets angry if I don't respond immediately. I am a nervous wreck.

I found weed in his pockets 2 weeks back, at 3pm while he was still in bed. I left the house and contacted him telling to leave.

It's coming to a head this week. He has told me he is depressed. I am a cold, selfish, uncaring person. I never noticed his depression being justification for these insults. (I had questioned this with him and when I was shut down, I asked my MIL to have my BIL check in with him after I found the weed, and so he was fully aware that I was concerned it might be a MH issue).

Meanwhile, I'm weeks away from giving birth. I'm not coping. I had a bleed this last weekend, and went into a bad panic attack. For which he offered no comfort. I've contacted my midwife to link me in with support and am awaiting that. He wants to talk this weekend. Claims he is working on his issues. And hopefully he will be better soon.

I don't know how to deal with this. I want to separate. At least while he sorts his own issues out. And likely permanently. I don't think I can forgive his treatment of me. At the same time, I want to support him.

Has anyone experienced something similar? Had a good outcome?

I'm a bit confused because it sounds like he has a long history of arsehole behavior, prior to claims that he's depressed. Telling a sick child to medicate and risk overdose is horrendous . Honestly just LTB your managing without him around most of the week already.

I would suggest you also try and make contact with Womens Aid and the Rights of Women organisations asap as both could help you no end.

You're his wife, not a therapist and with all due respect you cannot support anyone who actually does not want your help or support. He's basically blaming you for all his inherent ills; he does not want your help at all. He is depressed because he is angry, not because he is depressed. My guess too is that he does behave quite well to people in the outside world so it is for you and your kids in turn that his abuse of you is aimed at.

You can only help your own self and your children ultimately, not your H. At the very least you should push ahead with your plan to separate going forward. In the meantime keep him well away from you and your children. Concentrate your efforts on yourself and they rather than your husband.

What do you want to teach your children about relationships and what are they learning here?. They are hardly seeing their dad even when he deigns to come home. They see you as their mother act constantly preoccupied by him and his associated abusive behaviour. Its no legacy to show them which also makes me wonder what you learnt about relationships when you were growing up.

Being depressed doesn't necessarily mean someone is cruel,selfish or inconsiderate OP. Using drugs can however cause situational depression and the cure for this is to stop using the drugs.

I wonder if you'd agree that this is a DARVO situation; Defend,Attack, Reverse Victim and Offender?

@MuthaFunka61

Being depressed doesn't necessarily mean someone is cruel,selfish or inconsiderate OP. Using drugs can however cause situational depression and the cure for this is to stop using the drugs.

I wonder if you'd agree that this is a DARVO situation; Defend,Attack, Reverse Victim and Offender?

I agree, it sounds like DARVO. Which is a technique that can make you feel like you are losing your mind.

What's the situation with leaving? Would he go?

If he’s depressed he needs to ditch the weed and see his GP for proper treatment.
Sounds like neither of you can support each other at the moment OP. You look after you and get the support you need.

His arseholery and refusal to take responsibility for anything predates his claims of depression, so depressed or not he’s still an arsehole who doesn’t take responsibility for anything.

Smoking pot does cause MH problems, including depression, so there’s the cause of his depression right there, if indeed he does have depression.

You’re on your own in the week anyway, and he sounds like a useless lump when he comes home, so what would be the difference if he was no longer there? At least you wouldn’t have to resent his lazy useless ass.

And I’m sorry to say OP, you knew he was a useless lazy twat who won’t take responsibility, why did you allow yourself to get pregnant with a fourth child?

I feel for both of you because when you have three children and another on the way, it is the worst time for a partner to be depressed. But then life is like that sometimes. When it rains, it pours. No one chooses to be depressed.

Has he always been like this? Or is it something that is different from when say a few years ago? If he’s always been this way, then separation is definitely to be considered because depression will only worsen his behaviour if it was always bad it begun with. If it’s new, it could be caused by depression you do seem to be in a bit of denial about it.

Depression is a serious mental illness. The weed is probably him self medicating for depression rather than a cause of depression.

I agree with a pp, he needs to see a GP and try anti-depressants and be referred for therapy/psychological assessment.

Thanks to you all for your insight. I'm going to keep re reading ahead of this weekend.

He swears the weed use was "a once off" but also that it's no big deal. I'm dim but not that dim.

DARVO seems appropriate. I will look more at this.

He's always been prone to acting selfishly and quick to fly off the handle when challenged. But this is different since Christmas. But like has been pointed out, I'm not equipped to deal with any of this.

He can sleep at his family home for the 2 nights I suppose and have the kids during the day in our house. I would leave for the 2 nights myself, but I don't trust him right now to have them.

I think it's really important that you don't put up with this behaviour from him. You are pregnant and have so much on your plate already without having someone there to criticise you and emotionally neglect you.

You have every right to stand up for yourself.

The behaviour you described in your first couple of paragraphs is classic affair stuff.

Strongly suspect he's been banging someone else and she's now made it clear she's not interested in looking after his arse like you do, hence the poor lamb is now "depressed".

He sounds like an utter waste of space.

And nobody buys their own stash of weed for a "one off". If he's buying it and bringing it home, he's a regular toker. And yes if he's smoking daily it will be affecting his MH. (And I say that as an enthusiastic recreational stoner.)