How do others cope with their partners enduring mental illness in lockdown?

[ISeeYouNameStealer]

I NC for this - I’m a regular poster/part-time lurker. I have nowhere to turn to just get this out. I’m just venting. Please be kind.

My partner is bipolar. I’m grateful that he doesn’t swing wildly between highs and lows but it’s a life of constant anxiety/agitation or depression and so myself and our kids are always on edge wondering where he’s at today. He has been treated multiple times in the past but as soon as he sees a glimmer of recovery(or balance) he quits seeing the specialists and then starts cutting down his medicine. It’s so bloody draining for us all and I’m always trying to protect my kids from the worst of it. I see so many posters whose parent have mental illness and how it’s caused them harm growing up. I couldn’t bear it if my kids felt like that.

Outside of lockdown/covid I’d been able to escape to work for a few hours each day but I no longer have a job after my company folded and coupled with shielding, I’m constantly at home. It’s always there. That escape to work made coping with it all much easier because I got a break from the constant depression or anxiety, now I don’t. He does manage to hold down a very responsible job but I worry it contributes to the pressure.

I’m not going to leave him over this, I do love him, albeit at the moment I’m somewhat numb for self protection but I just don’t know how much more I can take. It’s been two decades of up and down where he won’t stick to his care regime. He needs life long treatment for a condition that will never go away but he just stops on a whim.

I’m not depressed myself, I’m just tired at how difficult it always is. He’s a fantastic dad and a caring partner and I know he can’t help this - I just wish he’d do what is required to keep him balanced.

how do others coping with their partner’s enduring mental ill health in lockdown?

He can’t be a fantastic dad if he’s not managing his mental health and taking the medication consistently. This must be hard to live with for you but also for your children who don’t have a choice about it

I agree in essence with the above comment although it was delivering a little bluntly. My husband has severe depression and I can relate to what you're saying, although of course it's not nearly as challenging. But it took me a long time to convince him to try medication. he was willing and believes in it. I don't know much about bipolar apart from Homeland which I doubt is helpful. I really hope you can get some support

The problem is, it's not just about you and him, it's this: and our kids are always on edge wondering where he’s at today.

I think he's being very selfish by not sticking with his treatment for their sake. It's understandable that no one wants to be looking at a lifetime of medication etc, but he needs to accept this is a condition he needs to actively manage even if he thinks he's doing better.

I don't know how you can make it clear to him, other then being prepared to end the relationship.

What support are your children getting?

No matter how good a job you think you're doing at shielding your children, please know that this will absolutely be affecting them now and will affect them in their future.

Unless he agrees to commit to his treatment programme, you are going to have to make a choice about who you are going to put first, then, him or yourself.

It's not easy and I don't envy you, but this is the position you are in.

I mean this kindly op. You're enabling him by staying with your dp. And you're putting putting him, and your own needs and wants over your children's well-being. They're already affected by your partner's condition and choices. And yes it's a choice, because he's choosing not to get better.

Your children are depending on you to protect them. They have no say.

Why is this so common in men. They always seem to get away with not taking responsibility in a way women don't. If the roles were reversed OP I very much doubt he would be so accommodating of you refusing to take medication/ manage your mental health and with all of the burden that would be put on him! He's on medication for a reason. Report to his mental health team that he's refusing to take his medication.

Tell him plainly if he refuses to take responsibility then you're leaving. It's so unfair your innocent kids are being put through this. It's very likely they'll blame you when they're older for not prioritisng their safety and wellbeing when you're the other adult in the house.