Help me please or I will destroy this

[shameonus]

I don't know where else to turn.
I am in a relationship of six months and it is going very well. No games, no bullshit, equal effort and interest.
I have had therapy after my
Marriage breakdown . My ex had an affair and left. Marriage was dead in the water anyway. He had no respect for me or interest in our children or family life . I lost respect for him a few years ago.
Marriage is over two years now .
I met current man a year later.
We hit it off and unexpectedly , we fell for each other . I never expected that to happen but he has reindeer my faith in men , except Incant trust him.
I have absolutely no reason in the world not to trust him . None .
I have turned into a person I don't recognise .

I am constantly looking for everything fence of him cheating or lying . I've checked his social media to see if he is doing anything dodgy.
Even if he engages with females who are mostly family and friends , I am anxious .Ue does not like or comment on these posts . They are there because they are part of the same various groups .
I keep this from him . He had hundreds and f friends on social media from all over the world on all different interest groups . He doesn't engage with them but because some of them in some
Groups are very sexily dressed and their personal posts are sexy , I feel insecure .
On one occasion , I was upset as he was liking posts from old female friends . Totally illogical and irrational I am aware .
I've told him I am aware that I can be irrational about this but my world was turned upside down. I've asked him to be patient and considerate . He said he understands .
I am
A nervous wreck. Please advise me.
I am aware that I am damaged that I should probably finish with him but the good overrules the bad so I would really prefer not to .
I've become obsessive trying to catch him
Out . Please help me or advise me .

OP, as you recognise, it’s nothing to do with him. You are clearly not ready to be in a relationship. I’d suggest therapy to sort out your head before dating any more. If you don’t think you can do this in your current relationship, then I would end it civilly.

Thank you and I did expect that reply . I really don't
Want to end this . He has brought so much joy to my life .
Is there a way through this?
Even with more therapy , is it possible to enter a new relationship being fully healed and ready to go as they say , having been betrayed ? I've had lots of therapy but I see that I am damaged

You aren’t ready for a relationship then OP, it’s that simple. End it now and sort yourself out, before you end up hurting the pair of you and leaving yourself with regrets that will haunt you for the rest of your life.

@shameonus

Thank you and I did expect that reply . I really don't Want to end this . He has brought so much joy to my life . Is there a way through this? Even with more therapy , is it possible to enter a new relationship being fully healed and ready to go as they say , having been betrayed ? I've had lots of therapy but I see that I am damaged

Absolutely. I think we can all move away from the bad mental habits caused by past events, and deal with them, rather than passing on the damage to people we care about.

I think 'fully healed' is a myth we are all created by our past experiences, and that involves being battle-scarred but I can't help feeling that what you need to work on is your self-esteem. A woman who had better self-worth would come at the issue of recognising that her boyfriend is lucky to have her, and that while she cannot guarantee his fidelity, as no one can, she can't police his life.

One thing I would do in your shoes, as well as seeking therapy to work on your self-esteem and your ideas about relationships, is to step away entirely from social media. It's just fuelling your irrational anxieties which are wrecking your head and your relationships.

If you have all his passwords etc, ask him to change them, and you go cold turkey.

I do believe that we are both looking coy to have found each other .
My self worth is normally very good and my self esteem high .
I don't believe that he is better than me or anything to that effect . I'm trying t nframe it lime I am the prize. Thought it was good advice read on here . I just need to act on that .
He said it's scary the way I can be black and white in terms of cutting people off if they are toxic or unkind. It's a self protection thing I guess . Sound like a right charm don't I !
My ex was the last person I would have thought would have cheated . I got a terrible shock and it knocked me upside down

Lucky to have found ...

Well done for trying to keep your feelings in check and not pushing your doubts on him, you know he doesn’t deserve it. I’m sure he does understand why you feel like you do but it’s important you keep working really hard at trusting him. I wouldn’t pack in the relationship, I’d look for ways of working on my problem. Maybe say to him that you get nervous when around other attractive women and that you’re aware it’s your problem, but if he could reassure you a little bit more that would be amazing. I’m not saying it’s his problem but clearly he loves you and he wants you to be happy so why wouldn’t he want to reassure you? Just a touch of your hand or a little kiss every now and again would probably help you relax.

Good luck, he sounds lovely. 👌💗

OP I recognise this behaviour as I too am like this. My ex drove me to a state where I was checking his phone, looking at emails, doubting everything he said etc. Unfortunately I was correct to doubt him as I just kept finding more evidence of his alcohol, porn and drug addiction, and also of his infidelity. He became abusive and he gaslighted me to the point where I believed I was hallucinating or imagining it all, until I realised I wasn't, and threw him out. So I know the pain you would have been in.

Its nearly 3 years on now, and I know that those traits are still there in me, I wouldn't be able to fully trust someone else - even though I've had counselling - I've resigned myself to the fact that I am not ready to inflict myself on someone because that wouldn't be fair to them - and I may never be ready. :(

You’ve been through a terrible betrayal, it’s natural that you are worried about it happening again.

Also it may be that not being able to meet his female friends due to lockdown makes them seem like more of a threat.

Can you be totally honest with him and tell him how you feel? It may be that you decide that you’re not ready for a relationship or it may be that you work through it together, but give him a chance to help and reassure you.

As a therapist, endless therapy will not be your answer in afraid. Only time will heal you and meeting the right man at the right time. If he genuinely does nothing to make you feel insecure/have trust issues and you still have them then possibly it is too soon? If he is really genuine then your going to need to try really hard and just take a leap of faith and let go of some of the lack of trust and control and just enjoy the moment as all the checking in him will in the end push him away, good luck op xx

Honesty I'd talk to him about it before you leave him. Lay it all out on the table warts and all and see if he would prefer to break up so you can get a handle on it or take some time apart or whatever.

Communication is key. And yes, get off SM.

Well if you don't want to end it, you need to do the work on yourself.

Get therapy, sit with your feelings and work through them. Cbt might be useful for your "hot button" thoughts.

Ensure you do not inflict your irrational responses on your boyfriend. Stop checking his social media and policing him. It's a false sense of control anyway.

When you're with someone, you take the chance they'll fuck you over. You need to accept the risk, and you know, what's the worst that can happen? Say he also cheats, it'll hurt and be disappointing, but hey, it won't kill you. Life is about risk.

I been through a similar thing as you are now, all I can say is it takes time, he has to patient and you will get better over time, try to remember your not with your husband your with a better person and it slowly fades, it's a Trauma, and it's horrible to go through, big hugs, I'm not saying it will go away for good but u will slowly put it to the back of your mind good luck I'm currently 4 years in my relationship and I trust him 100%

You are all so generous and kind with your replies .
I feel like a control freak but he did understand that I needed consideration and sensitivity about my trust issues .
He has acted on that since so logically I know that he has taken what I've said on board .
There are no games . We are bubbled as single adult households and spend that free time outside of work and family commitments together .
To sum him up, he does exactly as he says he is going to do . So far, he is absolutely lovely and seems genuine and speaks of the near future . But yet.... I look for cracks and holes in his stories .
Any book 📚 r podcast recommendations That may help??

“When you're with someone, you take the chance they'll fuck you over. You need to accept the risk, and you know, what's the worst that can happen? Say he also cheats, it'll hurt and be disappointing, but hey, it won't kill you. Life is about risk.”

This with bells on. This guy sounds great but what you’re really after, deep down, is a guarantee that you won’t get hurt again and no-one can provide that. However, if he’s a reliable guy, you’re much more likely to destroy the relationship through your insecurity if you go on this way. Don’t self-sabotage.

It's not OK to make it about him changing his behaviour and reassuring you, though. It's your shit to deal with.

Its easy to think you missed the signs of an affair so become hyper vigilant, but a relationship needs to be built on trust so why wouldn't you trust your partner, its their failing not yours.

It is really anxiety so would seek some professional help and perhaps some CBT techniques could be useful to train you pause and challenge the thoughts, how likely is it that a person he barely knows on FB (even if has sexy pics) likes a comment would it lead to anything? Would it with you or a friend?

He can't build up any level of trust to help if your automatically assuming worst and he's him not your ex.

@category12

It's not OK to make it about him changing his behaviour and reassuring you, though. It's your shit to deal with.

I totally agree. If you rely on someone else to keep you feeling safe, it's inevitable that at some point they will "let you down". Safety and trust are an inside job.

What does one expect from a six-month friendship of any kind?
Are you perhaps being rather unrealistic?

   I certainly would NOT expect,or tolerate,  the new friend  spying  on my phone , reading my letters,  looking through my private  correspondence  in any shape or form.  

You are the person who is breaching  his trust.  You're using your past problems  as justification for  this  completely unacceptable behaviour. 

If you want the relationship to continue, and flourish, then you are the person whose mindset and behaviour has to change. Nobody here can help you do that. It's down to you.

Don't let the past ruin the present and the future .

As bad as I sound, I never touched his phone or his private correspondence . I checked his social media .
He is not private with his phone or in any way secretive . It's me

Ban yourself from looking at any social media. Close down your accounts.
Whether this relationship works, or doesn't, you'll forever fuel your compulsion to check up and the next man if you stay on SM.
Start accepting that he/future man could cheat. But you will get over it. You will survive. Disappointed with a bruised ego. Worst things happen and you need to face that.
Self-help books on living in the moment, mindfulness, being complete as a single person.
Don't delay. Embrace the change - particularly a new freedom from SM.

I really wanted to echo what others have said, it could be possible you’ll never feel fully ready to trust someone, but you owe it to yourself to work on it. What I would say to you about people being unfaithful is this, whenever we enter into a relationship with someone, there is always an element of risk when it comes to cheating. It doesn’t matter who you date, how in love you are, how many years you’ve been together, if you have kids, if you’re the perfect wife/gf, that they’re the nicest person ever - none of it. The risk will always exist because we’re humans, all of us in relationships and marriages live that risk everyday and it could be any of us, we just have to hope that our partners don’t do it, or that we don’t do it ourselves.

What will not help is you constantly checking up on him, if someone is going to cheat, they are going to cheat, you could do all the stalking in the world, but it still wouldn’t stop someone who wanted to be unfaithful to you. You’d find out in the end one way or another these things have a way of coming out as you well know from experience.

You really do have to learn to accept that fact, otherwise you’ll never ever be happy and content. I still get insecure sometimes, I get the urge to have a little nosey on my bfs social media’s, very occasionally my nosiness will get the better of me but for the most part I acknowledge what I’ve told you and get on with my day.

I was in your shoes 5 years ago. 6 years ago I was left suddenly and unexpectedly for OW. The blow to my psyche was unbelievable. I was broken and sought therapy to try and piece myself back together. I started a relationship, like you, a year later. I was so fearful that I would be left again my anxiety was rife, I couldn't think straight thinking he would leave me like the other one did. I couldn't cope with these feelings and the relationship dissolved. The trauma of being left was only healed with time, quite a bit of time too. It took several years and I knew I couldn't be in another relationship until I had taken time out. This may be what you need to do. Time and healing alone.

I was also betrayed in my marriage and I've definitely bought my lack of trust of, well anyone, into my new relationship. Worse still ours has been a lockdown thing-we're a year together but for most of that have been in our own blissful little bubble. I'm actually dreading getting out of it as I'm not sure how I'll handle DP being out and about and not with me so much.
It's going to take some serious talking to myself for sure.
I've had a lot of therapy. But I'm not sure how it's going to help me in the moment really. I recognise I have an issue and I know why I have. But it's not going to stop me fretting.
I'm trying to take the stance that if he cheats then he cheats and if so he's not then worth it anyway....
It's so hard. I wish you luck OP. Be rubbish to ruin a relationship that's otherwise great over worrying about something that might not happen.

I am in the same situation ... a blissful little bubble and often wonder what will happen when we get back to new normal
Doing our own thing .
I guess we are building the foundations now and if he is going to cheat he'll cheat . My paranoia tells me that I'm mrs alright for now and I'm constantly reading into innocent things he says like ... I love your company ... and then I think ... is it my company or anyone's company? It's ridiculous . I know it's irrational .
One day at a time I guess .
Keep telling ourselves , we must trust if we want to love again but if we get hurt , we'll dust ourselves off and move on .
Right now is bliss so maybe we need to just enjoy that and see ourselves as the prize .
Easier said than done I know . Good luck to you too